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Original poster

How do I stop feeling disappointed about my DD?

277 replies

M3lon · 20/05/2019 15:42

There is no need to respond to this telling me I'm an arsehole...I know. I would like to stop being an arsehole before it does any damage to my poor child, who certainly deserves better than me for a parent.

The problem is that I'm just constantly disappointed with her progress at basically everything.

I definitely love her....though its taken a while due to PND and depression, to truly understand that. She is now nearly 8 yo.

But I feel disappointed all the time. Obviously I try to hide it - but I'm sure it leaks through.

Both me and DH are musical, sporty and academic and I just don't know how to feel positive about DD who seems to have no aptitude or interest in anything.

So any advice on how to stop being an arsehole would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
NameChangedNoImagination · 20/05/2019 15:45

Stop valuing people (self included) on their achievements in comparison to others. Your child will be getting this reinforcement that she is crap at things from everywhere else. She will need you to be her champion.

User10fuckingmillion · 20/05/2019 15:46

She’s 7 OP- there is time for aptitude and interests. These will develop. And obviously most people aren’t child prodigies and it really doesn’t matter.

mbosnz · 20/05/2019 15:47

Tell us her good qualities.

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horizontalis · 20/05/2019 15:47

You are expecting too much. My dd1 had (and still has) no interest or aptitude in the things that DH and I are good at and have a natural bent for. She has found several entirely different things that she's good at.

Your dd is her own person, and will not turn out like either of you Smile so just let her be herself instead of trying to see bits of her parents in her.

ChariotsofFish · 20/05/2019 15:47

She must have interest in something, even if it is things you think don’t count like Minecraft. Do you talk to her about stuff she likes?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 20/05/2019 15:48

Stop looking at her as an extension of you and your husband. What you are good at has no bearings on her. She's her own person with her own interests and qualities and dreams. Take an interest in that.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 20/05/2019 15:49

Of course she has aptitude for all sorts of things- she just might not have found them yet as she is seven!

What makes her a great kid in your eyes?
What is special about her?

SylvanianFrenemies · 20/05/2019 15:49

Are you sure the PND is fully resolved?

Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 15:49

That's a strong start.

I would very much like her to understand her own value - I certainly learned to value myself only by the badges and achievements I gain in life and its not been a good outcome at all.

I try to tell DD that if she is making progress and she is enjoying it then that matters more than marks, grades, results etc. But honestly I think it would help if I could properly believe it myself.

OP posts:
FiremanKing · 20/05/2019 15:49

We are all individuals. Our children inherit from each parent as well as having their own unique attributes.

PlasticPatty · 20/05/2019 15:50

Why not love her more, and more, because you can't (as yet) see any area in which she shines? She'll already be aware of that from school and from your attitude. Stop being disappointed... just give it up. Love her because that is what she needs - you to love her and find joy in her, as she is.

NameChangedNoImagination · 20/05/2019 15:51

An opportunity to work on your own self worth then OP, so you can teach her her inherent worth as a human, and realize yours too Flowers

Alwaysgrey · 20/05/2019 15:52

My kids are average. Well two have Sen. They’re not naturally talented in anything. None of them play an instrument, excel at school. At school they’re in the average/slightly below average bracket. They’re distinctly average but they’re amazing. Caring, warm, lovely kids.

Your dd is not you. Or your dh. I grew up under the weight of expectation. Being told by my mother that “you’re not the kind of dd I wanted”. Never feeling good enough. It was highly damaging. Love your dd for who she is. Not who you want her to be.

number1wang · 20/05/2019 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 15:53

I don't think she 'has to have aptitudes' though. I mean not everyone does.

What makes her great? She's mine...that makes her special to me. I honestly can't think of anything else.

what are her interests? Role playing with her toys....ninjago...watching nature programmes....but if I try to follow up on any of that then she loses interest immediately.

OP posts:
CarolsBiggestFan · 20/05/2019 15:54

You say she has no interest in anything, but she must be interested in some things? What are they? What does she spend her time doing after school and at weekends?

AlexaShutUp · 20/05/2019 15:54

I get it, OP. You are not a horrible person at all, but you do need to get a grip on this for the sake of your little girl.

What does she like to do when she isn't at school? What is she like with her friends? Tell us about her personality.

I think the key is to stop comparing her to yourself and your DH, and expecting her to be just like you, and to focus instead on discovering who she really is as an individual. I bet that she has some amazing qualities and talents, you just haven't seen them yet.

Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 15:55

Ahha - another nail on the head there. I judge her massively more harshly than anyone else.

Shit.

That's awful.

OP posts:
Tinytomato2 · 20/05/2019 15:55

I think perhaps you set high standards for yourself and this is reflected in the way you parent your child.

She's a person not a project and that means you have to learn to appreciate and value her for who she is not what she can do. Get a little notebook and every day write something in it for her - something she did to make you proud or that made you smile eg when she did something kind, overcame something difficult, something clever she said, how she helped you out etc etc. It will help you to change your mindset and see the good in her and she will get the boost she needs, because what you think of her really matters.

Your expectations are probably so high that they are stopping you from just enjoying your little girl. Her achievements are not a reflection on you but her self esteem and values very much are so that is where you need to focus your energies. I'm sure she will give you lots to be proud of if you see her for who she is not who you think she should be.

pattimayonnaise · 20/05/2019 15:55

This is sad to read. My daughter is the same age. What you have to understand is that your child isn't an extension of you. What you're good at it isn't necessarily what she will be good at.
I'm terrible at sports and I love to sing. My daughter is sporty and can clear a room with her singing voice. Your daughter perhaps hasn't found the thing she loves yet, or might not, but who cares?! Be very careful that your undeserved disappointment doesn't wear her down and ruin her confidence. It's not a requirement that you have to have a list of things you excel at. Being happy and comfortable with yourself as you are, is so much more valuable. Focus on that -don't take it away from her.

BitchPeas · 20/05/2019 15:55

Do you think she could lose interest because you are coming across too overbearing, with an expectation that this will be THE THING she excels at? That can be really intense for a child so she could be pulling back from you. She will be able to feel what you feel about her even if neither of you vocalise it.

Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 15:57

She isn't in school due to anxiety predominantly, but also some sensory issues.

My DH home educates her (so don't worry she's trapped with my awfulness 24/7) and he thinks she is brilliant - so we have to hope that will give her a fighting chance.

OP posts:
Innersmellbow · 20/05/2019 15:58

Part of growing up is realising your DC aren't who you want them to be and also that your parents aren't either.

DC are disappointing. Parents are disappointing.

We can only learn to accept disappointment. We're only disappointed if we have expectations in the first place.

It's also ok not to like your DC and/or you parents. That's perfectly normal.

Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 15:58

bitch I think that's very astute too. I'm so desperate for her to take an interest in something - anything I'm probably just killing the joy.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 20/05/2019 16:00

Would counselling help you op? Your gp may be able to refer you?

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