How do I stop feeling disappointed about my DD?

[M3lon]

There is no need to respond to this telling me I'm an arsehole...I know. I would like to stop being an arsehole before it does any damage to my poor child, who certainly deserves better than me for a parent.

The problem is that I'm just constantly disappointed with her progress at basically everything.

I definitely love her....though its taken a while due to PND and depression, to truly understand that. She is now nearly 8 yo.

But I feel disappointed all the time. Obviously I try to hide it - but I'm sure it leaks through.

Both me and DH are musical, sporty and academic and I just don't know how to feel positive about DD who seems to have no aptitude or interest in anything.

So any advice on how to stop being an arsehole would be greatly appreciated.

Next time she draws a nice picture, don't say anything other than it is a lovely picture. Put it on the wall downstairs (or in pride of place on the fridge door). Somewhere prominent, and leave it up.

Stop any comparisons or discussions about any kind of achievement - she is judging herself and finding herself wanting.

If you go clothes shopping, ask her advice about whether things suit you. She needs to know that you value her opinion. Give her complete free choice about what to wear. Don't lead, follow.

But inside I feel like just yelling 'if you actually tried to do what the teacher/DH/coach says rather than deciding its too hard before you try then you would be able to do all those things too!'

Have you ever considered she may not process the instructions in the same way that the other kids do? Have you ever considered she may be listening intently, but somewhere along the line she cannot do the activity the same way the other kids do and that's not her fault

When she's reached that point, knowing that despite trying her hardest her results aren't the same as the other kids', she'll look at herself and look at the others and see she's not achieving what they are despite making her best effort.

The 'you could do it if you tried harder' approach is something you really need to rein in, because she may actually be trying her hardest right now and not getting similar results to her peers.

She may have a low processing speed, she may not actually understand the instructions or not be able to interpret them. She may understand and be able to interpret, but need a lot more time to do so or have the instructions broken down into smaller parts.

I'd strongly recommend that you pursue a comprehensive multi-disciplinary assessment for her to determine her strengths and weaknesses so that you can understand her better.

Once she understands that being herself is okay and there are reasons she doesn't get the same results as her peers despite her trying as hard as she can, , then she should be more confident in herself and some of her anxiety around that should lessen.

Do you comd over to enthusiastic and say right Dd lets do this ? It might look like you are taking over

When she voices worries about not being as good as others are at things like music etc can you give her a cuddle and say yes maybe they can play piano a little bit better but I don't know anyone as brave as you etc

Try to tell her something specific to her that you love each day - if she says something funny give her a hug and say thank you for making you laugh, if she does something clever tell her she's a clever girl but don't put pressure on her to then expand on the topic etc.

Reality is OP not every kid has a special talent or ability. But every kid should have the chance to feel safe and loved and valued - and it sounds like you want her to be which is great.

Battling PND and its after effects do last so long, it must feel totally overwhelming to not feel the way you think you "should" as a mum. I know others have suggested it too but maybe it would help for you to have some counselling again to focus on changing how you see the girl she is, rather than how to make her the girl you want her to be.

Sorry you're struggling

Tbh OP you and your DH seem to be the route of her anxiety, because when she does get enthusiastic about something, you come along and kill her passion, and at 7 years old your DD knows it.

She would flourish in school mixing with other children, gaining her own social skill set, confidence, interests, away from you who constantly drains her confidence away.

Your OP raises so many issues for me. I hope you do not cause any more damage to your DD than you already have.

Some kidsare hypersensitive they can't cope with attention being put on them it causes them discomfort

This. Which is the problem with the approach you mentioned, OP:

I used to just be 'wow that's great' about things she did. But she started to dislike that and started to say 'you're lying' or 'its rubbish...I'm rubbish'. Then I read a parenting book, and discovered the idea that simply praising is not so helpful...that its better to highlight the good and the bad aspects....so that is what I tried to do from that point onwards... I say things like 'I love the way you did the detail on the flower, and your face drawing has really improved! Did the eyebrows come out the way you intended?

Either way you are giving her the message that you are evaluating her work. The second approach shows her that you are trying to manage it. She is not coping with that. A very light-touch "that's lovely" is probably as far as you should go. She needs to learn to do things for fun, not just to get them right.

If she’s got anxiety I guess she’s not keen on too much attention - what about when she’s colouring/drawing/making something go and ask her if you can join in, but do it alongside her, so colour a different picture, make a different bracelet or whatever and just occasionally look at hers and give a little compliment, nothing too dramatic ‘that’s the most wonderful picture I’ve ever seen’ but maybe just ‘oh I like the shade of blue you’ve used on that flower’ and carry on with yours. Maybe ask her advice occasionally (how do you think I should make the flower look?), I find it really builds my son’s confidence if he can give me advice.

Your point about vague generic compliments and her not believing them, I’ve read something similar about not just saying that’s good for everything, but you don’t need to add a criticism on the end. Just a specific compliment, then she’s more likely to believe you and appreciate what she’s done

She's obviously picked up on the 'expectation' that goes hand in hand with your efforts at positive interaction and I know you realise that now but you need to also realise that it won't change overnight just like it didn't happen overnight.

I'd suggest trying not to be so conscious of I must be positive. Easier said than done I know but she'll pick up on it. A bit like when you know senior management have been told to boost morale!

Take the pressure off and just spend time with her doing not particularly important things, things that don't have a win/lose or right/wrong end point in her mind. So maybe you suggest a lazy afternoon of dvd and popcorn. Bake some fairy cakes (better if you're not particularly good at baking) just for fun, no big fuss over measuring or how messy the kitchen might get. Basically just spend time with her where she's free to be herself, chatting about nothing major.

Does she ever hear you talk about anything you're not good at or a bit meh about? I don't mean anything that could be worrying to a child but things like "urgh I'm not looking forward to my work meeting tomorrow as the project is running over". Just so she gets that you're not actually 100% perfect and confident about everything you do. BUT be careful not to turn it into a lesson: "I was worried about X but I worked really hard and so it all came right in the end and the moral of the story is..." DD observing and gradually absorbing that nobody is great at everything they do nor do they need to be, is far better than being told it, especially if she's used to being told this by someone who certainly appears to be very confident and competent and has in the past shown her that this is the expectation.

I could write an essay here, but a lot of what you say resonates with me. I have a dd who is away with the fairies with a tendency towards anxiety.
I have had to learn to back off. When she showed an interest in something i would try and turn it into a project. Your example of the 'lets build a zoo and group the animals by dietary requirements' is almost too accurate.
I am better now at recognising her (many) good points and worry less about how she'll manage in the real world. She's a teenager now and i can see flashes that encourage me to believe she will be ok.
One thing i try to do is to praise the effort, not the result. I think whenever i praised the result, she would interpret that as me judging it (and i think she felt it was never good enough). Now, i try to praise the effort, or the effect, not the end product. So, if she's drawn a picture, i will notice that she's worked hard at it, or selected colours that work well together. Or if she's been kind to her sister, i will comment that her action has made her sister smile, rather than a more general 'oh, that's kind', which i felt i was using to manipulate her behaviour.
Sorry, my post is quite rambling. I also think you need to be kinder to yourself, you have recognised that you could improve which shows that you are self aware and willing to make changes to help your dd.

Also, what a pp said above, about showing your dd that stuff goes wrong for you, and it's ok.
I am generally good at stuff, (partly because I won't attempt something, unless i know I'll do it well), so my dd sees me effortlessly doing stuff. The other day, i cooked something that was a disaster and i think it really helped her to see that even i fuck up and it was ok. I just cooked something else and we all laughed about it. Since then, she had been more confident in the kitchen, wanting to bake and making food for herself.

Also as an anxious kid I remember if I did something well I'd get that little butterfly feeling in my tummy but it would stop if I thought someone noticed too soon and then were expecting me to repeat it / get better. So I'd stop doing whatever thing it was each time.

I was pretty happy in my own company as a kid and my family learned to kind of back off with pushing me and then I would show things to my parents in my own time on my terms - Mummy look at this picture I drew! But if she'd had complimented it halfway through me drawing it I'd most likely have stopped. Not sure why but fear of failing in public I think.

Did really well at school and managed my own timetable and homework - just preferred not to have external pressure put on me. Could cope with failing at something absolutely fine but not if I felt I'd been pushed. Maybe your DD is similarly wired.

You could ask those around her like family what they see as her strengths. It's hard to be objective close up. DSs uncle pointed out to me a skill that DS has that I hadn't even noticed. Now I try to nurture it. How much do you take her to classes etc?

I could have written this message myself.

Whenever I feel irritation with my daughter's 'lack of ability' I remind myself that I do not want to turn into my mother (who was verbally and physically abusive unless results were perfect or near perfect) and I remind myself of parents that are grieving for their lost children. I think to myself how utterly ungrateful I am for feeling pissed off with my daughter for her not achieving in areas that are easily measured (i.e. music, academia and sports) when she is alive, healthy and has wonderful qualities (just not in those 3 areas).

Your daughter has lovely and fantastic qualities - it's just not in the areas that are easily quantifiable and are not the ones that shallow people put an emphasis on.

DH and I are capable, intelligent adults. Our 13 year old is still learning at pre-school level. OK, so it's extreme but we have no choice but to appreciate him for who he is. We measure his successes relative to his own baseline. If we were to compare him to 13vyear olds on football teams and in orchestras, we would be failing as parents.

Unlike my ds, your dd is typically developing but you owe it to her to not be measuring her worth against the kids who are best at the obvious things. She might be working bloody hard to stay "average". She probably has important personal qualities that you are overlooking. She may need more gentle nurturing to reach her full potential. You won't see that if you carry on looking at what she doesn't have rather than what she does, however.

and at the end of the day the world is horribly horribly unfair.. I wonder about this statement you made. Do you see life as a competition, a battle to be won or lost, and you fear that she will be a loser at it? She will be picking up on this. But another philosophy of life is to see it as an opportunity to make the world better. Your DD might be of this mindset - but it’s early days yet. What about more communal activities instead of the individual ones she’s been doing? A choir? Is there a community garden near you? If she cares about people and the world around her, get involved in some volunteering.

And now I've skimmed the full thread, see, she does!

Why does it matter if she doesn’t have a ‘thing’ that she is especially talented at? Please stop seeing her as an extension of yourself rather than her own person - my whole childhood my mother piled pressure onto me to excel at something, it was one long nightmare of hobby after hobby, and I was never good enough for her to be proud of me. I know she loved me, but I also knew I was a huge disappointment to her. Please just love your child for who she is, not who you want her to be.

Also, something I did when my girls were little, and still do when we're going through a rough spot, is we go round the table, and we all say one thing we like about ourselves, and one thing we like about everyone else at the table.

Could be quite enlightening. . .

Op if I am honest I am in the category of a pushy parent. We're in a demographic where this is common. Maybe you are too?

I would look at knocking off the homeschooling. It's not because I don't believe in it or object to it but I think what your daughter could be telling you is she needs to blossom on her own. If at least try it for a year. Her skill may well be social/leadership which is incredibly valuable later on. She might get more of a chance to develop this side at school. You could try it for a year and see.

I am sorry but I am afraid I wonder if she is just a bit smothered.

Don't fall into the 'I want her to reach her potential' trap. What she does and doesn't achieve is totally up to her, even at 7. The quest for 'potential reaching' is just another way of pushing your child to achieve stuff you think they should achieve. As is 'being the best you can be' which is middle class Mum code for 'I want my child to be a high achiever'.

Concentrate more in yourself and what you would like to achieve as a parent, then think about how you are going to get there.

OP - you mentioned praising her and how she disregards it or treats it as criticism. I read a really brilliant piece of advice which suggests you don;t praise at all. Especially when they are young. Instead - ask: did you enjoy that? Or comment - wow you seemed to really enjoy doing that drawing. Or ask: what did you enjoy about that? and take her replies seriously, without digging for a specific answer or crushing any negativity with adult wisdom.

Focus on the pleasure they get from the task not how you or they rate it, and they feel less pinned down by adult scrutiny.

The quest for 'potential reaching' is just another way of pushing your child to achieve stuff you think they should achieve. As is 'being the best you can be' which is middle class Mum code for 'I want my child to be a high achiever'.

This. SOOO much this.

@M3lon please please please seriously consider the possibility that your DD is on the autism spectrum - I'm autistic and she sounds exactly like me at that age. Autism in young girls comes across very differently to the stereotype of autism that most people are familiar with, and literally everything you've said about your DD - especially the extreme anxiety, sensory issues and obsession with fairness - fits with how ASD presents in girls. This thread gives a good insight into how much the way that autism looks in girls can vary.

I was going to suggest a pet too. Do you have room for chickens? They're very loving and she can make things from the eggs. Perhaps she could research pets first and see what she thinks would work. I think something that gave her unconditional love would be great and as your husband is at home there's not a problem with it being left all day. Good luck xx

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