How do I stop feeling disappointed about my DD?

[M3lon]

There is no need to respond to this telling me I'm an arsehole...I know. I would like to stop being an arsehole before it does any damage to my poor child, who certainly deserves better than me for a parent.

The problem is that I'm just constantly disappointed with her progress at basically everything.

I definitely love her....though its taken a while due to PND and depression, to truly understand that. She is now nearly 8 yo.

But I feel disappointed all the time. Obviously I try to hide it - but I'm sure it leaks through.

Both me and DH are musical, sporty and academic and I just don't know how to feel positive about DD who seems to have no aptitude or interest in anything.

So any advice on how to stop being an arsehole would be greatly appreciated.

Does your DD have any friends to play with? Does she get to run around outside with children her own age and make lots of noise and laugh? My advice would be to send her to Cubs so that she can do things with her peers and I can assure you she won’t be judged or found wanting.

Is she kind? Is she generous? Is she a good friend to her little pals? Does she try her best? These are the things to focus on and build up in a child. Academics/sports etc aren’t everything, in fact they are very little. That you are sending out a good, decent, kind human into the world should be your focus and the traits that you build up in her.
If you focus on ‘achievements’ she will always like she falls short and her self- esteem will be crippled before she ever walks out the door to your house

I try to tell DD that if she is making progress and she is enjoying it then that matters more than marks, grades, results etc.

I’m interested in why you talk to her like this? Does she come seeking reassurance?
If not, I’d drop all conversion about progress and achievement, it won’t help her.
I don’t think I’ve ever talked to my kids like this, you don’t have to.

Try to meet her where she is instead of finding hoops for her to jump through.
I know it’s hard op, I have one academic achiever, and one who would rather chew his arm off rather than do anything but veg out. I worry for him, but I mainly try to accept him as he is.

Love is acceptance, the most loved I’ve ever felt was when I found someone who totally accepted me for who I am. It’s a very beautiful thing.

It’s hard to give that if you’ve e never received it though op. If that strikes a note with you you could give therapy a go.

I also don't think I ever spoke to my eight year old about marks grades and results either. You just don't.you focus on their needs.

I'm transferring my hopes to her because I feel I'm a total failure and she's all that's left.

This is not fair on her. Like i said she is her own person,with her own hopes and dreams which will change and develop. She's still little. All you need to do is work on making sure she is happy,loved,secure. That she plays and loves and discovers for herself who she is. She might be a marine biologist or she might be a plumber, as long as she's happy and following her path that's all that matters.

She's not your second chance love. Unless you realise and accept this,you're both in for a world of hurt. I speak from experience.

I agree about killing off her interests. the thing is YOU don't need to discover her interests, that is her business. I feel the pressure you are putting on her through your posts. Just love her, be there for her, accept her and get on with daily life. Let her blossom in her own time.

Okay, one: read battle hymn of the tiger mother. It’s actually about how a very pushy mother successfully pushed one very able child and then tried to repeat the process on her second - who rebelled completely and forced the author to examine her own attitudes about achievement and bits of paper. I loved it. I come from a ‘pushy mom’ culture, and therefore have really had to think about what really constitutes success. A happy confident adult with solid self esteem, a good bond with family and an appetite for life is pretty much THE goal as far as I can see it. And both my DH and I have cupboards full of trophies and scholarships. Some of them we didn’t get until our twenties and thirties!

I mean, maybe she’s destined to be the world’s greatest beekeeper and save the planet from obliteration via her beekeeping skills but this all happens when she’s 43. You know? You have NO insight into what she will excel at.

Two: what is going on that you feel that a daughter whose skills you feel so ambivalent about is your only hope to not be a failure? What is happening in the rest of your life? What was your childhood like, that you had the medals and gongs but no self-like? It sounds unbearably sad.

7/8 year olds just need to play and have fun and feel safe. They don't need to "excel" or "acheive"
She's been alive less than 8 years. I have tights older than that! Give her space to breathe.

I am a TA and witness pushy mums often. It is mostly mums that do this, not dads. It's makes me feel uncomfortable to see a child that is normally willing to take risks to try to answer something new or try a new skill, clam up because mum is standing over them with such high expectation. They shy away because they can't risk making a mistake. Often parents come in when we have open days and do the child's work, take over and make it correct, better in their minds. What message does that give out?

Kids aren’t stupid. They can pick up on how their parents feel about them. She probably does have interests but she might not feel comfortable talking to you about them. Have you asked your partner to see if he knows what she likes to do?

OP my DC are not anything like what I was, or what I was expecting. I found academic stuff easy, read from an early age, was always top of the class - and I was definitely brought up to see that as inherent to my value. And I was very musical, though not sporty.

I have one DC with dyslexia, another who has struggled with various things, they are not into learning instruments, they are used to being slightly behind when it comes to reading groups and class marks and achievements.

At first it took some getting used to as I thought I'd simply pass on my academic genes and have bookish, high-achieving kids. But I think they have really opened my eyes and taught me a lot, I don't mean that to sound so cheesy but my views have changed. They are amazing, unique funny, interesting people in so many ways and they have other values that educate me, and make me see that doing well academically is really not what it's all about.

AND as time goes on (they are older than your DD) their passions have started to emerge, and they are developing skills in the things they are really interested in.

I'd say take your DD on adventures, introduce her to as many interesting and fun things as you can, with no pressure. I don't just mean educational museums etc. - it can be anything, walks in the woods, camping, DIY, markets, cinema, boat trips, sewing, shopping, errands, just anything. With no pressure, just expose her to all sorts of stuff and also let her make suggestions for what she might like to do. Find things you like doing together, and ways you can spend time listening to her. Academically, support her but don't add pressure. If she doesn't like something, that's her valid view, and you can ask why and sympathise rather than trying to change her mind.

I do understand to an extent and I think you're doing the right think to ask for suggestions and to want to change

My ds has asd. He had no interests (except obsessions) and no aptitude for anything.

It's really hard when others talk about their own kids achievements - especially with the advent of SM.

However at 11 he joined a swimming club and it turns he's actually pretty good at it. Not amazing but good enough to compete low level and has now started to medal.

It's great seeing him have a passion for something.

So I'd say she has it there but she just hasn't found it yet. Until she does just be positive with her and offer her opportunities.

Omg please stop doing this my mum did this all the time and still does it from time to time.
At school whatever I got the first question she asked was "what did everyone else get". It ruined me in many ways because I never felt good enough. It's stopped a bit now I'm an adult (Maybe she's mellowed a bit). I have a BSc, 2 masters degrees, a PhD, a professional qualification and a very good job. She recently asked me how long it would be until I became professor. I figure I'll never be good enough lol! I also felt there was no value in doing anything apart from academic stuff as I was constantly seeking my mother's approval and the more social things weren't "serious" in her view.
So pleassssse don't put your child through this.

Thank you for all the comments - you've given me so many insights and ideas.

I am definitely lancelotties DH. If I see DD has done something I immediately give her hints to help her improve. I'm skipping the whole just accepting what she's done phase.

I've been doing a bit more thinking...and DD is BRAVE. She is really really brave. She faces so much day to day just to get out the house.

To be honest I think maybe her anxiety issues are masking any abilities she has. She is very reserved and won't really try at anything in case she fails...or just because she is scared to - I'm not sure. I think one of the reasons both DH and I can just basically do anything we have a go at, is that we throw ourselves at it with the assumption we'll be great (arrogant or what eh?). But that confidence is key to turning aptitude into ability.

DD won't be like us because her anxiety is undermining her confidence. I hope it is reasonable to help her battle her anxiety and build her confidence...not just so she can express her abilities, but just because her life will be better for it?

But then I sound like she's my project again don't I? It both is and isn't my job to try and fix this?!?

Home ed may make it difficult for your H (leading on the home ed) and you to get a sense of her educational attainment against the usual benchmarks for her age. Eg at school there are reports from the teacher etc.

ohyesiam

She tends to bring it up...so she'll complain that everyone at music is better than her...or everyone can read better than her...or everyone else can do a front somersault and she can't...

So I try and tell her that she's doing her own thing for her own reasons....and why does it matter what anyone else is up to? But inside I feel like just yelling 'if you actually tried to do what the teacher/DH/coach says rather than deciding its too hard before you try then you would be able to do all those things too!'

You sound like my DM who even now I’m a constant disappointment to. It has affected me greatly, if I did well at something she told me I could always do better. No praise, ever. Please don’t be like that. Your DD is her own person, not an extension of you and your DH.
Ask her what she’s interested in, what she would like to do as a hobby? Dance class, gymnastics, football, horse riding?
All would build her confidence and help with her anxiety as well as interaction with children her own age if she’s homeschooled.

I do think the lack of external feedback on her progress is making me very edgy and even panicky. But really that's the point. Why would it matter what all other 8 yos are up to? She's doing what she can when she can....

@DesperadoDan ditto my mum!!

desperado she's tried dance, trampolining, horse riding, athletics, ice skating, yoga...all at her suggestion...all at the once a week sort of level (horse riding was once every other week).

In every single case she has been okay at it...enjoyed it for a bit, then got annoyed that she doesn't progress as well as everyone in the class, then decided its all too stressful.

She's brave! Good one! Do you tell her that you see that, and admire it, giving specific examples?

What else? Is she kind to her family? To her friends? To her pets?

Is she strong?

Is she a good listener?

Or a good talker?

Is she good at taking turns?

Does she see when someone is sad or feeling left out, and try to make them feel better, or include them?

Is she accepting of other people?

Does she draw beautiful rainbows? Or make funny jokes?

See HER. Reflect the good things you see in her, back to her, through your eyes, heart and word.

She doesn't have to be a mini-rendition of you and DH to not be a disappointment, to be worthy.

Oooh - there's another thing - she's open to trying new things! That's awesome!

Have you made a start on tackling the root cause of her anxiety? Or have you considered that perhaps you are the one of the causes of it?

Does she like animals at all?.Many children enjoy a pet to look after,and dogs especially can be good for children with SEN.The walking him/her would be good for her, meeting other dogs /people with you or your husband.Sometimes we cannot help feeling "disappointed"in our child, if we have expectations of them they will be "like" us or share our interests. Everyone is different,even if you just share a TV show that you like its a start.

She's passionate about fairness. To the point that she will cry if she sees someone being left out or missing their turn. She still sometimes speaks about an unfairness that occurred to another child at her nursery when she was about 2 and half (her nursery career was short and extremely traumatic to her).

I don't know if this is actually an asset though. It certainly seems like a virtue but actually her complete intolerance of unfairness is a major stumbling block to her being able to thrive in a school environment....and at the end of the day the world is horribly horribly unfair....and you can't really afford to be inconsolable about it all the time.