Have moved from London and am crushed: how did you get over it?

[LadyFatboobs]

Hello there

Am having a vast pity party but today is week 6 in our new city and I’ve never missed London more.

We had to move back to my home city as fundamentally we didn’t want to move away from London to a small town in the Home Counties and could afford much more space and a garden up here for myself, DH and the 3 children.

I’m just absolutely desperately thinking WTF HAVE I DONE and now putting loads of lottery tickets on just to be able to afford to run back to London and buy a three bed as I don’t know that many folk here and I forgot how absolutely fucking mega depressing it can be (especially when it rains).

Have any of you felt such intense massive regret about moving and how did you manage to get over it?

I even miss the Turkish supermarket. Jesus.?

Yes, now you see this is why I wouldn't want to move out of London. I love the diversity. Also I do not drive so rely on public transport. Of course some people can't wait to leave London!

We have a Turkish supermarket close to us in the midlands. And a Polish supermarket, and a Chinese supermarket. We’re not a barren cultural wasteland.

London living might be fine but trying to get out of the SE on say bank holidays is horrible. In fact going anywhere is difficult by car in the SE.
Aberdeen has spectacular mountains and even some skiing in the winter on its doorstep.
And it isn't wet so much as cold winds which are the problem.
But the Thames valley is a sort of basin where I'm sure the air quality with Hrow and trains, tubes, cars is terrible.
That's not so good for children.

I grew up in London (Hackney girl, born and bred) and I've left now and don't regret it.

It's nothing like the city I grew up in. Gentrification has changed it beyond all recognition and the divide between rich and poor is getting worse and worse.

Also no way am I bringing a child up in a city with such a major pollution problem.

I live near Kingston. It's an average suburban town certainly not the beating heart of the metropolis. It can only tenously lay claim to being in London because it has red buses and is a London Borough. Other than that, it lacks any of the facilities of London and is pretty much what you'd see in any other half decent town. I think you need to give it longer and then maybe look for a town with similar facilities.

Where’s the Turkish Supermarket @SoyDora? Is it in Leicester?

Sympathy op. Neither of us from London but met there and stayed 7 years. Knew we weren’t going to stay though. Dh desperate to move out. What helped us was lots of friends were moving out too and we had hideous drug dealing gangsta rap playing neighbors so getting to our new small beautiful city where our neighbors retired doctors a relief.

6 weeks in tough though remember crying in the park. Went speed dating at playgroups and met some brilliant women nursing hang over from our catch up last night - my playgroup attending dd now nearly 13 so the friendships stuck

I am living in a town with similar facilities though; and Kingston is not some boring dross-hole, if that was the case I’d have been as happy as a spring lamb in Tolworth or Chessington.

I am going to just quit whingeing now as I’m in a foul mood this morning, all I’ll say is that it’s so painful knowing that you’ve done the right thing long term for your children and family but lanced your own happiness in the process. I have to make the best I can of the situation and it’s not going to happen overnight but I’m impatient, lonely and physically compromised for the next few weeks.

I hope things will get better as the months progress. Right now all I can think of is that when I’m “better” it’ll be verging on winter and definitely depressing as fuck.

People really don't know Kingston if they think it's a boring, average suburban town. It has a fantastic market with street food and frost fairs to equal the South Bank; a great theatre, wonderful riverside cafe life and water sport. There are loads of secret small venue gigs by leading bands put on for free or almost free by the indie music shop Banquet Records (Vaccines, Mark Ronson etc.) There's all the usual shops but quirky ones too and a massive oriental supermarket. Hampton Court is on the doorstep with the bigger name music and the flower show. Acres of parks to run and cycle in surrounded by deer.

But OP, Aberdeen has its charm. Have you walked by the coast, along the docks with the vast reels of chains and shipping equipment - great photography opportunities. The beach is that lovely silky pink sand. There's the shabby glamour of the fairground by the beach, then the gorgeous granite buildings in the centre. Give it time. You'll find its quirks. Head for the beach, find a few lovely cafes, and some mother and baby groups. You'll settle in.

I know Kingston well. It has all those things, but it has them because it's not London. It's a town in itself. Other towns and Cities have those things. Including, apparently, Aberdeen. Op is not missing London because she didn't live there. She is missing the familiarity and her friends. She can make new friends and new places will become familiar. It's not a 'run back to somewhere near London that is not London' situation!

I agree, I live in London and wouldn’t be happy living in Kingston, Croydon, Woking etc as they are just big towns (though nearer London of course). I know lots of friends babies born in Kingston hospital and it is frustrating for them that their passports say they aren’t born in London, even though they live in London, as Kingston hospital close but isn’t in London. I agree that it’s probably a question of the familiar and also just being near all the action of the city. I had the opportunity to move away (had a thread last week) and it was the amazing-ness of life in London which was one of the big factors in not leaving. There’s no better place for kids than a posh London village IMO. And pollution is a nonsense - where we live in London has better quality air than parts of surrey according to those surveys they did last year.

t it’s probably a question of the familiar and also just being near all the action of the city

Thank you @coco123456789

You’ve nailed it; whether Kingston is actually London is semi-moot. You’ve captured my frustration perfectly xx

Ive never heard of people caring about the actual town/city of birth on a passport. Is that a thing?

.

It doesn't matter whether anyone else loved/ hates London/ Aberdeen or whether Kingston is London or not.

What matters is how you and your family feel. It's a shit feeling feeling unhappy but really really shit feeling your dc are.

Be honest with your dh and yourself. Give it 6 months and write down how you feel, how dc are and dh. Then do the same in a year.

Change of any type is difficult. Really difficult. It doesn't mean it won't work out for the best in the end. But doesn't mean it will.

Just that you're having very normal 'shit what have we done' feelings because you're in the hard stage of no local friends, no idea how stuff works and not knowing how this will play out. Also you've got a new born!

Give yourself a chance and time. At the very least it's a new experience.

There’s no better place for kids than a posh London village IMO.

Sure, assuming that you're perfectly OK with your kids only mixing with other white middle class kids.

That's what London is now. Abject poverty and deprivation interspersed with green naice pockets where white middle class people live in their victorian houses in easy reach of an outstanding state school with an artisan coffee shop and farmers market down the road.

It is not the London I grew up in. That's why I left.

My first proper boyfriend hid his passport when we went on holiday - reason given is that it said “Paisley” on it when he swore blind he was from Glasgow.

Some folk are odd @UrsulaPandress

Exactly right tortoiselassPeople talk about London being so diverse, but if you live in a posh London village, your friends are mostly white middle class, with the occasional middle class Asian or Black person. Otherwise the ethnic diversity is going to the Turkish supermarket/having a Latvian au pair and eating out at some Indian restaurants. Only people with the cushion of plenty of money can enjoy London.

I live in Sutton and like to pop into Kingston for shopping. I also worked in Aberdeen for a few months. I had a real hoot but yes, I could see my breath in July... I hear what you're saying about the demographic but it is still pretty different and very far away so I'm not surprised it's a shock to the system... How does your DH and children feel about it?

"Trains and Turkish supermarkets are things you find in any city in the UK"

Definitely not true about Turkish supermarkets. Maybe the bigger cities will have a small Turkish shop.

Hi OP, forgive me that I have not read the second half of the thread. If you did choose to move back, check out Ham. House prices are significantly lower than Kingston or Richmond (no station) and it is incredibly pretty and has a real rural feel with the river and Richmond Park close at hand.
Schools are really good in Kingston. The Tiffin Grammar Schools top the charts every year for exam results. Most of the comps are outstanding and Greycourt (Ham) is one of the best state schools in the country.
Good luck. I lived in Aberdeen for a while. It is beautiful in its own way but the weather will take some getting used to

Walworth Rd Turkish shop is by far the best. Their fresh flatbread thingys with chilli in them, and the huge tubs of hummus and proper pitta breads. Oh god, I need to go back to London.

Yes yes @Myusernameismud it really is the best. THE Turkish Shop.

That's what London is now. Abject poverty and deprivation interspersed with green naice pockets where white middle class people live in their victorian houses in easy reach of an outstanding state school with an artisan coffee shop and farmers market down the road.

I agree that the divide between rich and poor is massive. However there is an in between - my street is not “naice” or mono cultural. A few well off people, but a lot of us have been there for ages and earn very average amounts of money, or not much money at all (me ).

I think you need to give it time OP, and try to get as involved in things as possible. Then re-examine in a year’s time.

Give it a year, OP, and if you're still feeling the same, and the rest of the family are amenable, get yourselves to Woking.

I know Aberdeen, and all that granite that turns to black on a wet day, well it wouldn't cheer my soul either. And it has been such a dismal summer so far.