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Original poster

Hand hold: DH missing after "accident"

976 replies

Stickywhitelovepiss · 07/06/2019 19:20

I know it's not been long, but this is really out of character and not sure what to do next.

Rang my DH on his mobile to let him know what time I'd get in and he didn't answer - often happens so then call him on work line. His work said he'd called in on way back in after lunch saying he'd been in a car accident but was fine, and neither hide nor hair heard since. That's all I know - no indication of the severity of the accident or where he or my car (which he drives) have got to.

I've been trying him on his mobile countless times, called 101 to see if they've got him somewhere, also A&E - but no joy.

He's been off grid for about 5 hours now, when he'd normally have picked me up, got the Tesco and we'd be sitting starting our weekend. But not even a text to let me know he's not dead in a ditch, and I don't have that phone tracker either on this latest handset.

Starting to panic slightly - if anyone is around for a hand hold or some pointers as to how I can track him down that's would be much appreciated....

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 11/12/2019 19:05

Do you feel you get get in touch with al anon.

Windygate · 11/12/2019 19:21

You were very brave to come back with an update. None of this mess is your fault.

Bananasandchocolatecustard · 11/12/2019 19:22

Al- Anon is somewhere you can talk to people who have experienced what you are going through and all the conflicting feelings.

MrsAgassi · 11/12/2019 19:26

I’m sorry OP, I would suspect the lies are just as hard, if not harder, to deal with as the incident itself.

Alcohol is a depressant as you probably well know. If you wish to remain in the relationship I would think it wise to do so on the insistence he gets sober. Living with someone that is alcohol dependent is soul destroying.

kittyclouds · 11/12/2019 19:27

My heart goes out to you OP. I have loved and supported people with alcohol dependence in the past. Only my experience, but once the alcohol gets its claws in - no amount of love/persuasion/shocks to the system help. Just my view but I do think only a full detox and abstinence programme work. Otherwise the booze keeps its lies going in and through otherwise beautiful people.
Sadly people with both alcohol and depression have a hard time as they can't access depression support until the alcohol is under control and the depression can fuel the hiding through alcohol.
Echo others points, AlAnon is brilliant as a support for you. Whatever you decide, you aren't alone x

Span1elsRock · 11/12/2019 19:38

The shame isn't yours.

He's an addict, and the only person who can save him is himself - it's not your cross to bear and you can't do it for him. I really would advise contacting Al-Anon, they saved my friend's sanity and helped to her to see what she was trying not to.

Flowers
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 20:16

I have just cried loudly and messily down the phone to Al-Anon and Samaritans

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 20:19

I feel so alone

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2019 20:21

Aww OP Sad good on you for reaching out, that must have been so hard. I'm making a Brew while thinking of you since I can't make you one IRL. How do you feel having spoken to them?

Nicknacky · 11/12/2019 20:22

Oh Sticky What a tough time you are having. It will get better although it won’t seem like that right now.

We are here for you x

Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2019 20:23

You're not alone BrewCakeThanks and hugs. And I know when you get the strength to tell your family and friends you won't be alone then either.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 20:29

I just feel like such a fucking fool. All of you saw the score from a stranger’s internet post before I did...

And what’s worse is that I know all this in my head, and know what I need to do. But it will take moments for his touch and voice to (temporarily) wither away my resolve.

He’s meeting some friend tonight - hence to Al Anon and Samaritans calls. What’s scary is that all you agree this is NOT normal.

I feel like a frog having been placed in boiling water - I don’t think think I know what’s normal any more.

But to sound like an Eastenders stereotype, “but I looooove him”. It would be so much easier if I didn’t.

OP posts:
CactusAndCacti · 11/12/2019 20:30

Pleased that you were able to contact Al-anon, that was a massive step forwards for you.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 20:31

Urggh sorry for typos.

OP posts:
iklboodolphrednosedreindeer · 11/12/2019 20:33

Please don't beat yourself up. Alcoholics are very clever liars, gaslighters and manipulators. They convince you nothing is going on or that you're over-reacting.

CourtOfProtection · 11/12/2019 20:37

So sorry Sticky Sad I've been there too, but with different reasons. You have really done so well to reach out & talk about it. Long road ahead but wishing you lots of gentle kindness along the way. You are not at fault.

ohwheniknow · 11/12/2019 20:39

I know it's not the done thing here but sending hugs your way if you want them.

Even when you know you need to leave a relationship it's hard. Feelings don't evaporate and of course they make it harder to act on observations that others can make so simply. It's important you're ready when you do act, so it's ok if right now all you can do is start turning to face that decision.

Please be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up for not being able to up and leave won't help. And almost nobody can react like that. It's human nature to feel how you do. It's normal to grieve. It's normal to bargain and try to hold onto something that's been such a hugely important and positive part of your life.

I don't know if this will be any comfort, but you won't lose the good times you shared in an absolute sense. You keep them in your memories and you can revisit them and the feelings you had in those moments The good stuff isn't erased because a relationship ends (whether this way or because of bereavement). The way it's influenced the person you are and the life you've had aren't erased. You keep the good stuff and can revisit it even while you start moving forward differently. So you don't need to stay in the relationship just to keep access to them.

Take care of yourself Flowers

kittyclouds · 11/12/2019 20:46

You brave woman calling them. Well done. Do you feel able to reach out for some therapy/counselling? Just for YOU. You. Are. Not. Alone x

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 20:58

All hugs sent are gratefully accepted!

OP posts:
Bananasandchocolatecustard · 11/12/2019 21:00

You were brave to make those phone calls.
Suspecting something and knowing the truth are very different. You need to think of your own interests and what is best for you. You will be in shock for a while, if you can go to an Al-Alanon meeting they will understand what you are going through.
Try to take each day at a time.

Bananasandchocolatecustard · 11/12/2019 21:00

Forgot the hug.

AShaveAndAHarecutHalfPrice · 11/12/2019 21:09

Huge hug.

NorthEndGal · 11/12/2019 21:11

It's ok to love someone and still say good bye, and it's what you need to do if he cant see how bad his problem is.

He lied about the drinking, he lied all that time you were waiting. He should have taken it as the wake up call at the time of the accident.
Yet his instinct was still to hide and bluff, in case he might be able to get away with it.
If he cant see how hurtful he is being, he wont stop doing it.

RandomMess · 11/12/2019 21:23

Big hug from me and cuddles from DCat and DDog Thanks

Louise91417 · 11/12/2019 21:42

It is always easy for people on the outside to have a clearer view looking in, it doesnt mean your a fool. You had no reason to suspect anything. Your dh is a functioning alcoholic and so you had no reason to suspect anything. I dont think you should make any decisions about your future just yet. You need to process this and you need to accept. Please go to an al anon meeting, this will take away the feeling of loneliness and you will be among people who truly understand. From your posts your dh doesnt seem to be the worst but he has a problem and needs to address it and he cant go to AA for you, he has to go for himself. I really hope you both come through this.Flowers