Advice Clinic - Slatterns welcome

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Do you have problems? Is your life truly ridiculous, are you ridiculous? Please step inside our fully staffed advice clinic and we will cure all your ills. We have a clap nurse standing by for more intimate problems, don't be shy.

He doesn't usually get as far as the bedroom CarolineP although he has seen me in my nightie a few times! I suppose the smell would eventually waft thought the letterbox...

M3 I think that map is a treasure hunt! If we find the gold we can give up work forever!

hmm it does have a slight london underground type feel to it...interesting!

I need a new job...I'm shit at my current one...maybe I'll become a treasure hunter!

I've got the tits and long plaited hair to do a lara croft...though not in any sense the rest of the body.....

The not washing for weeks on end would fit, but I don't know if all that running around will work out for me.

I'd have to cut by a jogging slanket....

Like your style @DanglyTassles, that's the way it should be done. Also don't be complaining to me about the weather when I am standing on the doorstep letting all the heat out while you engage me in chit chat. And put some trousers on, is not summer yet. Fucks sake...

M3 could you treasure hunt on a mobility scooter? That could work and save your legs!

That's what I'm talking about My , it's bloody impossible to get them to see they should be seen and not heard, and at the same time not be seeing or hearing us either!! It's just plain anti-social behaviour! Be off with your cheery 'Hellos' and your "Good Mornin's' how bloody demanding!

That's it, I'm applying for a job with Yodel, I know what the people want! I will be the rudest courier in town and the people will love me for it! This must be my true calling!

It's a tricky one, having delivery drivers does save having to go anywhere and talk to actual people. I usually send Fuckboy to do the shopping but he needs a very carefully written list. Honestly, they should have got me to write the Brexit Withdrawal Agreement, I am good at being specific. If I don't dictate chapter and verse Fuckboy comes home empty handed, although funnily enough usually buys some biscuits "in case we have visitors"

Postmen/delivery drivers - it's very very tricky. Obviously I want stuff without the bother of leaving the house. However, the purpose of not leaving the house is to not interact with others.

I think they should just leave it on the doorstep and shout "delivery" through the letterbox and leave.

Is that so hard? I'd prefer that they forged my signature and left.

But what to do about TL's freakishly small letterbox? Since her retirement from shagging it's shrinking by the day. She's going to have to only order very ungirthy packages.

M3 what is "rubbish"? Who determines the line between mediocre and rubbish? Me, that's who. I don't even know what your job is and I've decided you are excellent at it.

thigh I thought you just yanked delivery men inside then released them dazed and confused afterwards once you'd had a thorough package rummage?

This is indeed concerting if TL's letterbox is diminishing. You're engineering this so you have it all to yourself, aren't you?

DONCHA BIATCH???

Anyway lemme think of a prob...I've realised I am torturing ex, should I let him off the leash or up the ante?

It's funny you should mention my freakishly small letterbox, as I'm currently waiting for DHL. On the one hand the man has initiative and if I'm out he phones me and finds somewhere sensible to hide the parcel amongst the gas meters. On the other hand he's alarmingly familiar when I do open the door, I'm always worried he's about to invite himself in.

M3 you can work a microscope and so far you haven't destroyed the world. Surely there aren't more requirements for a scientist?

Frown you need to let go of your ex. If needs be this can be whilst dangling him over a parapet.

My letterbox is off limits, but you are welcome to come and look at my foxhole. It's not visiting because it's outside. Don't be alarmed by the two large cats that follow you.

TL I may in fact have destroyed the world...it may just be that no one has noticed yet....

I did once chuck some sample vials in the wrong rubbish bin - so instead of being incinerated, somewhere there's a bunch of designer peptides leaching out into a dump where the seagulls are gaining mysterious superpowers....and the (possibly glowing) worms are out for revenge on humanity!

Or more likely they made a satisfying meal for some perfectly normal bacteria.

DT I'm loving the mobility scooter plan! I've got an excellent back pack for carrying snax and I've got my map. I'm all set!

Why are there no flakes of skin in that dust? It just looks like thread. Disappointing.

Are these the kind of peptides that give you a beautiful face? I quite want a new face. Would you design me a new face as your new job?

You don't need a new face Project you should be proud that you have Thigh's face tattooed on your face (and all of our faces tattooed on your face as well!). It's a good look, in fact it's the same as my face for some reason! Maybe it's the tattoos?

I just managed to read ‘peptides’ as ‘pesticides’ - too much Archers (R4, not peach schnapps) - and was very worried about Proj’s skincare.

Pesticides are probably best. I could do with a new face and I’m pretty sure they’d do the job.

I’m on holiday eating biscuits and drinking wine.

Reg what biscuits?

Where are you Reginald do you need the cat cock or are you high on your own supply?

DT Evil Lives Here 9pm ID

Ooh ta, that's on now then!

Oh dear, I'm in a fight on AIBU

I went a bit mad on the fat shaming thread.

What's the thread called?

Found it! Oooh they're a touchy bunch on there! They all just shouldn't go to the theatre, that'll solve it!

I saw the title of that in trending and swerved. Might go and read it now