My husband cheated on me last night

[WifeOfCheater]

NC’d but a regular poster

Been married 10 years, 2 kids, mortgage and happy marriage where nothing more than a few arguments have happened.

Husband went out to watch football yesterday - a rare occurrence he doesn’t often drink so I knew he’d be three sheets to the wind.

He FaceTimed me at 10.30 pissed as a fart telling me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. Not unusual, he gets soppy when drunk. But then he started telling me about a girl who’d pursued him all night and offered to take him back to hers for a shag. She was 17, two weeks off her 18th birthday apparently. I said why are you telling me this, I hope you told her no, and he stayed quiet and said he was getting a taxi home, and laid it on thick with the “I love you” and compliments.

While I was waiting for him to come home I had a sick feeling and knew something wasn’t right. When he got back I asked him if he did anything with that girl. I fully expected him to say “no of course not” because I didn’t think for a moment he’d cheat on me. But he confessed she gave him a blow job down the side of a furniture shop.

I feel sick. The fact she’s 17 - less than half his age - makes my skin crawl. What kind of man is he?! He has ruined everything. And to make it worse DD (6) had D&V so whilst he was getting a blow Job from a teenager I was mopping up sick and shit from the bathroom.

He said it was a one off, just a blow job and not emotional and he doesn’t see it as proper cheating. I think it makes it worse he used some poor girl for just her mouth. I can almost see an emotional affair would’ve been worth the risk of our marriage but not this. He says he deeply regrets it(!)

He’s still in (spare) bed, no doubt won’t remember anything and all I’ve done is cry. I haven’t slept, I’m in the bedroom while the kids watch a film downstairs, sobbing and hoping they don’t see me.

I can’t leave, he’s self employed and hasn’t been doing too well lately financially so we’ve dipped into our savings and they’re gone. I have no family around (he does). I do have a flat I rent out and the tenants are moving out in 3 weeks so I’m going to say he can live there.

I’m utterly heartbroken. He’s ruined everything. I wish this wasn’t happening and I genuinely never ever thought he’d do this to us. And with such a young woman, makes me think he’s just a predatory creep

It's good that your side was put across first, OP. Gives him no chance to twist the story. Clearly friends would need to be told when you start going through the divorce anyway, was he wanting you to lie to protect his reputation?

Because I got a snooty text from Ex before asking why we can't keep this business between us hmm

“I am leaning on my friends for support. The only downside to telling other people is that they then know you are a cheating arsehole who preys on teenage girls when he’s drunk and horny, which is no longer my concern.”

He’s kind of doing you a favour at this point. His wankiness since the event must be making it much easier for you to stick to your guns. As if he’s bothered who knows. He should be so focused on what he’s done and how he can possibly fix it that he wouldn’t have the headspace to worry about his mates gossiping, let alone dare to criticise you. What a C unit.

You need to read The Script. He's already starting it. See the second post on this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

I didn't even reply, at least not to that bit, I just said don't forget to send DD in with suncream tomorrow

Thanks @Wrybread I'll take a look at it x

Oh Is he feeling ashamed now? Why should you keep it to yourself? What do you don’t get support? Is he hoping that in a moment of weakness you will reconsider and phone him if you have no one else to turn to?

It is his actions that have led to this. He clearly wasn’t thinking about you or whether he might get seen by someone when he was down an alley was he?

OP you are doing amazingly

My daughter is 17. She thinks she knows everything and that she is grown up but she is still so young, so vulnerable. To think there is men like this out there worries me. He is disgusting to use a young girl like this. I wouldn’t take him back either op.

I think In this circumstance DH should stand for dickhead husband! He sounds like a right knob, as if he's assuming you're not going to go through with a divorce and thinks you will probably take him back after what he's done! You're doing so well, you need to just stay strong and show him that you're serious. Id have the divorce papers sent to him ASAP!! If it were me I'd be filing for it already and I'd hand him those papers with the straightest most serious face!

I've just read the whole thread ☹️ OP, you are an amazing woman. Your life has been turned upside down but you're being so dignified. It's bloody awful when partners do shit like this and you wonder who the hell you've been married to all this time but, honestly, you'll come through all this. Xx

Because I got a snooty text from Ex before asking why we can't keep this business between us

I think he'll find he was the one who started involving others before you even knew about it! Tell whoever you need to Wife!

So sorry you're going through this OP. Don't let your husband keep you quiet to share his blushes.

I mentioned this to my husband earlier, who without prompting was incredulous, then again without prompting said your husbands behaviour was "disgusting" and "unacceptable".

His behaviour is terrible and the fact he is trying to minimise things is disgusting / makes matters worse.

'Why can't we keep this between us'. Because you put your cock in a teenager's mouth ffs.

OP you honestly sound brilliant.

I agree with lotusbiscuit, if a woman was that drunk, everybody here would be telling her she was a victim, the double standard is a bit ridiculous. Either both sexes are responsible for their actions while drunk, or neither are. He was a drunken eejit who did something he wouldn't have done while sober... By all means dump him for it but he's not a predator anymore than a drunken woman in that situation.

As for telling people... What goes on in a relationship between two people needs to stay there with exception only to very discreet best friends. Gossiping to gossips just makes you the subject of gossip and ridicule behind your back. They'll be laughing at you more than your husband. Or even feeling sorry for him given the circumstances.

"'Why can't we keep this between us'. Because you put your cock in a teenager's mouth ffs.*

No, not quite. He put his cock in anyone's mouth. Teenager, middle-aged, man, it doesn't matter what the person is.

You go, OP. Bloke support right here.

Because I got a snooty text from Ex before asking why we can't keep this business between us 

Well, how inconvenient for him. Well, tough shit. Actions have consequences.

why we can't keep this business between us?

Is there still an 'us'?

Read the whole thread this evening.
Stay resolute Wife
You're an example to us all.
you are and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
Your husband's behaviour is sickening.

Gossiping to gossips just makes you the subject of gossip and ridicule behind your back. They'll be laughing at you more than your husband. Or even feeling sorry for him given the circumstances.

No, they'll be laughing at him. Don't judge everyone else's standards by the shitty friends you must have. I'll tell who I want because I've done nothing wrong and I don't see why I should keep his secret.

My neighbour also knows now. She popped round to tell me they'll be tree felling going on tomorrow and caught me in the midst of poo and vomit explosions (DS not me ) and a lot of tears (both me and DS) so came in for a chat. She's not gossipy though, but we do live in a small village so word will get round soon enough I'd rather it be my word aka the truth than anything else

I doubt anyone’s laughing at the op juni. If anything similar ever happens to a friend of yours I hope they see through you pretty quickly and dump you as a friend, as that would be absolutley shit of you.
And no it’s not the same as a woman being drunk so a man uses her for sex without effective consent at all. He used the girl for sex- where would you draw the line in this analogy? If he’d thrown her to the ground , tore her clothes off and had piv sex would it still be the same as a woman? Cos that’s what they do to men when drunk - have them on their knees giving them oral? Never mind the fact she was 17... and he was sober enough to chat to the op after and make something up so a long way from passed out. Disgusting some of the comments here, I’m so glad the op is taking none of this crap.

Thank you for all your support and words BTW. I hear what PP say about being wary of internet support, as by next week another thread about a shitty husband will pop up and I'll be a distant memory to most people - but, for now, these words are giving me a huge amount of strength. I DO deserve better, I can do better than this, thank you for making me realise that you are all

When I was 17 I got off with someone’s husband. He was my line manager (I worked in a large supermarket, part time job in my final year of school). He was in his late 30s. We kissed a few times on a night out but that’s as far as it went. His wife was pregnant at the time.

At the time I did not feel violated or taken advantage of. I felt the next day like I shouldn’t have done it but that’s all really. I thought I was mature and experienced.

As far as I know she never found out.

Now I’m in my late 30s with two daughters of my own. I feel like he violated me now. I know now how he completely took advantage of me. I was young and stupid in a situation that was way beyond my understand. In way over my head. I thought it was a laugh at the time.

I wish it hadn’t happened.

I didn't even reply, at least not to that bit, I just said don't forget to send DD in with suncream tomorrow

I knew you wouldn’t have, you’re classier than me 😁

I agree with lotusbiscuit, if a woman was that drunk, everybody here would be telling her she was a victim, the double standard is a bit ridiculous. Either both sexes are responsible for their actions while drunk, or neither are.

Yeah sure. If you ignore the massive, glaring, obvious fact that women are many times more vulnerable to sexual assault/coercion/abuse etc than men are and that this girl's young age makes her all the more vulnerable. Every statistic going will tell you that the overwhelming majority of sexual violence is committed BY males AGAINST females. Let's not dumb the conversation down so much as to pretend that a middle aged man is as vulnerable as a teenage girl. It's quite clear to anyone with an iota of intelligence that when a 17 year old CHILD is orally penetrated by a man twice her age, HE is absolutely NOT the vulnerable party. FFS. Can't believe it even needs saying.

Time; there's no difference between a man or woman when it comes to someone being so drunk they can't consent. I've had to pull a girl off a friend of mine who was nearly passed out. If I hadn't been there, what she would have done to him would have been sexual assault, not cheating.

It's horrible that one gender being demonised because they're male and the other infantilised as permanent victims who can do no wrong because we're female. Women are more vulnerable because of our body differences but we're equally responsible as men for our choices. We're no more or less capable of consent as they are when drunk.

Teenager, middle-aged, man, it doesn't matter what the person is.

Of course it fucking matters It means that as well as being unfaithful, he is also the type of man who takes advantage of extremely young women. In fact, she is a child.

Socallmemaybe - same here. At the time I was flattered by the attention of an accomplished professional bloke & my home life was awful. He fed me the 'my wife doesn't love me. We never have sex' lines.

I was very stupid and I wasn't the only one.

The girl is not the problem here.