Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello - this is the advice clinic, please come in. We are a team of untrained but experienced kindly Agony Aunts. There's no judgement here, even if you are a filthy, drunken old slag.

Too busy chasing interlopers from my realm to return. I'm even ignoring the plaintive, siren like yowls of BastardCatv1.0. Come to think of it, has MrCat noticed I was kidnapped / reverse kidnapped?

Anyways, I'm very late to this Megalomania lark; you all had your episodes several threads back.

Think of my realm as a satellite of our wondrous nation. Too hot for slankets but pissy sarongs abound and introduced Fuckboys to our bow legged greeting in the advent of more Thighlanders joining us.

No visiting, mind.

My 12ft pregnancy pillow isn't actually 12ft long. More like 10ft. What should I do?!

Preg I think you should sew a normal pillow onto the end to make it longer!

Can we get back to murdering in Thigh's name or as tribute?

I can outsource from here. Just let me know jobs sorted.

Preg are you 12 foot tall? Or 6 foot if folded in half.

Cat I'd like to discuss murder with you, let's meet. I'll come to you if you give me directions.

Maybe I’m folded in half and that explains why I am so short and fat. Can someone unfold me? I can’t be arsed.

Reginald I believe in your case you got locked in position on one of your shagging sorties. You forgot to unfold yourself afterwards and then the wind changed.

Oh Great Thigh! I would be honoured to meet - we'll get around the 'no visiting' rule by meeting back to back, communicating via MN or using mirrors.

However, I'm north of Watford, can you venture that far without turning to dust / being incinerated?

Cat I've had my injections, I can travel. Most Londoners do not cross the River on principle, I traverse it without fear (lie, I'm afraid but I do it).

I suspect TL is stuck trembling north of the River. It's a phobia we develop.

Don't think I haven't noted that no one has asked after my bowels

I'm hurt, but I'll give an update anyway.

The porridge and berries regime continues. My bowels adjusted to this so I started to challenge them further. I've added a bowl of berries and yoghurt to my evening snax.

So far the situation is fluid and urgent, I feel like I should be a contestant on a Japanese game show.

To all those who have said I lack ambition or tenacity, look at me now.

I swear without a word of a lie that when I awoke in the middle of the night as I am prone to do, one of the thoughts wandering through my mind was 'We haven't had s bowel update in a while!'

So thank you for the latest Thigh , and what will you be adding next to further tax your innards?

@Preggosaurus9 you need to deploy spacial mysticism. That way it will always be 12ft and you'll have the trippiest pregnancy ever.

I'm touched DT I aim to be in your brain at all times. My bowel updates should be on a scrolling tickertape on your phone.

It would put my mind at rest Thigh . I hate to worry so.

Blimey Frownette, can we all do that to make things bigger?

Errr...Dangly...are we straying into perv territory??

What things aside from the mattress need to be bigger...?

Well sticky toffee pudding portions of course and have you not seen how few Monster Munch you get in a pack?

What did you think I meant?

It’s true, I reside north of the river. Sometimes I visit non-Thigh friends south of the river but generally I try and make them meet me somewhere else. I do consider the South Bank part of my domain though.

Preg is it one of those ones that winds round you? I wouldn’t complain too much, it might turn against you and go rogue, boa constrictor style.

Re your bowels, Thigh, have you tried copious amounts of orange juice? Also, can you shit on command after a fag? That’s always seemed like a special smoker skill to me, but your situation sounds less, demarcated, shall we say.

My realm was RAINED on today; I've taken umbrage and may have to return.

Perhaps it was the tears of our great leader?

Thigh have I made you cry? I didn't know you cared!

More likely BastardCat has cursed you.

Even more reasons why we're best friends TL the River divides us, close but never too close. I do drink orange juice sometimes it's true but more likely some concoction rip off smoothie type thing. I wonder if I should develop a relationship with prune juice, I've always enjoyed a prune or two. Re shitting on command after a fag, well there are times I have to smoke the fag in two sessions. Pre and post shit.

Cat yes, your abandoned cat has cursed you. You know the rules re going on holiday and you broke them.

DT I can't think of a single thing that isn't better when bigger. Cocks, cakes, coffees, puddings, portions, scones.

On the minus side ill put snakes and chickens. And frogs n toads, disgusting.

Also spiders, I remember you don't mind them so much, but I do not wish to see spiders amplified!

Spiders should be ensmalled not enlarged