Was I expecting too much from DP?

[Cottagepienpeas]

Apologies in advance if I come across as rambling, my brain is fogged over and I'm very overwhelmed with emotion.

Ds 18months has been in hospital for a week with Sepsis. It was very very serious at one point and touch and go. Thankfully, our beautiful is home and on the mend, we are very lucky!

My post is about DP. Yes he was there everyday and given hugs to DS but he was pretty vacant. I know it was tough for him too but he didn't seem to be bothered or think about how I might be feeling. He lay on the hospital bed watching sports falling asleep whilst I'm keeping Ds room tidy, sorting clothes etc. Not once did he bring me a flask of coffee or some snacks to keep me going or even offer. I was running on empty, 10 hours broken sleep in a week. Not ONCE did he ask any questions to the Dr's or nurses about ds condition. Not once. When the Dr said Ds has septicaemia, no reaction from dp, no questions, no emotion, just carried on like Ds is there for a broken toe! He'd go home in the evening, yes he'd text and ask how he is but that's it. Just fed himself, watched football and be asleep by 10pm. HOW CAN HE FALL ASLEEP SO EASY WHEN OUR SON IS SO SICK??? No worry, no concern, nothing.

So we get home. There's clean dishes on the draining board from the day I left. Sink full of dirty dishes. Airer full of washing from the day I left. Wash bin overflowing with dirty laundry then he has the cheek to moan he has no clean pants or socks and didn't know how to use the washer! I was exhausted, she'll shocked, drained, felt like I was swimming through a hellish fog, could hardly function then he pipes up "what time is dinner?"

That evening I sat in the conservatory and cried. From pure relief more than anything. Dp came in, looked at me crying and walked away. No support, no hug, no nothing.

I've had issues for years about his selfishness, lack of appreciation, and his emotional detachment. He's even admitted himself he's emotionally detached. To be this has just proved all he is. Never ever there, never supportive. I really want to walk away.

Was I expecting too much?!?

He’s proved his lack of care and love, maybe this worrying episode should be the one where you decide it’s time to go.

I’m so glad your ds is on the mend, sometimes it takes a crisis to change life for the better.

Why don't you walk away?

No love, you were NOT expecting too much!!

For now concentrate on yourself and your own welfare and that of your son.

More people will be along soon to advise on your relationship but all I can say is that I was once in similar shoes and a few years later, when I'd finally got my mental shit together I left him!

I am happy now! I wish the same for you!

You didn't even get the minimum, op. Poor you

He did text one night to say I'm a brilliant mum but that's it. No care for either of us, no compassion, no empathy. It's like he doesn't feel. I only wanted a massive bear hug and words of encouragement.

He treated you worse than i would treat a colleague.

Oh, Cottage you absolutely did not expect too much.
So sorry to hear what you have been through lately. Very glad your DS is better now.
The dishes should have been washed, the washing should have been done, he should have brought you food and drinks. He should have put his arms around you and held you, let you cry out all of your stress, he should have snuggled up to you and your DS. He should have brought home a takeout or cooked for you today.
Is this the final straw?

I wouldn't treat a stranger with such indifference. You really need to give your head a wobble and get out of this pointless, soul destroying relationship. Is this really how you want to live for the rest of your life?

I'm so sorry your DS has been so seriously ill. How utterly draining for you this last week must have been, and even though your son is better now, and out of hospital, I'm sure you will still worry about him.
Look after yourself as well as you can, as it seems obvious your husband is not going to.
The way your husband has handled this hard situation is far from ideal. Of course you need support just, but it seems from your post that he is incapable of giving it.
Do you have your mum, or other family or friends nearby for encouragement, and company?
I'm sorry you're going through this, and really feel for you.

Whilst his behaviour is unpleasant I don’t think he is malicious, his nature/personality appears genuinely devoid of empathy.

I wonder if he sees you as a mother figure rather than a partner and that’s why he takes it for granted that you do everything.

Was/is his mother very domineering?

Sounds like my ex. 10 week old dd was in there on oxygen. I got away from the hospital for about 3 hours in 4 days. He popped in stayed an hour and left. Never even offered to stay there 1 night.

You poor love, you've been through a terrible time .
I couldn't forgive his behaviour.

My little boy is walking around with a cannula in his foot for the next four days as he has to go back for IV antibiotics. He could've died. I say this to dp and there's no emotion. Nothing there. He has zero empathy which, in turn makes him selfish. I told him last night how dissapointed I am and he said "you shouldn't of had that extra glass of wine."

I do feel like his mother, she pandered to his every whim. But I'm not going to go about justifying his behavior.

It's not malicious, he just has something missing.

This is the worst time of my life. I need him to care abt Ds and be my rock. But he can't, not won't, can't.

Your darling baby only needs your love and care if it comes down to it. Sending virtual hugs and best wishes for your little ones speedy and complete recovery. Not making excuses but sometimes men can be the most thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate twats, and I have no idea if they can be bought back from the dark side! I’ve never managed it with mine lol!

Common, you know full well he's out of order. You don't have to stay with him because clearly he adds nothing but heartache to your life. Your son won't remember living with him so don't start thinking your son will lose out. Life is too short to waste it on such dickheads.

You weren't expecting too much.

He won’t change. This is him.

Sadly you don’t want your boy seeing this behaviour as normal which he will if his father is a constant influence.

You definitely wasn’t expecting too much

Ok not everyone can show emotion, but the least he could have done is keep the house running and then offer to cook you food that evening.

He sounds really selfish

I'm going to have it out with him later, tell him I'm not living like it, explain how he's made me feel. I know it'll somehow end up being my fault though.

Sorry for length of post but this hit close to home!

You know you weren't expecting too much. You are supposed to be a team.

You're meant to pull together in tough times and fight through them, you two and your little one against the world.

I hear so many stories about dads like this when children are sick and people use the excuse that the father has found it too hard to confront / was too upset to help / didn't know how to help...

Being present means almost nothing if he isn't stepping up, it's the least he could do and he did it because he can say "I was there every day".

What about you?! You aren't allowed to be as upset? As scared? As hugely overwhelmed? Did someone give you a rule book on how to make it better?

NO you had to learn the hard way by being a PARENT and tackling it head on and fighting on your sons behalf. You had to fight twice as hard because he didn't step up.

The feeling of trying to silently cry alone because it's your job to be brave and you're 'just' better at this stuff? HE is at the root of that. Plain and simple.

"What time is dinner" talk? Proper, proper utterly selfish wanker to say that. Talk about showing your true colours.

You poor thing. Do you have a strong gut feeling as to what you're comfortable with doing about the situation?

To end on a positive note, I'm so glad to hear DS is feeling better, thank god he has such a brilliant and lovely mummy!

To be fair, you'll be talking to the wall.

But I understand the urge to be understood is strong, even when you know its futile.

He will just suck the energy out of you though. Suck your tears out and be scornful at you. Try to maintain a strong facade. Try not to give him the chance to sneer at you.

@Cottagepienpeas this bit of your post made me cry and I don't even know your DS:

My little boy is walking around with a cannula in his foot for the next four days as he has to go back for IV antibiotics. He could've died.

And this bit made me get genuine rage:

I say this to dp and there's no emotion...I told him last night how disappointed I am and he said "you shouldn't of had that extra glass of wine."

OMFG you know what? Fuck him off, fuck him right off. His response to that actually made my skin crawl. Ugh ugh ugh.

And again thank god for your DS that you have been such a rock throughout the situation - I'm so pleased he's back home with you x

He did text one night to say I'm a brilliant mum but that's it.

^^

Words are cheap and easy.

I know it'll somehow end up being my fault though.

^

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is gaslighting.