Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Hand hold: DH missing after "accident"

976 replies

Stickywhitelovepiss · 07/06/2019 19:20

I know it's not been long, but this is really out of character and not sure what to do next.

Rang my DH on his mobile to let him know what time I'd get in and he didn't answer - often happens so then call him on work line. His work said he'd called in on way back in after lunch saying he'd been in a car accident but was fine, and neither hide nor hair heard since. That's all I know - no indication of the severity of the accident or where he or my car (which he drives) have got to.

I've been trying him on his mobile countless times, called 101 to see if they've got him somewhere, also A&E - but no joy.

He's been off grid for about 5 hours now, when he'd normally have picked me up, got the Tesco and we'd be sitting starting our weekend. But not even a text to let me know he's not dead in a ditch, and I don't have that phone tracker either on this latest handset.

Starting to panic slightly - if anyone is around for a hand hold or some pointers as to how I can track him down that's would be much appreciated....

OP posts:
Silvercatowner · 12/12/2019 19:30

No "cruel to be kind" slaps here.

Just big hugs.

TheNavigator · 12/12/2019 20:01

I just feel for you OP. In my experience, the disease is everything, in the end - it takes over the person and their need for drink will always been the main driving force before anyone or anything else. I wish I could say otherwise, but that is my experience.

You sound like my mum talking about her husband - I heard it for years, she always gave him another chance, he would appear to be dry, but alcholics are cunning - he would fool her (and perhaps himself) time and again. This was her life for over 30 years and for all her love and effort the drink has thoroughly and finally won and she can't leave him now because she is his carer. Please get out. Please. For you and your family. There is, in reality, no other way if you don't want to go down with him.

RandomMess · 12/12/2019 20:21

The problem is that my not walking away you are implicit in condoning and enabling his addiction.

By leaving there is more chance he will hit his rock bottom and address it, he won't whilst you're there Sad

Bodear · 12/12/2019 20:35

Your killer question: From my experience, trying to quantify what is “him” and what is “the disease” is pointless. Whatever the % is now, it will only get worse unless and until he chooses to get help. This is his choice and his alone. You can’t make him, you can’t persuade him, you can only enable or not.
The more you write about your “normal” the more it seems to me (as a paid up member of Aa) that your husband has a serious problem. From your previous post, he hasn’t admitted that he is an alcoholic and therefore is almost certainly hiding the true extent of the situation from you.
Going to al-anon is a sensible step. Please talk honestly and openly there (they’ll have heard it all before so no embarrassment). Good luck.

user1498572889 · 12/12/2019 20:40

Sending 🤗 to you. I know you love him but ultimately you may need to love yourself more.

CanISpeakToYourManager · 12/12/2019 20:43

Oh, OP. Sad Finding him unconscious on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night with the grill smoking sounds absolutely awful.

If this was dementia or another illness that affected his capacity to fund tion to such an alarming degree, you wouldn't find it so hard to know what to do. You would find him a care home or a live in carer or something. It would be awful and sad and hard and you would feel absolutely dreadful for ages but you wouldn't be unsure. And you wouldn't be letting questions about what was him and what was the dementia get in the way of that decision,because you'd realise that you (and he) are NOT SAFE.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2019 21:08

God op, unconscious on thr floor and he's still denying he is an alcoholic. Have you told him he is, told him he needs to seek help? That this can't continue? It's only going to get worse. Where he no longer functions.

AllYouGoodGoodPeople · 12/12/2019 21:12

There comes a point when what is "him" and what is "the disease" simply doesn't matter anymore. The effects on you are the same and that question becomes irrelevant.

MrsMozartMkII · 12/12/2019 23:00

Sending you a hug, and a strong handhold to get out of this before it subsumes you as well lass.

FraglesRock · 12/12/2019 23:12

He doesn't seem to be trying to hide it any more or trying to stop or caring what you think.
Sorry

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 12/12/2019 23:14

I know you are all right, and are all wonderful. It may take me a little while to catch up, but I will eventually

OP posts:
Defenbaker · 12/12/2019 23:35

OP, this is clearly breaking your heart, I feel for you. It's tragic to think that a man that used to be genuinely "heroic" has been reduced to such a low point by his love of alcohol, but sadly this is all too common.

If your love for him is so strong, perhaps you could leave him, but offer limited support, from a distance, while having minimal contact with him? Or maybe that would be too messy, and you couldn't trust him not to turn up drunk, and make a scene about what a victim he is (lots of them seem to do that). Also, be prepared for him to start threatening suicide, if you leave him. It's unlikely that a man who is in denial about the extent of his problems will just let you go without a fight, and be happy for you to have a better life without him.

I'm so sorry to hear of any woman, or man, going through this. I believe that if alcohol had only just been invented, it would probably be classified as a class 1 dangerous drug, rather than the socially acceptable drug of choice that it is now. I know lots of people enjoy alcohol, and most people are able to drink in moderation (bar the odd occasion when they might be letting off steam), but I honestly think that on the whole the human race would be better off if alcohol had never been invented. Not for nothing do people refer to "the demon drink", as its effects can be so evil. Stay strong OP, there is lots of support here, and from AA type support groups, for people going through this.

64sNewName · 12/12/2019 23:36

Catching up. I’m so sorry, OP. Sending you another hug. I know it’s only pixels and stuff, but y’know.

I think CanISpeak makes a really good point just a few posts back.

QueenOfOversharing · 12/12/2019 23:38

If it helps at all, I am 10 years sober, in AA & I know that if he can acknowledge his addiction & seek help, he can change his life. The huge caveat is if he wants it and if he can accept he is an alcoholic.

In my early days of stopping & going to meetings, I still didn't think I was an alcoholic - just someone who wanted to stop drinking. I didn't think I drank enough to "qualify". But I now know I am - and it's my thinking that is the problem, alcohol was my solution to that.

I'm so glad you're going to AlAnon - it's a great way for you to get support & to voice what you're going through. Don't be put off by the "12 steps" - as many ppl can be - just listen to ppl & see what sounds familiar to you. See if they sound like AlAnon is helping.

If I can be of any help, please do PM me.

Hugs & Thanks

Notacluetwittwoo · 13/12/2019 00:25

OP, just read all of this (well I skim read some but most) from the beginning. My heart is breaking for you. Sending you so much love and big hugs!
You need to do what is right for you now. I know it’s hard, but you need to focus on your future and not just on saving him. People can only be “saved” if they want to be. If he isn’t addressing the issue and isn’t doing everything he possibly can to sort it out, then you can’t help him.
He needs to help himself. Flowers

peridito · 13/12/2019 08:31

I'm so sorry to hear of any woman, or man, going through this. I believe that if alcohol had only just been invented, it would probably be classified as a class 1 dangerous drug, rather than the socially acceptable drug of choice that it is now. I agree Defenbaker

Sticky tears for you here ,I so feel for you and your DH .

I know from personal experience that ppl can stop drinking and can change .
Just keep going ,get yourself through the day .Try and look after yourself .
It's not the time to make any decisions ,give yourself space and time .

Hugs to both you and your DH .

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 13/12/2019 11:37

Thanks all. I thought I’d meet a barrage of angry LTBs and scorn at me for failing to follow through straight away.

The “permission” to give myself time and space to think and process is appreciated.

OP posts:
caperplips · 13/12/2019 12:12

Sending you huge hugs and support Sticky . It's a dark path and alcoholism is such a bastard. xx

Neome · 13/12/2019 22:09

The notion that alcohol is "cunning, baffling and powerful" helped me realise why problem drinking in the family can be so confusing.

Good luck OP

BackforGood · 13/12/2019 22:29

Another sending you some hugs .
Am so glad you've taken the first step in talking to the knowledgeable people who can support you.

katewhinesalot · 13/12/2019 22:43

Do you really think he can conquer this?

Etinox · 13/12/2019 22:46

Sending you big hugs @Stickywhitelovepiss
You have nothing to be ashamed of. I could have been your husband 10 years ago. Like you my DH loved me and supported me. Unlike your DH I completely owned my shit and worked very hard to get sober. Whatever he’s charged with and how he reacts will be key. If he thinks the charge is unfair or that he’s got away with it, we’ll thats just delaying his rock bottom. I don’t know what to advise. No one needed to threaten me with anything. My parents and DH knew and I knew that I’d lose everything and that was enough to get me to AA and sober. The consequences were so obvious- I was primary carer for children well young enough for SS to be interested, my parents weren’t near enough to step in sustainably. If I’d continued drinking they’d have had to go and live with them. What consequences are there for you DH if he continues to drink?

olivertwistwantsmore · 13/12/2019 22:57

Oh, op, thank you for coming back to update us. Have a huge hug from me. I sympathise with you - sounds like your h’s alcohol issues are a lot worse than you had thought.

I recommend some counselling for you to help you decide what you want to do.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 13/12/2019 23:30

Just rung him from my work Christmas do and he is the pissed one at home!

No, I don’t think he truly has the will or willpower to conquer this.

If I could stay in my current mind, it would be so much the better for me.

What I stand to lose @Etinox is the relationship - and at this point possibly more upsettingly - the cat. Oh, and any form of dignity or self-respect.

No kids, and money wise even split. Would hope to do things amicably, hope being the operative word. He is older and has a bigger pension, and has a property in trust, so objectively would stand to lose more.

As for me, I don’t want money - just a clean split at this point.

Though ask me again in the morning, and my resolve may not be as strong.

OP posts:
Etinox · 13/12/2019 23:43
Blush I meant to type what does he stand to lose? You certainly have nothing to reproach yourself for and your dignity is yours and intact. Alcoholics lie and manipulate. You’ve done nothing wrong. Flowers