Advice Clinic - Slatterns welcome

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Do you have problems? Is your life truly ridiculous, are you ridiculous? Please step inside our fully staffed advice clinic and we will cure all your ills. We have a clap nurse standing by for more intimate problems, don't be shy.

Proj, tomorrow, are you going on the scooter in sequins?

Drone footage, Thigh.

I thought you meant he had given you a bread. I was going to correct your grammar but who the hell corrects another adult, uninvited, on an ichat forum?

I saw that as I hit post!

So I tried selling the twins to a bloke with a rollie called Gavin in a motorway services.

An hour later, they crawled back up the front drive. One of them was carrying a rollie. They demanded Ritz crackers and a bath. I was too scared to refuse. They've gone to bed now and I'm cowering downstairs like one of those people whose flats get used as a hide out for gangs.

Fairly sure Gav is in a ditch somewhere with dummies where his eyes should be.

No, it really was a bead. He made them. It felt like one of those significant ‘one life to another’ moments. And I fucking lost it. I bet it’s rolling around in the bottom of my car somewhere.

Yes. I am pink scooter and sequins from now on.

Oh dear, you've got the homing kind.

Jesus Johnny. Maybe we should send the twins and the DL out in the chinook for a bit, burn off some energy.

But what about your slanket? Think of the slanket!

Sequinned slanket? I can be naked underneath, to ensure scaring of neighbours.

Was it a spliff? Hand them a lighter.

Johnny never get a Hollywood wax, you've probably got quints.

There are other reasons not to get a Hollywood, tbf, like my piles might leap out and start talking to the waxer. Awkward.

Bit worried about exposing the Dark Lord to The Limbs of Satan. Who would corrupt whom??????

So here's a question - DH and I don't have curtains on our bedroom windows. I have grown to kind of like it. Our new curtains have been sitting in the corner for about 6 months. I am too short to put them up and DH is too lazy #dreamteam

Is it acceptable to live life curtainfree?

Johnny take a housekeeping tip from the Taliban. They painted windows black to prevent anyone accidentally viewing any females within.

I don't know which are more hassle, curtains or blinds.

I could not be arsed to put up curtains but then once you have blinds fitted they are a bastard to dust, but if you don't they just become evil bands of filth to annoy you. I think the trick is to ignore this and pretend they are looking lovely and the dust is just an additional embellishment.

DT precisely, also in the interests of an attractive home environment some artfully placed vomit, urine and pet hair enhances the ambient.

Since you are DT do you see things which aren't there? Do you have difficulty picking up the first breakfast glass of voddie in the morning?

Yes now you mention it, I was better in the looney bin/holiday camp when Thigh supplied me with crack and rum all day.

I was much less delusional then. I was living in the real world all of the time with my arse-mooning, loud-volume-singing friends who I never visited, but could hear quite clearly through the paper thin walls of the facility. We all had our heads screwed on in there!

thigh would be most interested in you!

My postman wakes me up every morning with stuff I have bought off the Internet. I thought retirement meant I would be able to stay in bed till lunchtime. What should I do?

DT I have developed an excellent relationship with the dust on the blinds in several rooms of my shithole of a house. If it helps, house dust looks amazing under a microscope....

M3lon you should bond with it further. It might feel unloved and uncherished if you pay it no attention.

Twirl your tongue in patterns of love over it. Croon to it. Put on your finery and candlelight.

You'll be closer in no time.

fleas one day the postman will discover your decaying corpse and alert the authorities. Just let him do his job!

M3 dust is slowly evolving to rule the earth after the cockroaches have died out. Your dust is just part of the bigger picture. Mind blowing, huh?

M3 that looks like a map! Is this a mysterious clue as to our next mad money making scheme?

Myimag I know! Postmen are bastards of the highest order, we had this a few threads ago.

So high maintenance, always knocking for attention at the door, give it
a rest mate honest to god! And then don't even get me started on Yodel delivery drivers. One of mine said 'Hello You!' to me once! UGH!!!!!

Don't fucking call me 'You' as if we are buddies or worse, just drop the parcel and then promptly disappear in a puff of smoke! I should be a delivery woman!!