Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello - this is the advice clinic, please come in. We are a team of untrained but experienced kindly Agony Aunts. There's no judgement here, even if you are a filthy, drunken old slag.

Eating dog FOOD, not poo, Jesus.

Would you say we're trolls?

Can you troll your own thread? I don’t think so. Except when you were pineapple.

DT you need to apply for grant funding. Maybe the Big Lottery Fund can help.

I wouldn't put it passed me to troll my own thread as myself.

You've all been in the bar with Dog, haven't you? I still expect top quality advice tomorrow, no running mascara, vomiting or excuses to break off because of queasiness

Our advice is always top quality. Two of us are non-drinkers too, you’ll have to guess which.

White dog poo is caused by dogs eating a diet rich in bones, which begs the question - Thigh, why were you eating bones when you were a toddler?
I fed my dog a bone once, a proper raw beef leg bone, he ate chucks of it and the following day was pitifully crying as he tried to pass bone shards....i have never fed bones to my dogs since.

DT i couldn't wait for your long straw, so i drank deeply from my toilet bowl in the hope that rum might have miraculously travelled through the sewerage system from your toilet to mine, but i don't think it has. Unless it is one of those modern flavoured rums, you know like they do with gin all the time now.
I could describe my toilet rum in the terms of a wine connoisseur, fruity, full bodied with a hint of je ne sais quoi.

We'll give you a clue, it's not Dog.

I'm not a troll, but I do recognise myself in this line-up!

Hmm. I'd say one is you lido, and I'll consider the other

That'll be the piss Dog.

DT isn't that a gonk?

Indeed...it is not me!
Let no man (or woman) ever say that i let an opportunity for a drink go past me. I am (one of) the original lush.

Piss! That's what i couldn't place. If i was Bear Grills, I'd recognise it straightway.

Oddly my mum did used to give me chicken bones (kneecaps?) to gnaw. I wonder why.

Oh are they gonks? Well shows how much I know! Anyway I did say I wasn't a troll so I must be a gonk!

Gonk is one of my favourite words.

Apparently my sobriety shines through

Why thank you Dog.

Now you mustn't be giving out these mixed messages to Frown she will never guess you are not the other sober thister at this rate!

Just to go back to Thigh's arse for a moment. If she is broadcasting her arse-casts as a byproduct of her megalomania, then was there nothing originally wrong with it? Because, there is now...no one should shit as often and as liquidly as Thigh, surely?

I think Frown has the measure of me. I winked lewdly at her once, whilst under the influence. I'm afraid all hope of presenting a sober front has gone, as far as I'm concerned.

We also had to drink a lot of wormjuice because it was expensive. This was to treat threadworms which we didn't fucking have in the first place.

As if that wasn't enough mum would ration out the toilet roll. 2 sheets per visit, I would steal extra and hide it in my music box with my special pieces of thread who were all named Colon, my imaginary friend.

It's a miracle I turned out like I did. A shit miracle but still.

I think my arse is efficient and interesting. I have thought this since the pure white poo.