My husband cheated on me last night

[WifeOfCheater]

NC’d but a regular poster

Been married 10 years, 2 kids, mortgage and happy marriage where nothing more than a few arguments have happened.

Husband went out to watch football yesterday - a rare occurrence he doesn’t often drink so I knew he’d be three sheets to the wind.

He FaceTimed me at 10.30 pissed as a fart telling me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. Not unusual, he gets soppy when drunk. But then he started telling me about a girl who’d pursued him all night and offered to take him back to hers for a shag. She was 17, two weeks off her 18th birthday apparently. I said why are you telling me this, I hope you told her no, and he stayed quiet and said he was getting a taxi home, and laid it on thick with the “I love you” and compliments.

While I was waiting for him to come home I had a sick feeling and knew something wasn’t right. When he got back I asked him if he did anything with that girl. I fully expected him to say “no of course not” because I didn’t think for a moment he’d cheat on me. But he confessed she gave him a blow job down the side of a furniture shop.

I feel sick. The fact she’s 17 - less than half his age - makes my skin crawl. What kind of man is he?! He has ruined everything. And to make it worse DD (6) had D&V so whilst he was getting a blow Job from a teenager I was mopping up sick and shit from the bathroom.

He said it was a one off, just a blow job and not emotional and he doesn’t see it as proper cheating. I think it makes it worse he used some poor girl for just her mouth. I can almost see an emotional affair would’ve been worth the risk of our marriage but not this. He says he deeply regrets it(!)

He’s still in (spare) bed, no doubt won’t remember anything and all I’ve done is cry. I haven’t slept, I’m in the bedroom while the kids watch a film downstairs, sobbing and hoping they don’t see me.

I can’t leave, he’s self employed and hasn’t been doing too well lately financially so we’ve dipped into our savings and they’re gone. I have no family around (he does). I do have a flat I rent out and the tenants are moving out in 3 weeks so I’m going to say he can live there.

I’m utterly heartbroken. He’s ruined everything. I wish this wasn’t happening and I genuinely never ever thought he’d do this to us. And with such a young woman, makes me think he’s just a predatory creep

I'm late to this thread and have mainly read the OP's posts with a few other responses - including the one from Pointythings who I also have a great deal of respect for.

To be clear I have no intention of taking him back - I just want to make everything as painless as possible
My goodness you are clear headed OP. Just make sure you get legal advice ASAP (as I'm betting he definitely will, in order to ensure his own financial position). Also check on www.entitled.co.uk for any benefits you can claim, apart from the 25% single person discount on your council tax.

Just read about your mother who has done the opposite you you, ie:
her husband has had more affairs than I care to remember. including one with his best friend's 16yo DD when he was 40. Mum has forgiven every single one and scoffed at what "tarts" and "Trollops" these women are  even the 16yo.
You are the example to your children that your mother should have been to you. You are to be admired even more with that example in front of you.

Kudos to you for being so strong - you will need it going forwards because I think other posters are right and your husband's mother, though initially shocked and supportive, will be much more sympathetic to her son than to you - and I see that's already started. 🌹🍷

Cheers OP. I hope you are having a large one with your friend. You have been absolutely heroic this week.

Well my friend came over but had to leave at 9.30 because I got the inevitable lurgy 😩 luckily kids are with ex and MIL and will be tomorrow as well. So I’ve had D&V since then and now can’t sleep. Typical! Had a nice carthatic chat with my bestie though!
Still feeling a bit crap and nervous about everything. When I feel better I’m gonna see if I can claim anything. And I’m now thinking “what if he goes for custody” a mum at school is a family lawyer and really lovely I’m meeting with her next week “off the clock” to discuss my options.

Still it’s given me an excuse to put off talks with ex for now, being ill. Though - and it’s probably just my paranoid brain - I’m thinking of all the ways he can stiff me. It happens, with “good” men as well, I’ve seen it with friends.

I won’t lie the temptation to forget it all and start again is strong. But I can’t do it. I keep picturing him and what he’s done and it makes me feel so sick and so angry. The trust is completely unsalvagable. I also keep trying to picture myself in a years’ time, and how different and easier things will be, and I know I just have to put up with the crappy days ahead now to get to that point. I always used to say that to my mum - just get through the next few months without him and you’ll forget the pain. But she never took the chance to do that and I’m pretty sure she’s completely miserable.

Stay strong OP, it's the D&V weakening your resolve.
Shit and puke that man right out of your system.
Hope you feel better soon

Keep the fluids up if you can! Thinking of your OP

Yes it does op-and when money is involved you often see a different side of people again-not always pleasant. My advice is to get it done quickly if that's your decision-whilst he might still be feeling a modicum of guilt. It surprising what people can absolve themselves of and how they behave once they see how much their behaviour has cost them financially.

Are you sure though? From what you've said he doesn't seem to be trying hard to salvage this and to me that would almost be as bad as the thing itself. But would you think of trying counselling and all that were he willing/and showed any remorse?
I only say that because neither staying together or separating are easy roads-so it's good to have tried everything you can before you commit to one or the other.
You are right though. Either way, in a year you will feel better. In two you will be flying. Time is the only thing that makes any real difference. you seem level headed and lovely-so I've a feeling you will be fine whichever way this goes.

I hope you are feeling better. You have had a big shock and that won't be helping your immune system.

Glad you got the cathartic chat with your friend and sorry you are still suffering with the D&V

Good that you are going to get some family lawyer advice too - next week will be a time of putting plans into action - you can do this

You just need some time OP- I have been part of a thread since August 2018- how to adjust to life as a lone parent, it's been such a good support for me, there are a couple of ladies on the thread that were all lone parents at the same time, so we started the journey together, it's nice to look back and see how far we have come in 9 months, I wouldn't of thought how good my life could be back then, but it's so much better now and I am genuinely happy :) have a read of it OP and I hope it helps you too

How do you adjust to life as a lone parent? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3339230-how-do-you-adjust-to-life-as-a-lone-parent

Nigel you're right his "fight" is pitiful. The TLDR for his messages to me go like his "If only you could get over it we'll be happy again" and "Do you want the kids to come from a broken home". I think he thinks I will come swanning back at some point do is making minimal effort

Mind you this is what kind of person he is - one Christmas we were staying at my mums and he got so pissed on Christmas Day he was sick all over my mums bathroom, mouthed off at everyone and kicked a door panel breaking it. I was of course mortified. The next day while he did say sorry he just couldn't see that it was a big deal. And even got annoyed at me because I thought he should have been more embarrassed! He's an arrogant fucker.

Thank you for that Lord I'll have a read.

Feeling very sorry for myself this morning - Ex is amazing at looking after me when I'm ill so I'm cross he fucked things up and I'm ill alone. And I miss my babies so much it's only been 16 hours or so but I just want them and to snuggle them

My god that last post was self pitying. Someone give me a virtual slap please.

It wasn't self pitying. You're feeling sad, not the same thing! Hugs to you

Not self pitying, you're allowed to feel a bit rotten. I hope you feel better soon. If he cared that much about your Dc not coming from a broken home he wouldn't have had a teenager suck him off down an alley way. He's a twat and you're doing really well.

If you think that’s self-pitying you should hear me during any bout of D&V (no matter how much support I have). I go into proper “oh woe is me”.

You actually have a reason for it and you’re ill. It’s good that you can look back at him without the rose-tinted glasses and see him for the arrogant twat he is. At some point I suspect he will up the ante when he realises this isn’t working. Never forget that when he broke your marriage his best shot at getting you back was to blame you for not being able to get over it. He is really pathetic, and you are very much not.

Your character has shone through on this thread; you are worth a hundred of him. I hope you feel better soon. Drink plenty of fluids!

You are NOT self-pitying.

I’m not surprised to hear of earlier antics. This sort of behaviour is never that out of the blue.

You’re sick which isn’t making everything worse. Just get yourself better before you worry about the rest ❤️

I swear, it does get so much easier with time.

You have every reason to feel sad, OP. Be kind to yourself. Put on a sad film, grab some tissues and let it all out. Crying can be very cathartic. I recommend Marley and Me.

Be easy on yourself OP. The grief that will hit you is like a death in the family. You will have ups and downs. Just allow yourself to feel that way. Try and go for a walk in the countryside. I know it sounds twee but it always makes me feel like life isn't so bad.

OP, for what it's worth I come from a 'broken home' after cheating and am so grateful to have had the example of my strong, independent mum.

I also had a good relationship with my dad but very much came to realise as I grew up that although he was a good dad, he'd been a pretty crap husband, making bad mistakes - to his credit, by his own admission!

Neither parent ever bad mouthed the other, they were always civil in front of me (i.e. my mum in particular was a flipping saint!) and they actually became fairly friendly many years later.

I know my mum found it very hard at times but it also brought us both great benefits and a very different life (for my money, largely for the better).

I share this to reassure you that children are not necessarily negatively affected by divorce in any lasting way and there is a chance of a civil way through it even in horrible circumstances if both parties put in a massive, difficult effort to be reasonable. It sounds like you will be able to manage this with grace and relative ease and I hope against hope that he will reciprocate once he realises the writing is truly on the wall.

Still thinking of you.

OP it's obvious that H has a problem with his behaviour after over indulging with alcohol, and doesn't take responsibility for his actions when drunk.
Very dangerous personality trait!

OP you are doing amazingly well. Please ignore the less helpful posts on here and take comfort from the supportive ones.

Well I feel loads better now, have a big bar of galaxy and my gin I'm gonna enjoy my evening as best I can.

Watch the Eurovision and try to take your mind off it all x

I don't normally post about these issues but bloody hell wife you are amazing! What that knob head has put you through is despicable, what an absolute shit! The fact you have been so strong under such circumstances is so inspiring and exactly how I hope I would act if it was me. Glad you are feeling better like you didn't have enough to deal with enjoy the and chocolate, fuck me you deserve it.

It might not feel like it right now, but as others have said, a few months down the line you will be feeling so much better. You are a kick arse lady and I doubt much will floor you. Stay strong