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Original poster

Hand hold: DH missing after "accident"

976 replies

Stickywhitelovepiss · 07/06/2019 19:20

I know it's not been long, but this is really out of character and not sure what to do next.

Rang my DH on his mobile to let him know what time I'd get in and he didn't answer - often happens so then call him on work line. His work said he'd called in on way back in after lunch saying he'd been in a car accident but was fine, and neither hide nor hair heard since. That's all I know - no indication of the severity of the accident or where he or my car (which he drives) have got to.

I've been trying him on his mobile countless times, called 101 to see if they've got him somewhere, also A&E - but no joy.

He's been off grid for about 5 hours now, when he'd normally have picked me up, got the Tesco and we'd be sitting starting our weekend. But not even a text to let me know he's not dead in a ditch, and I don't have that phone tracker either on this latest handset.

Starting to panic slightly - if anyone is around for a hand hold or some pointers as to how I can track him down that's would be much appreciated....

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 13/12/2019 23:52

But - rationally or otherwise - the shame is the overwhelming emotion.

My lovely, wise and kind daddy, who only wants the best for me - how can I ever admit this...??? It will break his heart one million times more than it will mine. And that’s a bloody LOT.

OP posts:
Brenna24 · 13/12/2019 23:57

It would break his heart far more to think that you were shouldering this alone.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 14/12/2019 02:37

You’ll all be proud. I’ve told my first person IRL in a trusted friend and colleague post Christmas do. Need sleep now, but please keep talking to me - I’ve read and re-read all of your comments; they each mean more to me than you know.

OP posts:
Bodear · 14/12/2019 06:19

Morning OP. Well done for speaking to someone in r-l. How did that conversation go? How do you feel this morning?
Can you tell us a bit more about your husbands stance on things at the moment - is he trying to / talking about stopping drinking at all?
This thread is nearly full so would you like to start a new one and post a link so we can follow you there?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 14/12/2019 06:48

I cannot offer you practical experience. But I can tell you this... You are innocent in this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Look after yourself first, find someone to talk too, then work out how to help or step back from DH.

Hopefully court will be a wake up call for him. But he has to want to change.

ThePawtriarchy · 14/12/2019 07:03

Hi, I’ve followed but not commented. Just another person saying you’ve got this. I think your dad would want to know 💗

QOD · 14/12/2019 07:09

Oh op 💐

MsChatterbox · 14/12/2019 07:11

OP so sorry you have to deal with this. Have you told him if he doesn't go to AA and show obvious improvements that you will leave him? Of course you can just choose to leave and for a lot of situations that is the right choice. I'm just wondering if faced with this ultimatum will he try to get help.

RandomMess · 14/12/2019 09:46

Well he hasn't tried very hard so far Sad presumably you don't have alcohol in the house so he chose to go out and buy it Sad

With regards money he's going to spend a lot of his on alcohol and potentially end up losing his job if he stops being a functioning alcohol.

Your Dad will be far more heartbroken if you stay and have your self esteem destroyed further.

Thanks
fridgegrazer · 14/12/2019 09:53

Please tell your Dad. Yes he will be upset but will be more upset if he finds out further down the line and realises you were struggling with this alone. I felt like this with my parents 20 odd years ago (affair not drinking) and stayed with him another 8 years before he buggered off anyway. Both parents wished I had told them at the time, they would have helped emotionally and financially.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/12/2019 10:23

So in the last six months he's gone from you had no idea he had a problem, to drink driving and then to the state of passing out in the kitchen drunkenly cooking - aka you very much can't avoid knowing that he is a drunk.

Has the fact that he's been caught out allowed him to come out in the open with his addiction? Have you any idea of how long it has been going on?

I do think that unless he is able to admit to being an alcoholic and therefore seeking help, you would be best leaving him.

You dad will want nothing but to support you, he will not be disappointed in you or hurt. I'm so so sorry this has happened OP Flowers

MrsTumbletap · 14/12/2019 10:29

OP having supported my best friend through this please leave. She minimised and minimised his problem for years, he will get better, he will go to AA, he is getting hypnotised, he has been sober for three weeks now, it's not that bad, and it went on and on and on for years.

After every lie she would find bottles hidden in the shed, the bin, under the bed, in the loft.

He lost his job, stopped showering, became aggressive, and it didn't end well. It starts small and then gets bigger and bigger. They don't magically get better.

If he is hiding bottles of vodka in your garage and driving a car under the influence it is already bad, he is past the point where he can function in a relationship. He has nothing to give you, he needs help. You can't help him. Get out now and get your life back.

He has showed lying to you is not a problem, remember he swore blind that he hadn't been arrested. He was lying. He CAN lie to you and it doesn't bother you.

You thought you both didn't like day drinking, he does, he has been hiding that from you.

You are not in love with the real him, it's a much nicer him you love, it isn't real.

AShaveAndAHarecutHalfPrice · 14/12/2019 10:29

OP, I think your dad may be sad - for you - and disappointed in his SIL, but he will be very proud of you following whatever path you feel is the right one.

CanISpeakToYourManager · 14/12/2019 11:20

Well done speaking to your friend. If it will help, work out a few ways of starting the conversation with your dad, here with us.

'Dad, I have come to realise DH has a serious alcohol problem that he isn't facing up to. I don't know what to do.'

Or, 'Yeah, pretty sure he's an alcoholic actually. Feel pretty stuck at the moment.'

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 14/12/2019 13:07

@MyKingdomForBrie it wasn't quite that black and white - he did drink a lot of wine before and sometimes one too many, but still within the parameters of "normal" behaviour. Or "normal" in today's middle class wine o' clock culture at any rate.

This is where the shame lies - looking back over the weeks, months, even potentially years, there were signs, that maybe I chose not to see, or took for manifestations of mental health issues. But never to the extent of drinking vodka during the day or passing out drunk etc. - that has totally come out of left field, and utterly floored me.

It does feel like it's all escalated very suddenly, yes, and I wonder how much of that is cause he's been caught out once, and no longer feels the need to hide it as much.

He does admit to a problem and says he will go to AA, though unless I nag and nag he probably won't. He has cried, reminded me of all the good times we have and not to throw that away, and swore he will go dry as of today - he keeps saying "past is past and future is future". Only today I arrived home to find he'd fallen asleep with the grill on last night and stunk out the house, and broke a red wine glass which has now gone halfway up the kitchen paintwork. So hardly past history!

How do I feel after talking to someone? Woke in the morning with massive beer fear as having divulged it (was our work Christmas do) to a real life person, but it was good to articulate it and not be judged for it. She also said I wasn't a fool, and hadn't done anything wrong - I wish I could believe that.

Will start a new thread shortly as well.

OP posts:
NorthernLightss · 14/12/2019 13:09

Your dad may realise more than you know. I expect he'll be sad for you, but glad that you told him.

As to your husband, your dilemma shows that you love him. Unfortunately being arrested wasn't enough for him to decide to change, and it may be that actually leaving him isn't enough either. However staying with him might be tacitly condoning his behaviour (in his mind, anyway.)

Perhaps it's time to stop thinking about him, and try to purely think about yourself.

NorthernLightss · 14/12/2019 13:12

I cross-posted. The idea that he's cooking while drunk is terrifying. He could kill both of you. Words and tears really aren't enough, are they?

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 14/12/2019 13:17

Exactly, yes. I don't want my flat burned down.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 14/12/2019 13:24

Good times past or good times present?

The way I understand it shame effectively evolved as an emotional warning sign that something we were doing/about to do left us at risk of being socially outcast and therefore was risking our ability to survive.

In your situation, is feeling shame helping you or hindering you? As an outsider it looks like it's stopping you seeking support you need and stopping you making decisions for your best interests. I'd encourage you to try and counterbalance it with compassion.

Your dad sounds like a good man who would be sad you're going through this and that he wasn't able to help.

ohwheniknow · 14/12/2019 13:26

Your dad's heart would be breaking for you not because of you. It's a key difference.

ineedto · 14/12/2019 13:36

Your dad loves you and would only be upset for you. Trust in his love, it's unconditional and just what you need.

You can't keep this man in your home. A fire could kill not only you both but your neighbors too.

MLMsuperfan · 14/12/2019 13:37

I think his behaviour will get more dangerous.

fastliving · 14/12/2019 14:07

Sounds worrying op since you've discovered the truth his drinking seems to have escalated- or at least he's not bothering to hide it.
It feels like you staying and not confronting him (which I completely understand) has given him permission to ramp up the drinking?

Span1elsRock · 14/12/2019 14:20

I think your dad will surprise you, OP.

Don't be afraid to tell him Flowers

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 14/12/2019 14:42

Link to new thread, once this one's filled up:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3768595-Thread-2-Husbands-now-not-so-secret-drinking-problem?watched=1

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread