My husband cheated on me last night

[WifeOfCheater]

NC’d but a regular poster

Been married 10 years, 2 kids, mortgage and happy marriage where nothing more than a few arguments have happened.

Husband went out to watch football yesterday - a rare occurrence he doesn’t often drink so I knew he’d be three sheets to the wind.

He FaceTimed me at 10.30 pissed as a fart telling me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. Not unusual, he gets soppy when drunk. But then he started telling me about a girl who’d pursued him all night and offered to take him back to hers for a shag. She was 17, two weeks off her 18th birthday apparently. I said why are you telling me this, I hope you told her no, and he stayed quiet and said he was getting a taxi home, and laid it on thick with the “I love you” and compliments.

While I was waiting for him to come home I had a sick feeling and knew something wasn’t right. When he got back I asked him if he did anything with that girl. I fully expected him to say “no of course not” because I didn’t think for a moment he’d cheat on me. But he confessed she gave him a blow job down the side of a furniture shop.

I feel sick. The fact she’s 17 - less than half his age - makes my skin crawl. What kind of man is he?! He has ruined everything. And to make it worse DD (6) had D&V so whilst he was getting a blow Job from a teenager I was mopping up sick and shit from the bathroom.

He said it was a one off, just a blow job and not emotional and he doesn’t see it as proper cheating. I think it makes it worse he used some poor girl for just her mouth. I can almost see an emotional affair would’ve been worth the risk of our marriage but not this. He says he deeply regrets it(!)

He’s still in (spare) bed, no doubt won’t remember anything and all I’ve done is cry. I haven’t slept, I’m in the bedroom while the kids watch a film downstairs, sobbing and hoping they don’t see me.

I can’t leave, he’s self employed and hasn’t been doing too well lately financially so we’ve dipped into our savings and they’re gone. I have no family around (he does). I do have a flat I rent out and the tenants are moving out in 3 weeks so I’m going to say he can live there.

I’m utterly heartbroken. He’s ruined everything. I wish this wasn’t happening and I genuinely never ever thought he’d do this to us. And with such a young woman, makes me think he’s just a predatory creep

Xxyw alternative good, batshit not good.

Fucking hell Xxyw I've read some bollocks in my time on here but never that a teenage girl is predatory towards a 40yo married man. Jesus. I teach 17yo girls, they are many things but never predatory.

Is this what men are like now? Think a lifetime of celibacy is on the cards for me.

By way of an update - kids are staying with Ex tonight at MILs, my friend is coming over armed with gin. In work again and trying to not think too much about it all. I'm a bit overwhelmed with what I'm going to do next, what I'm gonna say to the kids...just wish I could fast forward a year.

@WifeOfCheater you're doing great so far, a good cry/rant over a few drinks will be good therapy for you, I know you need to try and hold it together for the kids so a bit of release for you with be much needed I think

Thank goodness for those speaking sense here and not excusing this, including you OP. There is nothing that can be excused he accepted a blowjob from a teenager because he felt like it and the bottom line is always that isn't it, while his wife was at home caring for his sick DC nonetheless. Whether he also loves her or anything else is beside the point; that isn't any version of love that I'd want that's for sure!

The age aspect is utterly vulgar, and by using a young woman for oral sex in the street he's shown himself up re: what he thinks of her and it reflects poorly on him.

You're not his mother OP; I would tell him all bets are off and he can find his own accommodation. His financial incapacity or lack of accommodation isn't your concern, anything he owed you he wasn't fussed about when it came down to it. Do what's best for you financially from here on in, don't cater for this person.

Don’t feed the troll. Seriously not worth it.

You’re doing better than a lot of people would, Wife. Hang in there

You are incredible op.

I can't believe some of the other responses. Do the people saying not to throw it away really believe that would be their answer of their other half did it to them? If your husband cheated would you really say "eh, it's a mistake. Nasty woman preyed on him! My poor baby!"

Not a chance! You'd all have him strung from the highest window by his balls!

Wonder what bullshit story he and MIL are spinning for the kids!

I'm actually getting angry as I know MIL will be saying shit like 'don't worry love, she'll be ok when she's cooled off'

I just can't help thinking about all those poor men out there just trying to go about their day trying to keep their dicks out of predatory cocksuckers while their wives sit at home relaxing with sick children.

I must warn my poor husband to stay away from furniture shops.

You are doing so well OP.

"Thank you op for being a strong woman and not putting up with a cheating husband."

Staying in your marriage after adulterous does not make you weak. It's strength too as it's bloody hard.

Agree with sunshine. Some marriages can survive infidelity. The OP must do what she thinks best. The only person who is weak here is her husband.

@Xxyw - nice blaming the girl here. Wondered who would be the one to do that! "she knew what she was doing/she's a predator" - biggest excuse for sexual abusers and rapists the world over.

That and "it was the drink/I was so drunk I didn't now what I was doing"

Same.Tired.Excuses.

You'd think you men would have new ones by now, but no. So predictable there is actually a script.

Moreover, I don't think the op needs a man telling her what to do.

Of course some women throw themselves at men just as some men pester women but this is irrelevant to the situation here, the fact is he cheated and deliberately told her he had done so fully expecting to be forgiven.

It doesn’t matter if the women flung herself naked from a chandelier and landed on top of him, he is the one that got erect and put it in her mouth.

OP,
I think a lot of us are saying to take time to consider and make your own informed decision. Just that. Only that. That is what counts.

Its easy to be swept away with the tide of support and the chorus of.. hes repulsive etc etc.

But step back from the chaos and the chatter. Give yourself time and make the correct decision for you.

I am not condoning what hes done. But i have seen a couple of friends get over worse.

Im not saying I could, but we are all different. We all think we would react in certain way, but we dont really know how we would, until we are in that situation and have to react.

Wifeofcheater, I'm not saying too much about my divorce situation but there are parallels. I've not gone back on my word to divorce him and I think you're right to be horrified at what has happened and act accordingly. The age thing is seedy and vile let alone the act. There will be lots of pleading, guilt tripping and tears and that's just from the in laws who will be desperate to hush it up and carry on as before. Prepare for his magic self unzipping trousers to be your fault- you didn't give him enough sex/spent too much time at work or on the kids/have let yourself go blah blah. You'll be told how much you need him, how you won't cope alone, how sorry he is etc, by his friends if not his family. And then he will start too. But it's all bullshit aimed at wearing you down. You've got years of life left and it's not worth wasting them wondering what he's up to now as you will never trust him again. And he deserves the consequences of his actions, they are pretty big as they are for my STBXH but can't do the time don't do the crime. Hope you're feeling ok, take good care of yourself.

I know Xxyw's post is goady but it's still amazing that men really can think like that or promote that view. It explains why so many men seem to feel so hard done by when they cheat and their wife or partner doesn't put up with it, or feel that cheating, or hey even raping someone, isn't their responsibility because they are so vulnerable to being predated upon.

Oddly I've never heard or heard of any woman who's been unfaithful, blaming the OM for "tempting" her or being a "predator". Women are more familiar with the risk of actual predators who don't give them a choice. A 17yo girl throwing herself at a 30-something man and offering him a BJ down an alley isn't a predator. He can say no and walk away you see.

@QueenKubauOfKish So much truth in your post. It's actually crazy how brain washed we as a society are to accept this (by and large) as legitimate reasoning. Like, when it comes to sex men can't be held responsible for how their penis behaves if a woman pursues him or if a woman is wearing a short skirt etc etc Like we as women are responsible for controlling mens impulses. And as you say imagine if a woman tried to use that as an excuse as to why she cheated, she'd be laughed out of the room and called a slut

Throwing this out there ....was he so drunk he didn't consent? What has he actually said happened? I'd need the low down. Out of character and he admitted it.

As for predatory women, I've met some foul predatory teenage boys and women are not immune to the same behaviour.

@roaringfire I'm sure if he actually didn't consent that would have been the first thing he would have said to his wife in his defense...........

He hasn't said he didn't consent, just that he was pissed but felt instantly guilty which is why he told me straight away. He says it was just a stupid mistake, wasn't thinking straight etc. He isn't trying to claim to be the victim I don't think he's that stupid.

He actually doesn't seem that bothered. Not so much "fighting" as promised than a light scuffle not sure why that bothers me

Because he’s not acting like it’s a big deal?

Ask him how he’d feel if you told him you got pissed and let some random a level student perform cunnilingus on you in an alleyway.

It's too triggering for me to keep in posting when people even discuss the consent issues around this. But I can't help it as many involved parties don't have a voice in this.

@roaringfire

If it was YOUR 17 girl (or boy) giving the blow job in question, down an alley, surely you'd understand your DD/DS would be a victim too? As is the wife.

If if was YOUR 17 year old girl (or boy) used as an orifice for a dick twice as old as her, surely you'd understand your DD/DS is a victim too? As is the wife.

AND even when 17 year olds exhibit the 'predatory' behaviour you suspect it is OUR FUCKING JOB AS ADULTS to keep them safe not let them nosh is off in back alleys.

So who is at fault? You honestly don't understand the SOLE burden lies with the married man who put is dick into the mouth of a 17 year old girl (half her age) who has her whole life ahead of her then treated her disgustingly by speaking about her like trash?

He is not technically in a position of authority like a teacher but we live in a country where I think it's generally accepted what he did is immoral, disgusting and a perfectly valid reason for this divorce to happen.

He didn't meet a 17 year old, fall in love but waIt until she was an adult before having contact again, explain the situation and apologise for the hurt it caused others but make the tough decision leave to build a new life with a new love. I would feel empathy for him for that situation. As well as his wife.

But what actually happened? He stuck his dick in someone's mouth. In an alleyway. Treated her like just hole he wanted to fuck by then saying it was nothing. Treated his wife like shit by doing it in the first place and saying it was nothing. Treated his family like shit for doing something so disgusting this will now all have to happen so fast because it's so inexcusable.

OP I'm proud of you - living by your boundaries and inspiring others (including younger girls) to do the right thing not the easy thing. Proud proud proud xx

If he had enough respect for you to fight and show true remorse, Wife, he wouldn’t have had his cock in the mount of a child in the first place.

He’s utterly vile in more ways than one.

Can men who are too drunk to consent even raise the flag, so to speak, in the first place?

@WifeOfCheater i have nothing but admiration for how you've handled this situation... I camt begin to imagine how you're feeling and I know it's hard to put yourself first when you feel like this.
I'll be raising a glass to you later... i would also send you a bottle of gin as well! X