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Original poster

Hand hold: DH missing after "accident"

976 replies

Stickywhitelovepiss · 07/06/2019 19:20

I know it's not been long, but this is really out of character and not sure what to do next.

Rang my DH on his mobile to let him know what time I'd get in and he didn't answer - often happens so then call him on work line. His work said he'd called in on way back in after lunch saying he'd been in a car accident but was fine, and neither hide nor hair heard since. That's all I know - no indication of the severity of the accident or where he or my car (which he drives) have got to.

I've been trying him on his mobile countless times, called 101 to see if they've got him somewhere, also A&E - but no joy.

He's been off grid for about 5 hours now, when he'd normally have picked me up, got the Tesco and we'd be sitting starting our weekend. But not even a text to let me know he's not dead in a ditch, and I don't have that phone tracker either on this latest handset.

Starting to panic slightly - if anyone is around for a hand hold or some pointers as to how I can track him down that's would be much appreciated....

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 11/12/2019 21:50

Don’t feel a mug op, lying and deception are symptoms of addiction. No one who hasn’t Witnessed it or been through it could know how the substance and the addiction would run someone’s personality and behaviour.
On afraid Substance addiction odd one of the few areas of life that is truly black and white. Abstinence is the on way out. He can of course get treatment for trauma/ anxiety/ ptsd( which can be from a tiny event if the system is already highly stressed) , but all this has to happen in the context of detox and abstinence.

Sending warm hugs and strength. You’ve done a great thing talking to Al anon. I hope you go from strength to strength.
We are all behind you .

CalleighDoodle · 11/12/2019 22:18

He is an addict and a liar. He didnt tell you the truth, it hot to the point he could hide it any more. He is still lying to himself.

Life with a liar is awful, op. If you have no children, walk away.

bottlenose301 · 11/12/2019 22:34

Sorry OP. It's horrible to have been lied to for so long and probably not the first time. I would've necessary get rid but understand it's a lot to get past, discuss and move forward from.

Bodear · 11/12/2019 22:34

Hi OP
I’ve been sober and in AA for 3 years. Please believe me when I say I know enough alcoholics to say without a doubt that leaving is the sane choice and will be the best for your husband too.
PM me if you want - happy to chat if it helps.
Brew

LetterFromLorah · 11/12/2019 22:46

OP, I am so sorry. Thanks

My husband is also ex-forces. He left about 10 years ago but is struggling massively with mental health issues. The sad fact is that many people in the military or police regularly see and experience things that the human mind is just not designed to cope with. Have you talked to him about PTSD? If he won't go to AA, you could insist that he gets in contact with a veteran's mental health charity. Combat Stress have been incredible with my husband.

Thinking of you. Thanks

CactusAndCacti · 11/12/2019 22:47

Bodear Well Done. Star

ICouldBeVotingTactically · 11/12/2019 23:00

OP, is there any way you have access to counselling for yourself? If you work, your employer may offer confidential support free of charge. Just a thought.

I suspect once you start to confide in friends and family you'll get more support than you have now. I'll bet some have suspected the truth.

Take care Flowers

TrueCrimeFan · 11/12/2019 23:14

I'm sorry to see your update.,you have nothing to be ashamed of

MyNameIsJane · 11/12/2019 23:21

I’m sorry. Big hug from me.

balletpanda · 11/12/2019 23:39

I'm so sorry things have worked out like this. Big hugs from me and dcatThanksCake

MLMsuperfan · 12/12/2019 00:45

When you say you were a fool what I'm reading is someone who was trusting and loyal of their life partner. Normally these are the best qualities a person can have. You have been let down so badly, but your qualities as a human should be celebrated and not blamed.

Defenbaker · 12/12/2019 01:52

OP, I couldn't believe it when I read your update. 6 MONTHS to get the blood results?!? That is appalling, in itself. Meanwhile your DH has been continuing to drink and deceive you about what happened, hoping no doubt that the test would show him as being just under the limit. Was there really an accident in the first place? If someone had reversed into him, why was there no damage to your car? Sounds like he was driving erratically and the police pulled him over. The fact he created a web of lies to extricate himself just caused extra worry for you, and made matters worse.

I would be demanding complete honesty from him about the whole thing, and then decide whether he is worth the trouble. If he is otherwise a decent partner and normally treats you with respect, maybe the relationship can be saved, but make it clear to him that he needs to seek professional help and that you will not tolerate any further lies. If you catch him lying again, chances are you will know he's fallen off the wagon again.

My father was an alcoholic, and made my mother's life a misery. Alcoholism is an illness, and maybe you want to support him through recovery, but he has to really want to do it, for himself. He has the choice, and you have the choice of deciding whether to stay with him.

Good luck OP, this is really tough to cope with, especially so near to Christmas.

Neome · 12/12/2019 02:09

Alanon was a life and sanity saver for me in the throes of family crisis. I'd also been deceived and felt betrayed, ashamed and in complete inner turmoil.

I remember one of the most helpful things I heard then was that I didn't need to make an instant dramatic change.

There was a lot of pain to go through but also some incredibly supportive friends to be found.

You are not alone.

Bodear · 12/12/2019 07:11

Thanks @CactusAndCacti Smile that’s really nice of you Flowers

Knowhowufeel · 12/12/2019 10:24

@Stickywhitelovepiss, would he have confessed to the drink problem if he'd been within the limit? Or would he have kept quiet thinking he'd got away with it again?

It's not your shame to carry either. This is his doing, not yours. All you've done is be there for him and believe/trust him. I think you'll struggle to get the trust back though, and what is a relationship without trust??

For you....FlowersFlowersBrewCake

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 12/12/2019 11:31

At work trying and failing to concentrate. I so, so, so want to believe him that he can change - rationally I know he very likely can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 12/12/2019 11:33

This aside I love him so fucking much.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 12/12/2019 11:49

I'm so sorry sticky, I can imagine that this is absolutely the only thing you can think about right now.

I thought bodear's post above resonated a lot, that it may be best for both of you. I can imagine that at the moment you feel like you love him so much that if you leave him you would be abandoning him and it would be worse for him. But if people who know more than me say that in fact it would be better for him, that could be a data point to factor into your decision making. Would you consider reaching out to that poster to chat, as they invited you to do?

Also, would you consider accessing counselling for yourself and taking some time off? I can imagine that in future it will be great to throw yourself into work to keep yourself occupied but at the moment maybe not so great.

FraglesRock · 12/12/2019 12:02

Sadly you love him but he loves alcohol

I do think al Amon would help you rationalise what you're thinking. Are there any groups near you.

Thedeadwood · 12/12/2019 12:20

I just feel like such a fucking fool. All of you saw the score from a stranger’s internet post before I did...

Oh OP, that's only because a lot of us have been exactly where you've been. I have nothing but the deepest of empathy for you. Please remember the 3 Cs, "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it,"

suziesue45 · 12/12/2019 12:25

Oh you poor thing. Addiction is so hard, it takes over peoples lives and makes them lie to hide the truth. If its any consolation he was probably lying to himself too thinking it wasn't as bad as it is and he has got to feel shame for his actions. You seem like such a lovely person, you really don't deserve this. Flowers

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 12/12/2019 19:00

For me the killer is question is how much of OH is “him” and how how much the “disease”?

This is getting into undignified territory now, but this was/is a truly good, righteous (in the true sense of the world), at times over the years genuinely heroic man. The only man I have ever loved, and my soul mate in so many ways.

Still now, in many ways there is so so much good to the bad, but - whatever the day or the mood - I am always expecting the worst, and don’t get any kind of true relief from the addiction even on the “good” days.

I am always on guard - even in my dreams! Jerked awake last night dreaming he was unconscious on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night, with smoke billowing from the grill. Two weeks ago, that was a reality (thank God for the smoke alarm).

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 12/12/2019 19:00

Oh and I am going to al anon next week

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 12/12/2019 19:04

I know this is pathetic, btw.

Do feel free to deliver any and all “cruel to be kind” verbal slaps!

I would if I were reading this thread.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 12/12/2019 19:22

Sending you more hugs.