Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello - this is the advice clinic, please come in. We are a team of untrained but experienced kindly Agony Aunts. There's no judgement here, even if you are a filthy, drunken old slag.

Aww @thislido, friendship hug!

If I'd posted earlier I would have asked about how to stop my knees knocking at having to phone to say I couldn't make a meeting, but I clamped them down and made the call.

I did meet my whore quotient for today though, I accidentally held someone's hand whilst trying to take a piece of paper then froze so we were handholding for a few seconds

Happy dance! My mug with free apron arrived.

Frown you held hands? That's disgusting, did you jizz yourself? That's the next stage.

Thigh just to clear things up for me, what is the arse issue? Not enough shitting or too much shitting? Or something else like an anal fissure or piles? I may have missed that and feel that if I knew I might be able to offer some wise words.

My problem for today is that the ants are getting out of control, they are all over the lemon tree and cat food. Any ideas other than hoovering and sweeping them.

I tried playing with them but they did everything wrong and broke the rules of all the games.

Ants are workers by nature. You must harness their work ethic and set them tasks.

Well when I talked to them about doing some tasks outside instead of in my house they ignored me.
Perhaps I need some toy cars to imprison them in. The cats just look at them and don't tell them to leave, they are so useless. One of them regularly brings me presents of pieces of Lego but won't catch anything else and won't talk to the ants about it being time to move on

Could you leave something tempting outside?

We must be coming up to the day when they all grow wings, fly about, and then tear them off

thigh I licked every digit before I released his hand. I'm a shy, polite whore.

HR were muttering something about arranging counselling for him...

Baby Dangly it is.

Her father is my husband. Controversial I know. But Ben Affleck insisted on using a condom, the prim bastard. Also my boss flat out refused to impregnate me. Said it was against policy and anyway what would his fiancee say. Just hand holding and pants jizzing so far. Can't say I get much out of it.

I endorse the rum cupboard fully as the official head wetting of Baby Dangly commences. I will join you in a few months.

@Gingernaut what an excellent matching set.

@TopiaryTractorTart Collect them into a Tupperware lined with sugar and watch?

ginger please tell me you are not into swigging zoflora? It will ruin your teeth!

That apart, it does remind me what a lovely name it is, and perfect for baby preggo!

So, preggo, how about Dangly Zoflora Margaret Brexit ? We can add to it if necessary!

frown you should probably write a book about asserting dominance in the workplace. You could call it "I've Got You Licked"

TTT Assert dominance, perhaps the ants will make you their queen? But don't lick them !

Ooh 'Baby Dangly"! I'm shivering in anticipation! Can't add to names but suggest we put cat amongst MN pigeons by suggesting Welsh or Gaelic names spelled out phonetically e.g Roisin spelt "Rosheen".

I've had enough. I don't know how our great Leader Thigh has the time away from her toilet to either fight off interlopers or invite good 'uns' in.

Today, a massive ship appeared on the horizon and is being piloted in. They won't take me alive.

Also attach pic of BastardCatv4.0" for Thigh's* pleasure. I know I've have no minor iterations but big fan of 'Big Bang' releases.

Ginger Wtf! What are you Mrs Hinch or something? That is fucking disgusting, I suggest you piss on both the apron and the mug and the floor immediately and then roll around in it to cleanse your mind of these wild ideas!

I've had a very trying day. Can I have a practice run at wetting baby dangly's head? I'm in the mood for rum, although MrsCat has not been too forthcoming with a map reference for where she ( and therefore the rum) is.

I too am curious as to the nature of Thigh's original arse problem.

Dog I usually keep a supply of rum down the toilet bowl you are welcome to some of my supply, I'll send you a very very long straw! We need to wet the Baby Dangly's head, indeed we do. Again and again and again (oh and then again when Preggo can join in of course).

I think Thigh's always had a ropey arse but it got considerably worse a few threads in.

I await the arse-cast every morning now!

I want an arse-cast like the shipping forecast. I know you listen to R4, Thigh, I’ve seen you playing Mornington Crescent. We can name the parts of your digestive system after the shipping areas. What’s happening in Cromarty? Playing Sailing By is optional.

Now we’re in business!

I’m glad you’re back, Dog, I was worried we’d have to go and look for you on the alcohol support board.

What's that you say this? There is an alcohol support board?

I wonder if they'll financially support my wine habit, I think I could do with upgrading my choices. I could get into 'fine wines' and do that thing where they smell it first and say shit like 'it's a fruity little number bursting full of blackberries, blueberries and violets, with just a dash of cocoa'

The arse cast is due on the one hand to my megalomania, I have an unshakeable belief that everyone wants to know.

On the other hand when I was three i did one white poo, if I'd known I would still be waiting for a repat occurrence half a century later I'd have had it preserved.

Do you remember dogs used to do white shits? Well so did I.

It's hyphenated Baybie-Dangly Sh'vawn Knut.

Ginger are you on glue? Why the Thigh have you paid money to advertise disinfectant? Riddle me that.

Cat you are definitely in America, staying with friends or family. Writing is in English and you are getting access to pets. I am exceptionally pleased that all your cats are now excellent dogs, bring them to me as an offering.

Is this an instruction?

TL you have spotted my playing Mornington Crescent and I have spotted Naked but I have never spotted you. Do you go incognito?

I’ve never perfected my Mornington Crescent persona so I just lurk on the sidelines, awed. I think it’s because I grew up listening to it as a child so I’ve never quite been able to shake the notion that it’s real and I don’t understand the rules.

Your ability to play MC and the revelation that to did a white poo have confirmed your royal status. Had you been eating dog poo? I miss white poos, they always looked drier than the brown kind.

You will find me on the Archers thread though, although I lack their dedication and if I miss a few weeks I find I slip out of being able to talk about it as though it really matters.

Ignore the Camino thing, they make you walk the whole way, one of my uncles did it and he also went to Lourdes, it’s that kind of gig.