How do I stop feeling disappointed about my DD?

[M3lon]

There is no need to respond to this telling me I'm an arsehole...I know. I would like to stop being an arsehole before it does any damage to my poor child, who certainly deserves better than me for a parent.

The problem is that I'm just constantly disappointed with her progress at basically everything.

I definitely love her....though its taken a while due to PND and depression, to truly understand that. She is now nearly 8 yo.

But I feel disappointed all the time. Obviously I try to hide it - but I'm sure it leaks through.

Both me and DH are musical, sporty and academic and I just don't know how to feel positive about DD who seems to have no aptitude or interest in anything.

So any advice on how to stop being an arsehole would be greatly appreciated.

OP, my daughter will soon turn 8..
I go through somewhat similar things, when I try to take initial interests (nature documentaries for example as you have said) a little bit further...
While I won't say, disappointed, I have often wondered..Isn't there anything that she really wants to learn more about ??!!
I am still learning (after much reading, introspection, talking to the class teacher etc) to be more understanding and accepting of her interests!

I would say this (from experience),
kids pick up on a lot of our gestures, body language, non-verbal communication.
Tell yourself that she will turn out fine and your parental responsibility is not her academic (or other) achievements, but her health and happiness. Tell yourself that as a mantra everyday!

OP what was your childhood like and how were your parents towards you?

I too would suggest you look at having more therapy, psychotherapy if possible rather than just counselling

Your DH home schools her so they spend a lot of time together. Is that an issue for you?

Do you spend a lot of time with her? What about time just the two ofyou?

I wonder if you could somehow get a grasp of how she experiences the world, you may then become aware of her mighty achievements. I kept receiving complaints from teachers about poor quality work from my son & tried loads of things from private tuition to rewards based on improvement. I am sorry to say a couple of years later he was diagnosed with numerous processing difficulties. On one course aimed at parents I had to do a drawing in the way that his brain would tackle it and it was impossible. I just wept. The courage and persistence he had shown throughout his whole young life ... If you can take away your own perspective, or reduce it, and just learn from her you could find you may find her to be an amazing teacher. It's really important she has some carefree time to explore - maybe you too?

Kids feel the pressure so easily. So if she shows the slightest interest in something and you jump on it, she'll back off. I have fucked up my DD's hobbies like this and learnt the hard way. Now I just back off. And be enthusiastic and non-critical about all hobbies. Absolutely no criticism. Just enthusiasm.

My DS has found primary school dull and boring at the best of times. I am really hoping that moving to secondary school will open up a whole new world of interests.

P.S. seems to have been an exercise in shoving as much English and maths info into their tiny brains with the odd nod to a topic which the teachers unfortunately have no enthusiasm for and seem to regard as an unwelcome distraction from the real work

Fingers crossed for some good teachers who will Instill a bit of Joy and interest in their subjects !

OP where is she supposed to get her badges and trophies from if she is being home educated? How can you even compare her if you can't measure how well she is doing to others her age if that is important to you?

It is very concerning that she can't be in school because of anxiety at her age, and you must be worried about her, however could your feelings being making her worse?

You sound like a very competitive, outward going person you need to take this passion into some sports/hobbies of your own so you are no longer shining a light constantly on dd and what she can or can't do.

Secondary you do actually need more help with this, you may feel you are over it, but you are not. Proper professional support, so you are not tackling this huge issue all by yourself.

You sound incredibly intelligent and self aware, you can iron this out, but you need to move quickly. Children do pick up on everything, and you will be sending messages through no verbal communication even if you are careful.

Spend time holding your dd, stroking her hair, being really with her in a huge bear hug, start there to reconnect with her and keep going.

It is great that you're thinking of ways in which to address your feelings. My mum and I had a talk last year (I am early 40s) when she confessed that she had been disappointed from the moment I had been born as I was just not what she had imagined - she had been trying for many years for a baby and had had multiple miscarriages prior to my birth. She had imagined a blonde (I am dark), vivacious (I am a "thinker"), social butterfly (I have a small, valued group of friends) who was above all creative (I am sporty and academic). She does love me very much but has always said that she finds it hard to like me. Although I can respect her opinion and I never wanted for anything growing up I have always been aware that I am not quite the person that she had wanted me to be which is a little sad. The communication that we have had over any important issues to me has always been pretty much zero, even from early childhood, however as I suspect I could sense the barriers from a fairly young age.

Luckily for my mother my sister came along a few years later and turned out to be blonde, loud, sociable, artistic etc so she did get the child she had imagined as well as me in the end!

You need to just let her "be"

Her character and personality will develop considerably over the next few years

Observe her and wonder at her. No judgements, no comparisons - just see her. Really see her, and you will appreciate her

DS has spent his entire 15 years actively being either completely disinterested or crap at anything I enjoyed

In the beginning it was hard and I felt a lot like you, though I think perhaps more frustrated that we didn't have that shared love of an activity. I had pictured his childhood as endless hours spent together as I imparted my wisdom to him and watched him flourish

Now he's found his own way, is a fairly talented musician (I haven't a musical bone in my body) and has several deep and passionate interests that I have never even considered. I've learnt loads from him and he's more amenable to listening to my interests as well now.

Try not to compare her to other children, or how you were at her age. Look at the achievements and improvements she has made compared to how she was a month ago or a year ago.
I'm saying this because I took my ds to a football blitz on Saturday and compared to other players, yes he is still poor.. but compared to how he was 3 months ago, he has hugely improved and I'm so proud of him for that, even if he is still not and never will be as good as some of the others.
If you want to elaborate on her interests, then sit with her and observe and listen. Let her take the lead at first and go with her ideas.

All I want for my children is for them to be happy, your daughter is 8 not 15 chill a bit

OP, your post resonates with me a lot.
My son is 10 and is a lot how you describe your DD. He tries lots of new things, but he isn't passionate about anything. He'd rather just play etc. School wise too isn't an academic either, its been a real long hard slog.

You're not a horrible person at all. But like others have said and what I focus on myself is that they are their own people. My husband the voice of reason with any of my worries will remind me he is still only young, and he may just not find that 'thing' he loves. Some people dont.
I try to focus on the positives. I do think social media has a lot of impact on how we view ourselves and our children, as I know for me, 'man of the match' and gymnastic competitions etc fill my feed on a weekly basis. It is SO easy to bog yourself down and compare. Especially if you yourself were like that growing up.
Try to think of the deep reason why it bothers you. If you can resolve that you may find it easier to focus on the positives.

I have really had to teach myself not to do this with my youngest. He is not academic, he is not musical, he is not artistic, he is not interested in animals and not in the outdoors. But now that he is grown up I see him for what he is: a fine human being, a kind lad, a loyal friend, someone who will step in and help - but who will never be going for any societal awards. I couldn't be prouder of him.

He has two interests which I have never been able to wreck- football and weight lifting. I am very glad I haven't. He was never even picked to be in a school football team, but as a young adult he has fun playing five a side with his mates every week. That's fine.

But exaggerating his successes (even referencing the difficulties I know he did have) only made him anxious. He doesn't need outstanding successes at anything at all, he doesn't need me to try to invent things he can be outstandingly successful at: he needs to be allowed to plod on through life at his own pace. And if I'm proud (did I mention that I'm proud!!!) that's incidental.

There's so much in here that I could write an essay but I think you could do with help to understand that parenting is about guiding them to be the best person they can be rather than what you never achieved. School I know isn't easy for anxious kids but I really think she would benefit from being in an environment where children are all different and she can be exposed to this variety - I've met lots of homeschooled kids and so often they being pushed down certain paths by over achieving parents, their parents think they are doing the best for their child but pushing them to play instruments and do sports at the expense of a childhood isn't good. Now I think family counselling really would work, please let her me her, don't live through your kid

She's so young, and it seems to me you are struggling with so many issues yourself..PND not totally resolved, your own sense of worth based of external achievements... start by being kinder to yourself.

FWIW I had no 1 child... very bright, very bubby, high flyer.. knew she wanted to be a doctor from aged 4 (and is now a doctor) No 3 was bright, and so empathetic and caring.. went onto be a nurse.
No 2 had no interests as a child, utterly average at school and was quite difficult as well. Then, in his early teens he dicovered his passion.
He's still not a high flyer.. works as a TA in special needs as I do. DIdn't go to University like his sisters, but his passion is music.. he sings he plays, he writes, he has a good local following at his gigs. It just took time for him to find out what made him tick, and I couldn't be prouder of him.
And both his sisters are very proud and a bit envious of his voice!

And no 4 has special needs, never passed an exam, will always need caring for... not the child I imagined at all. But he also has found his way to the best of his abilities... he even has a little job, and everyone where we live knows him for his happy smile and friendly manner.

Every child has something so so worthy, and it is unique to them. Just let your little girl BE, becoming is a slow process!

What are these results and awards you are expecting her to have achieved? I’m mystified. If she’s not in school it can’t be school based. Brownie badges? Ballet exams? She’s still young for even things like this.

OP you last post is so perceptive. Please don;t make her into your project, or put the pressure on her to succeed in your place.

You absolutely must make some plans to pick one or two things (maybe one hobby and one work project) that you need to work at, maybe fail at, and keep on at until you succeed. Once you are allowing yourself to fulfil your own dreams, you'll allow her to be herself. It's quite narcissistic to assume our children will want what we want or respond to things we responded to. I remember thinking drama club would 'cure' DS2's shyness because it 'cured' mine and I adored it. he hated it and I really couldn't understand why until I finally realised with shame it was simple: he isn't me. His needs and obstacles and likes and desires and ways of showing them or acting on them are entirely different from mine.

Just let her be. Make a new project for yourself to be the best mother you can be for her by laying off her. By just hugging her, playing with her, giving her opportunities without pushing any of them, making sure she has great down time, with friends over for tea or mucking around in the park. Backtrack on turning anything into a 'learning opportunity.' If play frisbee, just play frisbee, don't make it a hand-to-eye co-ordination test. She's backing off from things because instinctively she's picking up on the fact that you are judging her, or needing her to take things to another level.

Just let her be. She will find her way in life far more easily with a mother who loves her for who she is not what she does.

I felt like this with my 6 year old until recently - he just wasn’t being a kid ‘right’ (ie doing the things I remember liking as a kid 🤦‍♀️). I think I was doing the same as you with the trying to build on any interest and ruining it for them. I’ve toned it down now though, when he’s interested in something I ask him about it, but only in a ‘that looks cool, what is it’ way, rather than a ‘wow that’s amazing, why don’t we build a giant zoo out of paper mache and group the animals according to families and dietary preferences’ way just because he said he liked giraffes. He’s more likely to come to me with what he’s interested in now as well, and he likes that we share what he likes. I pretend not to know a lot about some things so we can ‘learn’ together, and he loves teaching me. I also share what I’m interested in with him, which I think makes him feel like I enjoy his company and value his opinions - I don’t force it on him but if I’m watching the news or whatever I might ask if he saw something interesting and rewind it so he can see, or we’ll talk about what book I’m reading.

Sorry this is bound to be really rambling, but it took me a long time to not try and expand on any interest he shows and just to go with what he’s interested in at that moment and drop it when he’s had enough.

I think Pinterest and Facebook etc has a lot to answer for here too, everything has to be picture perfect as educational, it’s not good enough to just have a chat about the dinosaurs, you have to build and paint a life sized diplodocus before playing lots of educational dinosaur games so he knows everything there is to know!

DH and I struggled like this a bit with DS1. He has ASD and learning difficulties and we couldn’t get used to the idea that he wouldn’t be like either of us (me very academic, him very sporty). Over the years, we learned to value him for his own personality and his own progress. So, we were told he would probably never speak properly, he would never read, he would never get a job. He has done all of those things and has struggled bravely to overcome his issues.

He is also kind, thoughtful, helpful and has amazing insight and good manners. We tell him everyday that we appreciate those positive parts of his personality and how proud we are about his progress. We never compare him to his younger brother (who is academic and sporty).

If you try to think of something positive about her every day and tell her about it and how proud of her you are, I am sure that she will blossom forth. Please let us know how you get on.

Oh, and do the same for yourself! Look in the mirror each day and tell yourself something positive - that works too.

Your first and foremost measure of "success" in life in my opinion should be happiness - for you and your partner/children. Not money/pay, not grades, not job type and title.

When you comment that everything else is shit in your life why is that? Are you working an average joe job but think you should have a glittering career? Do you have a high achieving job but it is too stressful? I went to uni and have BA and MSc - I could probably have a better paid (and more stressful job) but being a carer, working nights and being there for my kids is more important to me. I feel it gives me a good quality of life. You need to decide what will give you a better quality of life and do it regardless of judgement of what you "should be doing".

Could your daughter be bored or demotivated being homeschooled. (i don't doubt your hubby is doing his best but it can't possibly be as varied as school). Would a special school suit her needs? Is there a homeschooling network that you could be part of?

Has your husband had to give up work to homeschool your daughter leaving you carrying the household finances alone - is that why you feel that life is shit?

My primary goal for my son is happiness (think of older 9 year old - little one still just bumbles through life at the mo!) I can swear I would rather he was a happy checkout assistant/carer/cleaner whatever than an unhappy professor/doctor whatever. I want him to do his best so he has choice in life but if he chooses a job rather than a career as it suits his temperament and home life then I support him 100%. Anyone that judges him because of his job can go to hell.

I really think some more therapy would help here.

When you think about the people you like best in the world- family members, friends, your partner- what do you like about them? Do you like them because they’re talented at sports or their careers? Or do you like them because they’re funny, kind, they always make you feel supported, they tell good stories, they’re thoughtful? Can you look for those qualities in your daughter?

The sensory issues have resulted in the home schooling - is that right? If stimulation distresses her, perhaps as a sensory/sensitive child her overriding need is calm predictability not a busy schedule of activities or even being in the spotlight for any one activity. Her "lack of interest" might actually be her managing her environment in a way that makes her feel most secure.

Mines a reverse, I had no talent, aptitude or interest as a child/teen. My DD on the other hand was always doing stuff, excelled at school, joined lots of clubs, now has two degrees and a fantastic career. My point is let her be herself, my DD and I are both happy with our lives as adults

You can't live through your child op. She's not you. There is already concerns here if she's having to be home educated because of anxiety and other issues.

She needs to be her own person. Whomever that is. And your job is to love and support her to be anything she wants to be. At worst you should be concerned, but never disappointed in a little girl this age.

Maybe start again with the counselling to help you manage your way through .