Was I expecting too much from DP?

[Cottagepienpeas]

Apologies in advance if I come across as rambling, my brain is fogged over and I'm very overwhelmed with emotion.

Ds 18months has been in hospital for a week with Sepsis. It was very very serious at one point and touch and go. Thankfully, our beautiful is home and on the mend, we are very lucky!

My post is about DP. Yes he was there everyday and given hugs to DS but he was pretty vacant. I know it was tough for him too but he didn't seem to be bothered or think about how I might be feeling. He lay on the hospital bed watching sports falling asleep whilst I'm keeping Ds room tidy, sorting clothes etc. Not once did he bring me a flask of coffee or some snacks to keep me going or even offer. I was running on empty, 10 hours broken sleep in a week. Not ONCE did he ask any questions to the Dr's or nurses about ds condition. Not once. When the Dr said Ds has septicaemia, no reaction from dp, no questions, no emotion, just carried on like Ds is there for a broken toe! He'd go home in the evening, yes he'd text and ask how he is but that's it. Just fed himself, watched football and be asleep by 10pm. HOW CAN HE FALL ASLEEP SO EASY WHEN OUR SON IS SO SICK??? No worry, no concern, nothing.

So we get home. There's clean dishes on the draining board from the day I left. Sink full of dirty dishes. Airer full of washing from the day I left. Wash bin overflowing with dirty laundry then he has the cheek to moan he has no clean pants or socks and didn't know how to use the washer! I was exhausted, she'll shocked, drained, felt like I was swimming through a hellish fog, could hardly function then he pipes up "what time is dinner?"

That evening I sat in the conservatory and cried. From pure relief more than anything. Dp came in, looked at me crying and walked away. No support, no hug, no nothing.

I've had issues for years about his selfishness, lack of appreciation, and his emotional detachment. He's even admitted himself he's emotionally detached. To be this has just proved all he is. Never ever there, never supportive. I really want to walk away.

Was I expecting too much?!?

If course you feel traumatised. The demise of any relationship leaves one reeling.

Clearly he has a huge problem with feeling or expressing any emotion.

Well done for being so strong.

You sound lovely and brave I'm so impressed you've made the decision which I think is totally right for you and for DS.

FWIW it might be a good idea to book a counselling session now while you feel a little numb, so it's there ready for you when the inevitable crash hits and you feel wobbly.

You sound more than strong enough to deal with that too of course but it's so good and such a relief to have the opportunity to let it all out in front of a pro who can talk you through your feelings and next steps xx

Oh OP it's so hard, recovering from the fear you felt when your DS was so ill. I walked around in a daze, at the back of my mind thinking 'what if the worst had happened', then feeling guilty for feeling that way and thinking I should be grateful for her recovering. Along with all these emotions I left my ex, so added guilt for breaking up the family unit. The only thing that kept me moving forward was that I didn't want my DD to think this was normal and end up in the same type of relationship.

You deserve better, please take it easy on yourself. You need rest and try to find someone to talk to in RL. Take care OP

Ah op after his behaviour I would be fucking done. What a bastard.

Sounds like my Ex (that's why he's an Ex)

He's still here acting like nothings happened. Not an iota of remorse.

I find that very disturbing. I would be scared that it’s all bottled up.

His reaction is not surprising, is it? I mean, nothing was there when his son almost died so why would it when it his relationship is in trouble?

Stay strong.

Jesus, there's something very wrong with that man! How did you end up with him in the first place?

He isn’t going to change..

He just doesn't feel. He doesn't understand people's emotions, I could laugh, cry, scream nothing effects him. Equally he shows no emotion, no happiness, sadness. It like he's devoid of feelings, I can see he's always been like this. The only time he shows emotion is towards football.

I'm so sorry OP, I would be done too.

Have you pushed him on the leaving to the other house?

Thinking of you and your little boy.

Now he's being a cocky shit, lording it up being uber confident like he is dismissing the situation entirely. Like Ds is fine let's move on. I'm feeling quite cross now but doubting myself at the same time.

I need to heal, I need to spend time with my precious son, embrace it. I don't need this selfish, cold man here.

Well I'd be bringing up living situations etc and keep bringing it home to him this isn't being taken lightly.

Did he ask you to marry him? What was he like in the beginning?

OP, I stayed with someone just like this after similar life-threatening situation because we had younger children who would have been devastated by losing their two-parent set up on top of tragedy (old enough to remember). It's fucking miserable. Your son is young enough that he won't remember your having lived with this emotional vampire.

You've already talked to him till you're blue in the face, over and over.

He will never change. He doesn't give a shit. He sees you as a handy domestic appliance.

I wouldn't bother, but prepare to leave him. I'd stop doing anything for him at all. MrsTerry is right, if the washing machine and sink were a telly or computer he'd work it out.

You and your son deserve so much more than this.

He's an arsehole. Life is better without living with such people.

Don't do this to yourself or your son.

The only time he shows emotion is towards football.

Yes, this is because he chooses to do so. It's selective. It's not 'can't' it's 'won't'. I'd have gone fucking ballistic at the 'what time is dinner?' and lost the plot, probably told him to go back to his mother's house for his fucking dinner, thrown all his shitty clothes out the window. What a cunt.

You're all so right. He's still acting like nothing has happened this past week or so.

He is going to a football match an hour away tomorrow. Whilst he's gone I'm going to fill the boot of his car with his stuff, leave his car key and message him to tell him when he arrives home, just drive off.

Wow this past week is a living nightmare.

I'd put all his dirty washing in there, too, the cunt. He won't believe you because he thinks he's the Great I Am. Believe me, he will never change. It's not worth engaging with him anymore, this is who he is.

His emotional detachment may be due to his upbringing or may be high functioning autism. Either way very difficult to deal with. Good luck for the future op

Bingo! Someone always trots out the autism card. I have a child with autism. This guy's just a twat.

You weren't expecting too much. I guess it depends if you can put up with it and / or if he would change? I get the vibe he doesn't think it's an issue though😔. The glass of wine comment was especially out of order. I can see why you want him to go

Glad to hear your son is getting better

He sounds like my exH. Your life will make so much more sense, when he is gone.

Bag up all his stuff (and yes, do include his dirty laundry) when he goes tomorrow. Then leave your key in the front door.

We’re all right behind you.

DP came in, looked at me crying and walked away. No support, no hug, no nothing

This made my blood run cold OP. I remember well when I learned of the death of a friend (which I'd been expecting) and I got off the phone and howled and howled like an animal with pain and grief and my ex, who was sitting in the next room (door open, so he definitely, definitely heard) didn't come. That, above all his other disgusting behavior, was the thing that made me leave him.

@ItalianEarthernware people with autism don't all respond in the same way, like NT people don't all respond in the same way. Op quite rightly is doing what is best for her and her son irrespective of why.

I think you’re right. He’s broken. You can’t teach an adult how to feel. He’s not even “acting” like he’s seen people do on tv. (Some people incapable of true empathy who wish to have relationships “act” as they are expected to in an effort to hang onto their relationship when it’s hitting the fan.) Your guy isn’t even sufficiently invested enough to fake it. You are going to get people telling you that it’s your fault for pandering to him from the beginning of the relationship, or his mother’s for creating a man-child (there is a bit to this) but I think there is a whole societal element that needs looking at too. Men in the UK in particular have a massive sense of entitlement hidden in their “lad’s” culture that throws women under the bus. Women have accepted that for far too long. You sound like a lovely, loving Mum. Don’t repeat the same mistakes with your son. Teach him the value of the word “No” and give him age-appropriate household responsibilities early. Teach him how to be an independent adult and good partner to someone.