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Original poster

Hand hold: DH missing after "accident"

976 replies

Stickywhitelovepiss · 07/06/2019 19:20

I know it's not been long, but this is really out of character and not sure what to do next.

Rang my DH on his mobile to let him know what time I'd get in and he didn't answer - often happens so then call him on work line. His work said he'd called in on way back in after lunch saying he'd been in a car accident but was fine, and neither hide nor hair heard since. That's all I know - no indication of the severity of the accident or where he or my car (which he drives) have got to.

I've been trying him on his mobile countless times, called 101 to see if they've got him somewhere, also A&E - but no joy.

He's been off grid for about 5 hours now, when he'd normally have picked me up, got the Tesco and we'd be sitting starting our weekend. But not even a text to let me know he's not dead in a ditch, and I don't have that phone tracker either on this latest handset.

Starting to panic slightly - if anyone is around for a hand hold or some pointers as to how I can track him down that's would be much appreciated....

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 14:00

I honestly don’t know at this point OneFor

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 11/12/2019 14:02

Oh I'm sorry. Agreed for me it would be the masses of lies that would be it for me.

FraglesRock · 11/12/2019 14:02

Has he stopped drinking, Will he drink over Xmas?

Lunde · 11/12/2019 14:12

The lying would be the dealbreaker for me - especially as you gave him so many opportunities to come clear - in particular the not very convincing cock and bull story he expected you to just believe and take his word for.

Has he been really remorseful and proactive at tackling his alcohol problems?

JudgeRindersMinder · 11/12/2019 14:12

Sorry this has happened OP, I’m sorry to say the whole deflecting etc is so familiar to me, my brother in law has done very similar the first time he was caught drink driving, he managed to keep it secret till the day he was in court and was sacked by his employer. It’s the pack of lies he told and the ripple effect of his conviction that’s almost worse than the actual conviction if that makes sense.
I hope your husband can engage with the services which are there to help him, my BIL just paid it all lip service to comply with the court 🙄
Don’t make any rash decisions right now, keep your options open and be kind to yourself

Lunde · 11/12/2019 14:12
  • come clean
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 14:17

He has supposedly cut down, but no not stopped drinking. He’s seeing GP and had a few changes to medication that are helping him to manage his mental health better, but not doing AA. His stance is that he has a problem with alcohol, rather than being an alcoholic who needs AA.

It’s the typical alcoholic script - my rationale self knows it and sees it now. The problem is the heart at this point rather than the head...

I was massively ashamed just to let mumsnet know the truth - let alone our friends and family if we did split over this.

OP posts:
Goldenchildsmum · 11/12/2019 14:19

I agree with @multi - get some counselling for you to hear your thoughts reflected back. So cathartic

TheNavigator · 11/12/2019 15:21

Be so careful, OP. My mum kept believing her alchoholic husband's script, it sounds so similar to your husbands. She stayed with him so many times when she should have left. That ship has sailed now - she is now his carer as he has alchohol induced vascular dementia and korsakoff dementia and I would not wish her life on anyone. He still drinks. Do not allow yourself to become trapped, the promises of alchoholics are worthless.

caperplips · 11/12/2019 16:32

Oh OP what a shit situation for you. I have family experience of this, similar line of 'not an alcoholic, just a problem with alcohol'. It will get a hell of a lot worse before it gets better, if it gets better. You will need to look after yourself.

He was likely drinking at home at lunchtime in secret. Have also seen that play out. Bottles hidden everywhere.

I feel desperately sad for you and hope it works out.

caperplips · 11/12/2019 16:33

Also please don't be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong.

Sprinklemetinsel · 11/12/2019 17:03

I'm so sorry it's come to this! Has there been any sense of relief to finally know what happened?

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2019 17:13

Did you literally have no idea he was an alcoholic op?

If it helps this is a very common way for it to come to light, when they get done for drink driving. He just needs to take control now, before it descends into thr stages that are difficult to recover from.

Fireextinguished · 11/12/2019 17:15

OP I'd be so cross with the lies and deceit.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 17:31

Obviously I knew he drank, but no way to the whole day time drinking / bottles of vodka in garage and boot of car.

No relief at all - just feeling unspeakably sad right now. I don’t think I’ll be able to ever look my dad in the eye again. He’s been so good to us both, and this is his pay back.

OP posts:
FfionFlorist · 11/12/2019 17:36

Op, whichever ever direction you go in I believe you'll make the right decision. You sound strong and sensible and calm, you'll make the right choice. Good luck.

FraglesRock · 11/12/2019 17:47

I think he's the one who should be very ashamed. You done nothing wrong.
If he wasn't going to aa or had stopped I think I'd be done.
He'd have to have turned a corner for us the move forward with this. He still sounds in denial. If you bought a blood alcohol reader do you think he'd pass tonight.

RandomMess · 11/12/2019 18:06

SadSadSadSadAngry

Thanks

Tough times ahead.

Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2019 18:20

That should read "DH may never be able to look my dad in the eye again."

Hold your head up high OP and don't you dare think about taking ANY blame for this. This is not your fault. What is it they say - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He is the only one who can accept he has a problem and fix it, and from what you've said it doesn't look great on that front.

I'd like to think if it was me and my dad I'd be going straight round and asking his advice and support. I suspect he'll tell you exactly what everyone here has told you with absolutely no negative judgement on you at all.

Strength to you OP ThanksSad

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2019 18:21

I also think in this scenario I'd lay down the law. Stop drinking, seek help, go to aa or it's over.

Pretending he's not an alcoholic and continuing to drink would not be something I'd stay about for. Genuinely I'd be out. By staying I do think there is an element of enabling going on, like you pretend to agree he's not an alcoholic when he very obviously is.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 11/12/2019 18:42

No relief at all - just feeling unspeakably sad right now. I don’t think I’ll be able to ever look my dad in the eye again. He’s been so good to us both, and this is his pay back.

OP, hold your head up, this is 100% his shame, not yours. You are not the drinker who lied, he is. And by your updates, he's still lying in some respects, to you, himself..."His stance is that he has a problem with alcohol, rather than being an alcoholic who needs AA."

I'm so sorry. We can give you support, but it's now down to you what you are willing to accept. I've had alcoholics in the family. It's not pretty, and it's tiring. Look after yourself and put yourself first.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 18:51

Thanks all so much.

I am still processing this myself - not anywhere near telling anyone else yet. Mumsnet is the only outlet I have at the minute.

It is killing me at the moment. He is not some devious, lying, scheming master mind by nature. In the heart of hearts, he is a good person and I know loves me - but maybe not quite enough, it seems.

Alcohol seems to have got its claws in though, and I don’t see him giving it up any time soon.

So much of the time we’ve been happy - people always joke how we were “meant to be”. And were - until the last 6 months.

OP posts:
puds11 · 11/12/2019 18:58

In terms of charges, what can he expect?

MrsBobDylan · 11/12/2019 19:03

I think you need to talk to someone in RL. Don't let him pull you into a web of secrets and lies. He has an addiction and is ill. Only he can do anything about that, but for you to suffer in silence in the meantime will be unbearable.

By keeping his secret you are also unwittingly enabling him to carry on drinking and pretending he can control it.

He will love you as much as you thought he did but he is in the grip of a powerful addiction which eclipses that love.

I know how soul destroying it is to live with an alcoholic. I am so sorry for your pain.

FraglesRock · 11/12/2019 19:04

He must have been lying for quite some time by the accident to have felt confident enough to drink before an afternoon at work and drive.
So yes he's deceptive