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Original poster

How do I stop feeling disappointed about my DD?

277 replies

M3lon · 20/05/2019 15:42

There is no need to respond to this telling me I'm an arsehole...I know. I would like to stop being an arsehole before it does any damage to my poor child, who certainly deserves better than me for a parent.

The problem is that I'm just constantly disappointed with her progress at basically everything.

I definitely love her....though its taken a while due to PND and depression, to truly understand that. She is now nearly 8 yo.

But I feel disappointed all the time. Obviously I try to hide it - but I'm sure it leaks through.

Both me and DH are musical, sporty and academic and I just don't know how to feel positive about DD who seems to have no aptitude or interest in anything.

So any advice on how to stop being an arsehole would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Cantthinkofausername1990 · 20/05/2019 17:38

In every single case she has been okay at it...enjoyed it for a bit, then got annoyed that she doesn't progress as well as everyone in the class, then decided its all too stressful.

So she is also comparing herself to others and their progress, whereas if she focussed on her own progress and how far she has come along each week (even if only a little progress) then she would be more content.
I am going through this with ds so I'm saying this from my own experience, if you do focus on her own accomplishments and what improvements she has made in an activity without comparing to others, you will all start to feel a little more confident. And maybe confidence is all she needs

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 20/05/2019 17:38

Maybe she gives up because you're expecting too much of her she's used to you highlighting that she needs to progress more and therefore when she doesn't the easy option is to give up.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 20/05/2019 17:38

If I see DD has done something I immediately give her hints to help her improve. I'm skipping the whole just accepting what she's done phase.

This will be fuelling her anxiety. Because no matter how hard she tries there's always something that she didn't do or could've been better. For an anxious child that would be the feedback that sticks,no matter how much praise you give before.

And if in her eyes(and yours) she can't even get the easy things right, the things she might be ok at, why in the world would she attempt something she struggles with?

I'm good at many things, I suck at many others, the ones I suck at I mostly refuse to do unless in an environment I feel safe in.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Footle · 20/05/2019 17:39

OP , this must have been a difficult thread to start. You laid yourself wide open and got a lot of excellently thought-out replies. MN at its best.

Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 17:39

She does like animals....and in fact told me the other day that she would like to compile some sort of research on the different mechanisms of breathing of all animals. Unfortunately that sounded really interesting and fun to me....so now she wants nothing to do with it :(

OP posts:
SecretSquirreller · 20/05/2019 17:39

Hi OP, check out the writings by this lady about her daughter, beautiful www.handsfreemama.com/2015/05/19/change-the-child-or-change-your-world/

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 20/05/2019 17:41

I could be way off the mark here but is this actually more about judging yourself as an unsuccessful parent for not having produced a remarkable, high achieving child than it is about your daughter? You say you just throw yourself at things and assume they will just be great, but here you are throwing everything into your DC and she isn’t turning out the way you thought she would. It sounds as if she’s symbolising some sort of ‘failure’, something you are not used to experiencing.

I’ve attached a copy of the serenity prayer here. I think it could be really helpful for you to accept the lack of control you have over your DDs appitudes and personality.

How do I stop feeling disappointed about my DD?
Theworldisfullofgs · 20/05/2019 17:41

Achievement doesn't equal happiness. Happiness is about flourishing and just being.

My mum used to get her achievement through us - if we achieved, she achieved. We were purely a reflection.
It was hideous and has been hard to get past. Nothing was ever quite good enough. An A wasnt an A+. It made us miserable and made us resent her and I dont think any of us quite met our potential as the risk of failing was too great. Celebrate your daughter's bravery and just get interested in her. You've done the right thing realising you need to change your behaviour.

Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 17:41

footle I completely agree. If I am being brutally honest, I started the thread because I was disgusted with myself and thought I deserved a good thorough kicking.

I've not changed my mind on that, but I've been blown away by the insight and suggestions, and actually the compassion shown as well.

There's some tough talk on this thread...but it feels constructive.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 20/05/2019 17:42

Can you find some things she enjoys that she could do on a 1 to 1 basis? It might be trickier to find and more expensive,but then the focus would be just her and her progress with no one to compare herself with.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/05/2019 17:42

I think your main goal should be to get her back to school, just doing ordinary stuff with ordinary children. Possibly in a school that you and your equally driven DH feel is not driving her as hard as she needs to be driven.

Do you have much to lose here by just stepping back - all the way back, and letting her coast a bit with the other 8 year olds? Her achievements at this age don't matter at all. Her anxiety is the only thing you need to worry about, and I suggest you should be doing less, not more, to truly help her.

mummmy2017 · 20/05/2019 17:43

Stop trying to help her...
She needs to rise or fail because she does.
Tell her ok, let me know when you need me and BACK OFF...
You are becoming the problem.....

Mrsjayy · 20/05/2019 17:44

You can't live through her she is her own person what are you expecting from her ?

RidgedPerfection · 20/05/2019 17:47

Being both brave and passionate about fairness are wonderful qualities that you have identified in her.

A friend of mine is involved in a scheme that helps children with learning disabilities and sometimes simply those who need more confidence through interaction with horses; the children come and look after the horses, feed them, ride them or just spend some time with them. As she loves animals could you perhaps see if there's something similar in your area and approach them yourselves as DD is homeschooled? The change in children who struggle particularly with anxiety is apparently fantastic.

Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 17:48

Secret that is so so so interesting!

So much to think about right there. DD is very much an observer first doer second. If she could teach ME to do that we might both be happier....

OP posts:
SusieOwl4 · 20/05/2019 17:49

My grandson suffers with anxiety due to a medical problem but the school are really helping him work through it . He is only 5 . Are you sure she can not cope with mainstream school ? Also you can see what you are doing by pushing harder each time so can you consciously just praise what she does and then back off ? Enjoy days out for what they are without trying to educate all the time . Just relax a bit . She is still very young .

Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 17:52

1 to 1 lessons would indeed be good - but she doesn't have the confidence to engage without either friends or parents there (yet!).

OP posts:
Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 17:58

So the praising thing.

I used to just be 'wow that's great' about things she did. But she started to dislike that and started to say 'you're lying' or 'its rubbish...I'm rubbish'.

Then I read a parenting book, and discovered the idea that simply praising is not so helpful...that its better to highlight the good and the bad aspects....so that is what I tried to do from that point onwards...

I say things like 'I love the way you did the detail on the flower, and your face drawing has really improved! Did the eyebrows come out the way you intended?'

But she tends to take all of that as criticism too.

So I feel a bit like while there may be a way to interact positively with her about things she has done, neither of the two ways I have tried seems to work.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 20/05/2019 17:59

Do you think you can find things with no win at the end....

That you can just do together....
Someone said nail bar.
Hair dressers wash and cut and style...
Clothes shopping...
Walk in the woods, or on the beach ..
Make her feel good about herself...

Original poster
M3lon · 20/05/2019 18:02

we could spend more time gardening...it more of a lose lose than a win win...but it would give her a chance to show me how to slow down and look at the world...

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 20/05/2019 18:05

You could buy some sweet peas ..
And sunflowers are available to plant.. .

Mrsjayy · 20/05/2019 18:07

If you home educate her can her dad do zoo days with her or a wildlife walk if nature programmes is her thing. if she has anxiety then she won't be able to focus on a passion for fear of getting it wrong.

Mrsjayy · 20/05/2019 18:10

Some kidsare hypersensitive they can't cope with attention being put on them it causes them discomfort so if she does a drawing say that is a nice colour or it looks a happy picture so you are taking the focus off her iyswim.

mbosnz · 20/05/2019 18:14

I don't mean this rudely, so please forgive me if it comes out this way.

You do sound pretty critical. As in, if you recognise a positive, it seems to come with a 'but' at the end, or a sting in the tail. It's possible that this is how it's coming across to your daughter that way too? So that if you are praising her, she is suspicious of it, and waiting for the backhander?

Is that possible?

IronManisnotDead · 20/05/2019 18:17

Your poor DD is never going to ever be good enough is she OP? She will never grow up doing what she would like to do because she will be under so much pressure trying to please you. Poor kid.Confused