My husband cheated on me last night

[WifeOfCheater]

NC’d but a regular poster

Been married 10 years, 2 kids, mortgage and happy marriage where nothing more than a few arguments have happened.

Husband went out to watch football yesterday - a rare occurrence he doesn’t often drink so I knew he’d be three sheets to the wind.

He FaceTimed me at 10.30 pissed as a fart telling me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. Not unusual, he gets soppy when drunk. But then he started telling me about a girl who’d pursued him all night and offered to take him back to hers for a shag. She was 17, two weeks off her 18th birthday apparently. I said why are you telling me this, I hope you told her no, and he stayed quiet and said he was getting a taxi home, and laid it on thick with the “I love you” and compliments.

While I was waiting for him to come home I had a sick feeling and knew something wasn’t right. When he got back I asked him if he did anything with that girl. I fully expected him to say “no of course not” because I didn’t think for a moment he’d cheat on me. But he confessed she gave him a blow job down the side of a furniture shop.

I feel sick. The fact she’s 17 - less than half his age - makes my skin crawl. What kind of man is he?! He has ruined everything. And to make it worse DD (6) had D&V so whilst he was getting a blow Job from a teenager I was mopping up sick and shit from the bathroom.

He said it was a one off, just a blow job and not emotional and he doesn’t see it as proper cheating. I think it makes it worse he used some poor girl for just her mouth. I can almost see an emotional affair would’ve been worth the risk of our marriage but not this. He says he deeply regrets it(!)

He’s still in (spare) bed, no doubt won’t remember anything and all I’ve done is cry. I haven’t slept, I’m in the bedroom while the kids watch a film downstairs, sobbing and hoping they don’t see me.

I can’t leave, he’s self employed and hasn’t been doing too well lately financially so we’ve dipped into our savings and they’re gone. I have no family around (he does). I do have a flat I rent out and the tenants are moving out in 3 weeks so I’m going to say he can live there.

I’m utterly heartbroken. He’s ruined everything. I wish this wasn’t happening and I genuinely never ever thought he’d do this to us. And with such a young woman, makes me think he’s just a predatory creep

Are you definitely ending the relationship OP? Hope your ok.

Some of the responses on this thread are unbelievable. WTG, those who are indulging in blaming and shaming the poor bloody women. God forbid you place the responsibility where it squarely belongs: with the cheating, lying, sleazy, teenager-exploiting man.

It's bad enough when if a man cheats, his wife is advised that she should not 'break up their family'. Guess it makes a change from 'if she'd kept him happy in the bedroom or been slimmer/sexier/more subservient/add pathetic objection of choice, the poor little flower would never have NEEDED to stray'. But we did see the usual slut-shaming of the 17-year-old kid he took advantage of. And that's all the worse when things then denigrate into defending 20-year age gaps and, even worse, the inevitable victim-blaming.

The people posting these responses make me sick. You really have bought into the 'patriarchal dream' wholesale, haven't you? Congratulations [slow hand clap].

On the other hand, continued kudos to the clear-headed, strong and inspiring OP.

Ugh.

You rock though OP.

Nice to see someone has started a thread off the back off this one saying "I dated an older man when I was 17 and it was great"  so pleased to have inspired you there love

What! Just what

Have been lurking, but this is too much. That's just sick 😨

Can I suggest that all posters try their best to support the op. Yes she's a tough cookie (meant lovingly), but she is here for support, not discussing ancient attitudes.

Yuk

op my best wishes, you certainly are a strong independent woman.

The OP is a legend. We are all behind you OP.

I fully support you OP.

I'm astounded at the for better or worse posters.

Sexual contact with anyone else = divorce as far as I'm concerned.

He negated the marriage contract, not you.

I'd never so much as make eye contact with the scummy cunt again.

Wife, you are amazing. Great to see someone who lives in line with her values. Your DC are very lucky in you.
Seems so unfair you are dealing with poor and vomit literally as well as figuratively.

I haven’t commented so far because I had nothing productive to add that hadn’t been said already but honestly, I am amazed at some of the responses that you are getting on here. You have to do what is best for you and if that means that you don’t stick with someone who can disrespect you and your children and act in this way then so be it. You are being very strong right now and I for one wish that I could be as strong and have as much self worth as you do (even if the strength has come on the back of such awful circumstances).

You are impressively clear headed in what must be a hurricane of emotion for you. You are doing the right thing but just look out for yourself and make sure you lean on good friends.

I am so sorry you have had to experience the shock and horror of realising that the man you loved and had built a life with is capable of an act like that.

Yes @Daisypie I joked to my friend before this is the shittiest week of my life - literally

At some point I have to summon the strength to tell my mum. I've avoided her calls the last few days. Sadly we don't have a great relationship- and she will DEFINITELY tell me to take him back. I know this because she's been in a marriage for over 25 years (not to my dad, he passed away some years ago and would have been an amazing support right now) where her husband has had more affairs than I care to remember. including one with his best friend's 16yo DD when he was 40. Mum has forgiven every single one and scoffed at what "tarts" and "Trollops" these women are even the 16yo.

She's now in her 60's and living her life for a man who doesn't love or respect her. She doesn't go anywhere or do anything unless he thinks it's a good idea, really paints a picture of a strong partnership but actually all he ever wanted was a live-in cook and maid. It's utterly pathetic and a lot of what drives me to say I am definitely not taking ex back is that I don't want to be like my mum. She will be horrified that I've kicked him out, she'll probably be pleased that my relationship is now as officially shitty as hers

OP I'm really impressed with you. Sometimes having a parent who has shit relationships has an up side - you know exactly what you won't tolerate in your own relationships. Well done you for knowing, and sticking with, your own dealbreakers.

Gossips wont be laughing at you OP, they will be laughing at and be disgusted at him.Stick it out and don't have this horrible bastard back.

Ok, just breathe before you speak to your Mum. You don't have to speak to her until you're ready. And when you do you can just manage her by repeating calmly and clearly, 'I'm happy with my decision'.

I sympathise as I have a similar relationship with my mum and she has spent her life criticising my life choices. I just have to switch off my feelings temporarily for our brief phone calls.

And I agree with PP's- any gossip will be solely about your DH's idiotic and terrible behaviour.

You're amazing OP. Good on you for breaking with the example your mum set.

@lotusbiscuit wtf? That's a completely different scenario! Just consider the power imbalance, the hieght/weight/strength imbalance ffs! Plus he knew full well what was going on, there was nothing hazy about it.

Well done for being an apologist for poor male behaviour though 🙄

I wasn’t going to comment either but FFS I can’t help it (). OP you are FUCKING AMAZING and I wish every woman had the self-belief you’re acting, even if not feeling. Given your mum’s situation it’s even more awe-inspiring. To the idiots suggesting that men and women aheld to the same sexual standards, I give you: The Patriarchy. Read up on it. To the OP,

Oops - to the OP, all the gin and the love and the support and the excellent mates, male and female, that you so richly deserve. Hang in there. You’re ace.

What a bizarre thread, OP, you are a standard bearer for all women for handling your husband's infidelity. Even more so when you see your mum has suffered similarly, may she draw strength from you.

Meanwhile, what the fuck is he doing, he admitted it but seems to have gone under cover, has he apologised? Have you had it out, is he at MILs, is he looking at houses and has thrown the towel in?

Sending best wishes op for you and your sick DS!!

Wow, reading the update about your mum! Even more impressive how strong you are. Respect.

@WifeOfCheater you don’t have to tell her anything until you’re ready ❤️

Yes , I’d hold off on telling your mum until you feel ready. She might be angry at you and hope you fall apart, as a defense mechanism for your actions showing her the woman she could have been and wasn’t.

Sorry about the situation with your mum. Hopefully you'll be prepared for her taking this personally, maybe even as a perceived slight against her own decisions, and you are able to disregard her opinions.

If anyone suggests "he made a mistake", maybe it'd help to respond "did he mistake a schoolgirl for his wife?". (I'm guessing she may well be a schoolgirl). Or at least have a few responses ready to shut down any discussions that you don't want to have.

I know others have referred to "the script". I think it's generally advised to prepare financially now - your ex may promise or agree to be reasonable now, then try to backtrack later. Probably best to split joint savings etc before he realises you're serious, and decides to punish you.

I'd possibly not even tell my mum if she was like that (and she is, bad relationship, puts up with a lot of bullshit). I'd say something like I've ended it because I realised he's not enough, and I want more out of life.

It's possible your DM might admire you for doing what she couldn't. I really hope so.