Today I said the wankiest thing ever.

[LadyOfTheCanyon]

Cutting some cellophane into a circle at work while I customer watched
"that's pretty nifty!" She said " How do you know how to do that?
" Oh, it's the same principle as making a Cartouche for sweating celeriac!" I said cheerfully.

I fear my WC forebears are spinning in their graves. What's the wankiest thing you've ever said?

Boil the bag

Trying to put toddler to sleep and seen that, shes no longer asleep.

Boil in the vag 😁 that made my night. I don’t get out much.

I had a boil in the vag once. I gave it a squeeze and the pus came right out and hit the ceiling. As did I.

Have you made a cartouche yet for your boil in the vag, OP? Or a cardouche.

Still laughing st boil in the vag!

Reading something at work phonetically I said Y for Wankee
Fortunately the customer convulsed at the same time as me

So does wanky mean rich? So it’s the thing you’ve said that makes you sound rich?

@catinboots99 exactly what I was thinking 🙄

It was on page 1 but still laughing at boil in the vag!!

I once told a woman at playgroup...My DD has a vocabulary of 107 words...

It was my first daughter and I cringe thinking about it much more than I should...

@RoxytheRexy Can't be Dropkick Murphys or Flogging Molly, then - Gogol Bordello or Golem, perhaps?

DP thinks my actual wankiest thing was handwritten - whilst I was searching for a decent plant in the front of the supermarket and he offered to escape the greenery get some more things in the trolley, I said 'yes, please' and gave him my shopping list

Lemon - not bottle
Carrots
Celery
Asparagus if good
Ewes' Milk Cheese - ?Ossau-Iraty? Manchego?
Breasola
Hummus - pine nuts and whole chickpeas (got sumac)
Black olives in oil or lemon and thyme (not tin)
Maldon Salt
Ras el Hanout (Bart's tin)
Olive crackers
Blue eggs
Organic Strong Breadflour
Dove's Farm Yeast - Quick/for Breadmakers
Cawston Rhubarb or Rose Lemonade
Grain free cat crunchies
Whatever 'DP' wants

• and I called across as he left 'can you get chargrilled artichokes as well? The ones with lemon and herb dressing?'

By the time I caught up with him, he'd added pork pies, scotch eggs, cooked cocktail sausages, a packet of Haribo, a microwave burger thing and some Monster Munch to the trolley. I didn't need to write them down because he hadn't decided he wanted them.

I'm not MC. But if I've got to spend money on food, then I'm going to spend it on stuff I like, rather than microwave burgers and packets of crisps.

This was an actual FB entry of mine. I immediately followed it up with an acknowledgement of its dire wankiness.

'Thomasina saw an egret feeding in the bottom mill pond just before dusk. Very exciting!'

(Have substituted the name of my DD to protect her innocence)

best laugh I’ve had in ages, thank you

Ha ha ha boil in the vag

Not said by but to me today from 3 visiting men.

I'm sat clearly working "so are you going to make us a brew then?"

They lived; but it was touch and go at one point

I won't be needing the microwave any more. Cos I have a vag instead.

100percent No wanky means pretentious

I was once in a pub with DH and a few of his musician friends, some of whom were making a loud racket playing in the rock band in the pub that evening.

We were all talking about whether there was a piece of music that really moves you - you know the sort of thing - gives you goosebumps and makes all the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Cue much talk of prog rock and guitar riffs and lesser-known Beatles numbers...

My contribution? The finale to Swan Lake when I saw the Bolshoi Ballet performing at the Royal Opera House.

@100percentplease, not rich, just something that sounds pretentious or up yourself, especially when taken out of context.

Can I have a full fat sugar free vanilla latte please, small with an extra shot of espresso?

What mortifies me is how easily it trips off the tongue.

Now I just have a flat white. Much less twatty.

Brilliant thread, I’ve sent a few texts where bag has autocorrected to Vag!
Wankiest thing I’ve ever said - was at the checkout in Sains and realised I had forgotten to get 2 items for a specific buffet dish that I make probably once every 10 years or so.
Asked if someone could pop and get a couple of items for me
“Yes of course what do you need”
“ Quails eggs and caviar please”

Starter- boil in the vag curry
Main course- toad in the hole
Desert- Spotted Dick.

Phnarr Phnarr Kersnick Kersnick to quote The Viz.

My —fussy as fuck— MIL was coming for lunch and DH and I split to do the shopping. I was left with 5 year old DD in Lidl doing our weekly shop as normal while DH went to Waitrose. He phoned me to say he’d picked up the —only thing she’ll eat— goats cheese as requested by MIL. It was at the exact time I was trying to keep DD amused by giving her bits to go and pick up. Without thinking I hollered ‘don’t worry about the goats cheese darling, Daddy’s found it in Waitrose ‘. I sounded like an utter twat even to myself!

Boil in the vag

Really suffering with HG right now and that's the first time I've properly laughed in days. Thanks OP

The first MN thread I laughed out loud at was snapped and farted, the second was boil in a vag! Bravo OP!!

Fucking boil in the vag!!

I once said something about rescheduling my car valet so ds1 didn't have to miss his fencing tuition that sounded a bit wanky.

Overheard in a gift shop - small girl had found a silver-coloured picture frame and asked her mum if she could have it. Yes of course darling, said the mum, we can put it on top of the grand piano in the music room.

Uncontrollable laughter here... boil in the vag