Today I said the wankiest thing ever.

[LadyOfTheCanyon]

Cutting some cellophane into a circle at work while I customer watched
"that's pretty nifty!" She said " How do you know how to do that?
" Oh, it's the same principle as making a Cartouche for sweating celeriac!" I said cheerfully.

I fear my WC forebears are spinning in their graves. What's the wankiest thing you've ever said?

properly hysterical at boil in the vag!!!

"I should have thought they'd have reduced waiting times when you call the [Lufthansa Miles & More] Senators' Customer Service line. I don't have time for this!"

Said to a friend who is struggling financially. I'm an arse!

In my defense: I'm not actually that swanky. I just have a job that includes lots of travel and a corresponding amount of loyalty scheme points with all things travel related.

Newroadtohappiness your bit about your mum saying cock has me crying with laughter. Boil in the vag made me giggle but I have also absentmindedly said the word im looking at to someone on the phone making no sense to myself or the person on the phone, im sure some of our customers wonder who they have called

I used to work in a call center, and accidently ended a call with .. ok, glad I sorted that for you, bye, love you.

I didn't realise until I noticed a couple friends next to me, pissing their pants, who eventually told me what I'd said

Giving an acquaintance a ride home.
Him (seeing my car): 'You drive a beamer?'
Me: 'Yes, so does my husband'.

We literally got them both for steals as they were ex demo and from another state and my husband is hood with negotiation and money. Acquaintance was impressed as they too are a wank so with him being a wank and me sounding like a huge wank we made quite the pair.

On the acronyms thing

a) I've said this on multiple threads, it drives me mad.

b)this is a thread on saying wanky things. Maybe I should have added,'wankyest thing topu on this thread', rather than mentioning pedant's corner.

c) DuchessDarty that does say, 'abbreviations and acronyms' and there are acronyms in the list eg SENCO

@macblank 😂😂 brilliant!

Last night dh’s phone pinged at 5am, waking us up.
Dh, excitedly: “We have a new nephew. Both him and SIL are fine”
Me, still half asleep: “What are they calling him?”
DH: says name
Me, too sleepy to engage filter: What? Why would you do that?”
DH: hard stare

I am officially a wanker.

Wow...memories, boil in the bag food, I remember it well...does itcstill exist?

Wow...memories, boil in the bag food, I remember it well...does itcstill exist?

It's all sous vide nowadays, you know.

Ok, that was just trying to answer in the spirit of the thread. Sous vide is simmered much lower than boiling point. And boil in the bag does exist - at least rice does, DD bought some flavoured stuff for a DofE expedition, and also some frozen food is in pouches which can be microwaved or boiled.

When I went camping with friends when I was a teenager, the rice was with Vesta dried curry. Some things are better forgotten.

My DD provided a wanky statement. We were walking around a different town and managed to get lost a bit. We walked down behind the local shopping precinct where the local homeless were in sleeping bags in doorways. Cue DD in her best RP ' Mummy, When you see the poor, doesn't it make feel so sad?'

I teach and when writing reports, the thought that the Head proof reads them and is a Dr of English does something to my brain. I once wrote 'His grasp of onomatopoeiac language is astounding' about a 3year old who liked the word 'plop'!

I told my lovely friend that my pfb 1 year old was such a good eater, he'd eat anything at all, the only thing he's not really into is coriander seed.

How the fuck I knew that I do not know and my subsequent children wouldn't have known what coriander seed is if their lives depended on it.

I always cringe when I remember my friend's face which was a very kind nod with eyes that said "you twat"

DD at party aged 4 “where are the cake 🍰 forks and napkins”

"A very kind nod with eyes that said "You Twat" "

Oh, haven't we all been there!

My friend, fresh from a long flight and using the loo at Heathrow, came out with the following. "Omg the only decent public toilets in this country is in Harrods!" Bless her.

I generally try not to swear or use blasphemous language. Both ds’s go along with this, and generally use “fudge” or “duck” etc within my hearing. I sometimes hear myself saying “gosh” or worse “golly” and cringe a little bit on the inside!

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

I swear like a sailor but would never have sworn in front of my lovely mum. She died when I was 42 and would have given me the full force of her wrath if she'd heard me swear!

A few years ago I had my car booked in for it's MOT. I had to take my large cat, who was elderly and a bit whiffy at the time, for his jabs beforehand. I dropped the cat back at home and drove on to the garage. The man came out as I got out of the car and I handed him the keys and said 'Sorry if my car smells of pussy'. I had never ever referred to my cat as a pussy before so wtf I said that I'll never know! I have never walked away so fast and I made dh go and collect the car later

I was a student on a course with students who were financially really struggling. I went on several expensive holidays during the breaks from study, one during a Reading Week (i’d submitted my assignments before I travelled).

Scholarship student: “how are you feeling, did you have a nice time in the States?

Me: “Oh my god I just got back yesterday and I am SOOOOO jet lagged. I didn’t get a wink of sleep on the plane. There were babies crying everywhere. Of course I’d expect it in economy, but who the fuck brings a baby into Upper Class on an overnight flight?!”

I didn’t even realise what I’d said until I saw all the eyes glaring back at me.

Scholarship student: Who the fuck flies Upper Class?

What a knob I was.

Uh, I must be really wanky cause I don’t see a problem with most of the things said on here... concerning lol. Out of curiosity why are these things wanky? If you go sailing and riding and your DD just got a pony and you go to visit it often in the livery and you just turned your spare room into a library... etc lol.. what exactly is wrong with all of this? Surely if someone has a problem with you using words like cartouche or speaking about your new library or new horse it really is there problem not yours? Someone explain?

Actually, scratch that... reading more comments I think I get this. My mum is queen of speaking like this! Literally all day every day - my mum this morning “I think I will stroll today, strolling in Chloe I think!” while she choses between two Chloe hand bags that are identical but one is leather and the other is suede.... yes she says wanky shit by the minute... haha

Oh God @PeppyPig, I call my handbags by their names too . “Have you seen Louis? Little cream Louis, not big brown Louis. Don’t be ridiculous, you know I only use big brown Louis when I’m travelling and you know full well little cream Louis is my Sunday bag!”

I recently got a gorgeous new Karl Lagerfeld black bag in New York and I’ve only been using it a week and caught myself shrieking, “DON’T PUT KARL ON THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!” When my elderly mother moved it off a bench. She was like, “Who’s Karl?” and I swear I start stroking the bag and lovingly said “THIS is Karl”.

I am an A grade wanker. Ugh.

EleanorOalike I call my Harrods handbag Harry!
Disclaimer-I got it in a charity shop!

A lot of it is about context, PeppyPiggy - who said what to whom.

Not the handbag naming though, I can't imagine any context which makes that OK!

After howling with laughter at this thread on Saturday morning, I shared some of the best posts with a male not at all romantically involved with friend who I spent the afternoon with. As well as the boil in the vag, being pleased to spread your legs, we laughed that we had both done the 'love you' thing at the end of phone calls or put inapproriate kisses on texts to the absolutely wrong person.

So what happened next?

We parted ways on a busy High Street crossing, just the usual thing, great afternoon, so much fun, see you soon, blah blah..walking away, I waved and said, "Byeeeeee!" (as you do!), he shouted, "Bye, LOVE YOU!!".

I sniggered.

He ran.

We're mates, we don't 'do' that!!

Still laughing...his faux pas has not been mentioned since (we text often!)...