How do I stop feeling disappointed about my DD?

[M3lon]

There is no need to respond to this telling me I'm an arsehole...I know. I would like to stop being an arsehole before it does any damage to my poor child, who certainly deserves better than me for a parent.

The problem is that I'm just constantly disappointed with her progress at basically everything.

I definitely love her....though its taken a while due to PND and depression, to truly understand that. She is now nearly 8 yo.

But I feel disappointed all the time. Obviously I try to hide it - but I'm sure it leaks through.

Both me and DH are musical, sporty and academic and I just don't know how to feel positive about DD who seems to have no aptitude or interest in anything.

So any advice on how to stop being an arsehole would be greatly appreciated.

I can just imagine her sitting there quite happily and you coming along and making a big project out of it. She will feel your disappointment so vividly when she doesn't respond how you want her to. Good for her, as so many children in that position end up as people-pleasers and never feel good enough.

I'm a smart arse and my elder child is beautifully average academically on a good day and it was frustrating to me for a few years as I just expected he to be a mini me! But he's in secondary school now (with an ADHD assessment pending) and I see his lovely funny personality shine through and I consider his abilities to be friendly, resilient and confident to be blessings! The ADHD might be at the root of his lack of concentration and that's certainly something to keep an eye on with your DD.

My second child is much more sporty/more academic but struggles with friendships etc... so there's no magic combination for "success".

You know you're being unfair so that's the first step. If she likes pottering with a bit of lego or watching telly share those interests. Join in with the lego and see what's really going on in her world. Listen. Getting to really know these people we made is a lifes work!

Maybe you are looking for her qualities to announce themselves in some obvious way? But everyday things can be qualities too. From her interests, it sounds like she knows her own mind, doesn't just follow the crowd? There's something special. She's imaginative. There's something else.

Buy her a notebook, a pair of binoculars, a ninjago book or a birdhouse, show her you value and notice the things that are important to her.

Have you considered psychotherapy for your issues around achievement etc? If you were more settled in your own skin it would help your relationship with your daughter.

Its taken me years of counselling to get to point where I can feel the love I have for her. In my stupid brain that means there is no point getting more counselling - back in the rational world, counselling has helped a butt load and may yet do much more for me.

Somebody said down thread that she shouldn't be my 'project'. I think this is very true...and I think she has become that because I feel so shit about everything else in my life. I'm transferring my hopes to her because I feel I'm a total failure and she's all that's left.

You can't think of anything that makes her great? Is she funny, kind, generous? All great attributes. You don't have to be talented or even determined to be a great person? My kids are teens now and starting to find what interests them. Lots of kids don't find hobbies when they are young. Work on yourself a bit more. You sound very insecure. Who are you comparing her to?

Hi.

Perhaps you could just keep bouncing her around different activities until something sticks..? It might take years.

I remember doing this with my kids when it became obvious that weren't interested in the things I liked. Mine tried golf, horse riding, chess clubs, nature groups, cookery clubs, went on PGL holidays, gymnastics, rugby, etc.

They eventually settled into their own thing when they were teenagers, but still remember and laugh about all the other stuff - some were more successful that others

She may not have a lot of interests because she isn't accessing the social side of school. Does she have opportunities to make friends?

She is 7 - she may not even have tried her ‘thing’ yet .

OP how were you at 8 year old? At this age it is great she has a lot of interests. I also judge my son harshly then stop, breathe and remind myself he is only 8.

is it like pp suggests she shows an interest and then you make such a big deal of it or make a big project or something shes overwhelmed and suddenly feels out of depth out of her comfort zone. so she shrinks away? Youre projecting "you" onto her?

could the anxiety be related to how you are about your feelings etc? its just all too much for her?

maybe she realises she just can`t measure up or please you? so gives up?

can you not just take an interest and not push her? I can feel your projecting a mile off!!

I find my DH does this a little bit, he gets disappointed that DS is not really sporty as DH was and spent all his spare time as a child either doing sport or studying, he really wanted to be the best at everything and can’t understand why DS and DD don’t. I was very different to him growing up, I wasn’t musical or sporty, I am averagely academic but didn’t really have a passion for anything in particular as a child. As adults my DH is far more anxious than me and much more of a perfectionist. His DM put a lot of pressure on him growing up to be the best, whereas my parents were a lot more relaxed and I feel it’s made me a lot more confident adult as I was always allowed to be myself and was never compared to anyone else. She’s still very young, her interests will develop. As long as she is happy and loved that’s all that really matters. Just accept her for who she is as her own unique self

If you feel shit about everything else then those are the things you need to change.

OP I think you still need help for yourself?

your DD is picking up on all of this and its affecting her?

Do you know many other seven year olds OP? My DH used to judge our kids quite a lot as being naughty and messy - but when other children came round or we were out with other children he came to realise that ours were on the better behaved side of normal. But then again maybe that comparison process is what you want to get away from.

I can strongly recommend this book:

www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children/dp/0241250994?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It’s currently £7 in Tesco. I’m finding it very thought provoking and I can already see some things I’d like to do differently from reading it.

Why don't you have a nice day out with her to a petting farm or something if she likes animals. Just enjoy each other's company for a while without any pressure of being the perfect parent or child.

Use her as an excuse to go and do whatever your guilty pleasure is.

So take her out to get your nails done together, or go for trip to the seaside or trawling vintage shops or play MarioKart or Pokemon Go. Whatever you'd feel a bit silly doing on your own.

It might not take - or it might grow to be a shared interest - and she could become the 'best person ever' to being your sidekick.

And YY to getting her assessed for ASD. The reduced visible emotional reciprocation from some autistic kids can take a toll on parents, who read it as a lack of bond. Once you understand 'their language' it becomes more fun.

If she shows an interest in something, let it just be an interest. Don't try to develop it. Hold right back and let her drive it if she wants to.

It's like children who get anxious about food. They often find it hard to try something new because of the parent's reaction and fear that, if they don't like it, they will be letting the parent down. It's easier just not to go there in the first place.

but if I try to follow up on any of that then she loses interest immediately

Yep, DH does that and it's always killed the interest immediately for DD.

She is quite articulate now (mid teens) and says he was never cntent just to enjoy something with her. He always had to know more about it than she did and try to improve her -- swimming, art, music, whatever.

DH was a competitive swimmer. I'm crap. Guess who DD prefers to swim with and beat hollow?

Do stuff alongside her. Video games, if you can't think of anything else she does better than you. Let her be the expert one.

Really bad crochet was another thing DD and I bonded over. We were meant to be making flowers - hers looked like a nose cosy, mine like a bonkers map of the UK.

Oh, just read her later message. Sweetheart, you are depressed, not crap. You are still going, and still looking for advice. That's sometimes all we can do.

She’s only 7 op, at that age my ds was happy kicking a ball about with his friends.
Does she have any friends at all that she can just play with without it having to be “ something “. Just playing for fun
I feel a bit sorry for kids getting carted about between clubs and groups just because their parents want them too

Start making a list of all the good things your child does.
Your not allowed to put anything bad on it...
Said she loved you.
Gave you a hug.
Made you a picture.
Told you a joke..
The more you look at her good points the easier to find them.

It's trite but the phrase 'love the child you've got not the one you wanted' helped me when mine were small and not shining at school. And stay away from the competitive school mums and the extrovert 'showbiz' kids. I think it does bring back your own playground feelings

I always did pretty well academically but my mother just expected it because she was also clever. Because it came easy to me I never really bothered learning to study properly and was a pretty lazy learner. After about a decade out of education I went back to a degree in which the grades required would be nearer to a C average whereas mine would be A-B. It also involves a hell of a lot of hard work and I have slogged every minute, pushing myself to excel in exams and finally getting some confidence in myself. My mum tells me everytime that I mention my degree that I'm over qualified for it and that's why my grades have been good. Which of course makes me feel pretty crappy about everything I've worked for the past 3 years.

My MIL's children weren't particularly gifted academically but she gives them so much encouragement in everything they do. Even appraisals and work based learning. She tells everyone when I get an A at uni, shes so proud of her family for working hard at whatever they have chosen.

Who do you think we spend more time with?
Your daughter needs her mother to love the daughter she has, not the daughter she wants. You are in real danger of putting life long barriers in place.

it's easy to transfer your hopes on your child, lots of parents do this.

I keep getting away imagining amazing futures for DC, before I sternly remind myself that they do not exist to please me or to fulfil my ambitions for them.

She is only 8, plenty of time to find her interests.

Back off and start some ambitions for yourself ;)