Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello - this is the advice clinic, please come in. We are a team of untrained but experienced kindly Agony Aunts. There's no judgement here, even if you are a filthy, drunken old slag.

@thislido you are too right. Last night it did indeed capture my arm and shoulder and I thrashed around a bit trying to work out what the fuck had happened.

I am a bit folded. Is there a special sofa related trick to resolve that?

In light of its boa constrictor activities I should be glad it's not the full 12ft I guess. But the fact remains I paid for 12ft worth. I should demand a refund of 20% or whatever the difference is.

Preg I think you should go mad with them like this:

"I am a 12' pregnant woman, how did you expect me to settle with a pillow that is only 10' when it means 2' of me is hanging off the end of it?? I demand my consumer rights to a proper 12' pillow and a nice surprise to make amends, which had better be something I like or I am taking this to the media!

You have 48 hours to comply or I call the local rag!"

Preg go mad! Call the pillow police, buy a gun. It's the thin end of the wedge really, the Romans ignored the little things and look what happened to them.

@DanglyTassles Too right! My poor feet barely have any pillow to rest on!

@thigh Ah yes the Romans. What did the Romans ever do for us!

The pillow is on the floor now anyway. My toddler pissed on it. He is becoming increasingly feral. I fear the ladybird imprisonment episode only increased his sense of power and importance.

Yesterday there were 4 avocados in my house. That's peak avocado chez Preg. I felt intimidated to be honest. How many avocados are lurking in the rest of Thighland?

Best be on guard tonight Preg, last night was probably just its opening move.

I haven't got an advocate

*advocado of course!

I've got loads of advocates

This is what I don't have any of 🥑

Maybe you fired them all out of your fanny?

Vulvacado

Maybe but that is usually these 🏉

Could you take out Trump with an unripe avocado do you think?

It's a possibility!

We need a plan to distract his security and then I can go in for the kill with my lethal fanjo!

preg beware the snakepillow, it is lying on the floor next to working out whether it can swallow you.

Gather the Avo, they are your only ammunition. Hurl then and then pray......God speed fair friend.

• next to you

naked that aside, what is the likelihood of me being able to 'bend it like Beckham' with my unripe advocado?

DT you've had a great deal of practice, I think you could aim and fire. You're our cannon.

I was buying cake today and heard someone talking about "the President'. When the fuck did we start calling him that?

I would say you would have 95% accuracy (CI +/-1.5) at a distance of 3m.

Kill ' the president' with your fannypropulsion technology and unripe Avo. ( auto correct touchingly changed unripe unrepentant).

Actually with his propensity to grab women's genitalia, he could fire the unripe avacado at himself and you wouldn't be prosecuted at all.

Oh yes, how could I forget he's a fanny grabber. I mean who does that? Even Dubya was marginally better.

We have found our target and it's PFG president fanny grab.

Are we in agreement?

We wheel DT into position, ignite her with rum and crack and fire off a barrowload of unripe unrepentants at him.

I was in an Italian deli / shop / cafe today and I realised that my biggest dream would be to get locked in a shop and be forced to eat everything to survive.

Sometimes I think this about Boots and WHSmiths but there's not enough food.

WHSmiths does have fags and scratchcards though. They've also got crisps and chocolate.

A supermarket! My dream was too small! If I had an enormous supermarket I could do all the scratch cards, smoke fags, eat all the snax, read books, use the small appliances to make porridge.

Good for a weeks holiday I'd say. Where would I sleep? Maybe put bedding on the till conveyor belt. Could also play with the trolleys.