Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

11YO DD has told us she's pansexual

288 replies

GarnishWithALemonTwist · 14/06/2019 06:52

Not massively concerned about it, whether she is or she isn't, but just wondering if there's a book I can give her about being yourself, growing up, feelings and emotions, etc. She's be 12 in 3 weeks time.

OP posts:
SarahTancredi · 14/06/2019 10:48

That's why its important to stop her pigeon holing herself

I think the problem is more that she hasnt pigeon holed herself.

Pan basically includes anyone and everyone. We have to ask ourselves who that would benefit and why. Why would it be a thing to tell kids that preferences were merely genital fetishes and exclusionary. And why people and probably predominantly girls should include everyone.

SarahTancredi · 14/06/2019 10:49

Siblings, friends, school, parents, internet. Could be any or all of those things

Yes, so it's likely internet based and names of people to follow possibly exchanged. So best keep off internet

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 14/06/2019 10:50

If she's pan, she's pan

She's 11 for fuck sake! My 11 year old loves bouncing on her trampoline and playing outside with her friends.

Do kids not get a childhood these days? So sad.

Hedgehogblues · 14/06/2019 10:54

I knew I liked girls and boys when I was eleven. What's with everyone thinking eleven years olds don't have or know their own attractions?

DishingOutDone · 14/06/2019 10:55

Is Gransnet having a coach outing over here today? We'll be serving cream teas in the conservatory next.

FFS - she got it from Tumblr?! OP's DD could have heard this in any playground in the land. What does it matter? Just say that's ok, whatever you want we will support you, do you want to talk about relationships because if you do I will always try to help and explain if I can.

So a slightly more supportive "that's nice dear".

Now, does anyone need the loo?

IfNot · 14/06/2019 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheAngryLlama · 14/06/2019 10:57

Well no, it’s not ok to say whatever you want I will support you. If what an 11 year old wants is harmful, exploitative or damaging to them, I won’t support you. I will try and protect you. It’s called parenting.
And no, it’s not current in every playground. There are children who living their lives free of the crap and I’m very glad mine are among them.

Pollaidh · 14/06/2019 10:59

There are some misconceptions here. Pan means being attracted to anyone, not everyone! Just as bisexual doesn't mean you fancy all men and women. A straight woman is saying they fancy men, but it doesn't mean they fancy all men - there's a huge difference between Tom Hardy and Arnold the eighty year old weirdo next door with BO.

By pan people fancying anyone - it simply means male, female, non-binary people, fluid people, trans people... I guess think of it as bi but not ruling out someone because they're trans etc (though some pan people may also be specifically attracted to trans, enby people etc).

These things are fluid, especially in girls/women. She's also very young and starting to explore feelings and attraction. All you need to do at this point is reassure her that you love her whatever and she's always welcome to come and talk things over with you.

Depending on the school, area etc, things are really different in many schools now, with children being very aware of and welcoming of non-binary, fluid, trans, bi, gay classmates. My DC don't bat an eyelid that there are some trans kids in their primary schools. My hairdresser's kids are at a secondary school in a traditionally less 'naice/liberal' part of city and she says attitudes to LGBT+ kids are very similar - open and accepting.

Labelling makes some people uncomfortable, and others comfortable that they've finally found something that makes sense to them, and makes them feel less 'other'.

Hotterthanahotthing · 14/06/2019 10:59

My daughter told me she was bi when she was 13,she changed that to pan at 14.
Her reason is that if her soul mate appeared she would be stupid to reject that person because of some label.
This is secondary school and it has stopped any questioning of whether she is gay etc.and a lot of her peers are doing the same.
Tumbler was banned here as soon as she had a phone but I expect it's all out there on the internet.She has a friend who is trans but is secure herself in being a young female who can just be who she wants.

IfNot · 14/06/2019 10:59

It's so not a thing in my kids school btw (secondary)seems to be more of a That London thing?

DuMondeB · 14/06/2019 11:00

ifNot
I like the sound of your nan.

We should all be more no-nonsense-nannas.

Fuck the cream tea ageism. Crone is much cooler than maiden.

TheAngryLlama · 14/06/2019 11:01

There is no difference between pan and bisexual then. Nothing new, other than a bunch of manipulative narcissists trying to make everyone look at them and draw in kids via social media.
It’s BS and no one needs it.

Firstimpressionsofearth · 14/06/2019 11:01

@RuffleCrow

FirstImpressions all the people you've just mentioned are either male or female. You do realise that don't you?

Biologically yes. But I'm hetro, I wouldn't be attracted to a trans man.

Fairenuff · 14/06/2019 11:01

The 70s and 80s were brilliant for breaking down the gender stereotypes.

Kids could be kids and teenagers could express themselves in many varied and different way. Platform boots, long hair and glitter for men if they wanted.

Now children are put into boxes from a very early age. They are exposed to adult sexuality and told how to look, act, dress, perform.

Look at the identikit women with their lips stuffed with filler, their contoured faces, fake nails, tans and hair extensions. Look at their identical poses, bum out, knee raised, bending over with tits in the camera.

It's no wonder girls in their thousands are trying to move away from that and just be themselves. But they are not allowed. They have to identify, label and conform.

It's like a conveyor belt - identity? sexuality? stamp. Next...

I feel very sorry for kids at the moment. Their voice is completely lost. No one is representing them.

DishingOutDone · 14/06/2019 11:02

AngryLlama the OP's DD didn't ask to have some facial piercings and a nice bit of crack, she just wanted to express something to her mum, a feeling that maybe isn't real now but might be later on, who knows. Are you seriously suggesting that if she really was pan or bi or gay or only fancied tall people that the OP would need to protect her from these horrors?!

IfNot · 14/06/2019 11:08

Thanks DuMonde she was awesome. She had a tough start in life but got herself a career, couldn't cook for shit, married really late and had three kids, probably just because they told her she couldn't.

Grin Born in 1909 but a cooler broad than some of the simpering, safe space non men noobs around nowadays!

TheAngryLlama · 14/06/2019 11:11

“Pan” is not real. Gender is not real. It is a confected load of crap being pushed down kids throats by people with an agenda.
Sex is real and we have perfectly clear language to describe someone who is attracted to both sexes. Kids don’t need this gender crap foisted on them. Especially kids like mine, with ASD, very concrete literal thinkers.
My kids are away from it and they’ll stay that way while it’s within my power to ensure that. I know it won’t be for long, but the longer you have to develop your bullshit detectors, the better off you are.

DuMondeB · 14/06/2019 11:11

ifNot my Nan once chased a Tory MP out of her (council house) front yard, brandishing a broom.

I miss her.

PantsyMcPantsface · 14/06/2019 11:14

I'm veering distinctly towards "Team Nan" on this one.

The message I aim to give my daughters though is not the "it's OK to fancy whoever you fancy" one - but the "it's also OK to NOT fancy whoever you don't fancy" one which seems to be becoming dangerously lost to girls these days.

Also a very large side order of "these gendered boxes society's gone barmy over are utterly fucking bollocks - just be you"

SherlockHolmesPipe · 14/06/2019 11:21

Oh what cunty bollocks. Stop the 🌎 as I wish to get off.😵

stuffedpeppers · 14/06/2019 11:21

mine has been in the past two months
gay : response - if that is what makes you happy, great!
trans : response - if that is what makes you happy great!

Mum - do you care what i am ?
Me: No as long as you are happy?
Mum -you'll be pleased to know, I like my willy and I absolutely love boobs. I think I am straight
Me - if that is what makes you happy great!

Raging hormones in a pre teen who has not got a clue what any of it really means but is testing his environment.

I await the pansexual response with interest.

crosspelican · 14/06/2019 11:24

I wouldn't worry about it. It seems to be just a trend, and better politely accepted without comment, than railed against.

However, this shows you just how tightly you need to be monitoring her internet activity. Be aware of what she is reading, watching and consuming. Check her internet history, know what she is subscribing to on youtube etc. If you aren't tech savvy enough to do this, then GET tech savvy enough. There's no excuse.

nickymanchester · 14/06/2019 11:25

HennyPennyHorror Fri 14-Jun-19 08:17:18

One of DD"s mates boyfriend's propositioned my DD and said "I'm polyamorous"

RIght! So are most 16 year old boys love!

I know that this comment was a bit off-topic but it did make me smile.

DuMondeB · 14/06/2019 11:25

#NannaPride

Nearlyalmost50 · 14/06/2019 11:27

*I'm kind of shocked that people are questioning where she got this idea from and assuming she must be on Tumblr. Kids talk. Lots

And where did the one talking about it first get it from?

Did it all just pop into tenor heads or has someone along the line tuned into the likes of riley Dennis who tells peope that genital preferences are transphobic or one of the many other peope on Twitter tumblr who encourage kids to DM them and remind them that peope are who they say they are or you are a bigot*

Mainstream artists like Miley Cyrus who had the most watched pop video ever a few years back came out as 'pansexual' and 'gender-fluid'. I don't think you have to look in the more obscure areas or follow specific trans-activists of the internet to find out about this stuff!