Was I expecting too much from DP?

[Cottagepienpeas]

Apologies in advance if I come across as rambling, my brain is fogged over and I'm very overwhelmed with emotion.

Ds 18months has been in hospital for a week with Sepsis. It was very very serious at one point and touch and go. Thankfully, our beautiful is home and on the mend, we are very lucky!

My post is about DP. Yes he was there everyday and given hugs to DS but he was pretty vacant. I know it was tough for him too but he didn't seem to be bothered or think about how I might be feeling. He lay on the hospital bed watching sports falling asleep whilst I'm keeping Ds room tidy, sorting clothes etc. Not once did he bring me a flask of coffee or some snacks to keep me going or even offer. I was running on empty, 10 hours broken sleep in a week. Not ONCE did he ask any questions to the Dr's or nurses about ds condition. Not once. When the Dr said Ds has septicaemia, no reaction from dp, no questions, no emotion, just carried on like Ds is there for a broken toe! He'd go home in the evening, yes he'd text and ask how he is but that's it. Just fed himself, watched football and be asleep by 10pm. HOW CAN HE FALL ASLEEP SO EASY WHEN OUR SON IS SO SICK??? No worry, no concern, nothing.

So we get home. There's clean dishes on the draining board from the day I left. Sink full of dirty dishes. Airer full of washing from the day I left. Wash bin overflowing with dirty laundry then he has the cheek to moan he has no clean pants or socks and didn't know how to use the washer! I was exhausted, she'll shocked, drained, felt like I was swimming through a hellish fog, could hardly function then he pipes up "what time is dinner?"

That evening I sat in the conservatory and cried. From pure relief more than anything. Dp came in, looked at me crying and walked away. No support, no hug, no nothing.

I've had issues for years about his selfishness, lack of appreciation, and his emotional detachment. He's even admitted himself he's emotionally detached. To be this has just proved all he is. Never ever there, never supportive. I really want to walk away.

Was I expecting too much?!?

Showing that you cherish and care about someone is a fundamental element of any relationship.

I’m not taking about remembering birthdays or bringing home flowers. It’s the tenderness of working together and supporting each other and showing compassion, empathy and concern. If he didn’t know why to do he could have asked “Shay can I do to help?”

I hear so many stories about dads like this when children are sick and people use the excuse that the father has found it too hard to confront / was too upset to help / didn't know how to help...

^

Yes. More bullshit of course.

You don't often see the mothers mincing at home, watching footy on TV and sleeping whilst their kid is in with sepsis.

Oh and wait for the full bingo when you do speak to him:

"If that's what you wanted me to do then why didn't you just ask?" In a tone suggesting you're a little unhinged and very unreasonable.

UUUGGGGH maybe because I was dealing with the toughest situation of my life single handedly?!

I'm so sorry it's such a shitshow with men like this. But your mini man is a fighter like you and he's home safe plus I bet he gives the best cuddles. Scoop him up for one of them whenever you need a strength recharge.

My 18 year old was admitted to hospital about a month ago, nothing too serious, bad infection that they’d decided much better to treat with antibiotics in hospital. Husband was half way across the world on business. He got the next flight out, called me at all hours, cried asking if she was going to be ok, asking how I was coping, texted numerous times. I haven’t really thought about it but that’s what I would call ‘normal’. Sepsis and I’d be absolutely bloody terrified.
Sorry, but to me that’s not a normal response from your husband and would upset me so much.

When six year old DD1 was in hospital for two weeks with a perforated appendix I stayed with her and had 4month old DD2 with me. DH behaved in a very similar way.

When I got home to the mess, I also found that my friends had been popping in each night with meals for him. No meals appeared at the hospital for me, although they did feed me because I was BFing DD2.

No meals arrived after we got home. They clearly knew DH was OK because normal service had been resumed.

I bet if the washing machine or sink was a TV or computer he'd work out how to use it.

I absolutely couldn't forgive the lack of care and leaving work for you coming home. I wouldn't do that to someone I hated whose child was so sick.

Very sorry OP. Hope your DS gets better soon. He is a pathetic partner and father.

Do you have family who could come and stay with you to give you a break and some support.

I told him last night how dissapointed I am and he said "you shouldn't of had that extra glass of wine."

Oh, so he is saying it is your fault he is lazy, selfish, self centred and not at all bothered then?????

I Literaly could have wrote this exact post. My partner was the same when my son had sepsis and it was extremely touch and go. He stared at the tv the whole time complained he was tired and generally was so disengaged

I just wish he was my rock. I've said to him before about his lack of empathy. I needed him now more than I ever have and most likely ever will. He's emotionally vacant, selfish. He showed no emotion about Ds being poorly. He was in resus initially then hooked up to 24 hour monitoring, drips, blood tests, xrays, you name it. DP showed nothing. Just went home and slept.

My DS is the most precious thing in the world. I need to cry and cry and cry but I can't. It sounds dramatic but I feel quite traumatised.

I can feel the resentment already.

I’ve been through similar. You are traumatised, shocked, exhausted. I also suffered anxiety afterwards and needed counselling, so be wary of that and try to look after yourself.

Ex behaved in a similar fashion to your DP and it was the beginning of the end for us. All i needed was a bit of kindness and compassion when I was at my lowest. I got none, he seemed irritated by me. I couldn’t move past it in the end.

I hope you are ok

I think you writing this, going through this has really shown you his true colours.

Moments of tragedy and heartbreak should bring family together. It brings couples together, through love and support. You both needed each other.
In the interest of balance, I didn't see you mention your support to him but I presume that's because you've already given so much of yourself and received fuck all in return.

This is what this is. A one sided relationship. I've been with someone like that. They are a sucking void. They take all you have; your love your sympathy, your energy, your passion, everything that makes you YOU and CRUSH it.
They tell you you're being too sensitive, making an issue out of nothing, that no-one else would have to put up with this, that you're being dramatic, causing an argument etc.

This type of person will take everything from you they can and still demand more.

Don't live like this anymore. It sounds utterly awful. I may be projecting, I don't know. But his reactions or lack of reaction really resonated with me.

I'm so sorry about DS going through this but I'm glad he is on the mend. Perhaps now it's time to mend you and get away from the sucking void?

My DS is the most precious thing in the world. I need to cry and cry and cry but I can't. It sounds dramatic but I feel quite traumatised.

@Cottagepienpeas He absolutely is and thank goodness he's home with you, but that doesn't mean you're not in shock and overwhelmed with the terrifying experience you've just been through.

I really think it's worth asking for some urgent counselling sessions via your GP, or privately if you can spare the funds, because holding it in now could mean it's bottled and bottled and then inevitably implodes or explodes.

It will allow you to get your feelings out in a safe space and also get your thoughts in order, with reassurance from a professional that what you went through is absolutely traumatic and that your disappointment in your partner is valid.

PTSD can come from all sorts of life experiences and trauma of a child being extremely sick is absolutely one of them.

So try to put yourself (and DS of course) first - you need to be well to look after him. You poor thing

OP I'm sorry you've been through this, I'm so glad you're little one is feeling better.

Your post has really resonated with me, DD when she was 2 wks old was very ill, I was told she would not survive. My DP at the time behaved exactly the same way, he gave me one hug when I told our DD wouldn't survive through the night (she was in hospital for 6 weeks on that occasion). I got home the house was a mess and he said he was glad I was back as he could wait to have home cooked dinner. I left a couple of months later.

In comparison my DD (15) had an accident at school that resulted in an A&E visit and 2 nights in hospital. My DP brought me breakfast, dinner and a change of clothes each day, stayed with my DD so could have a shower, held my hand or hugged me, text and called to check how I was throughout. We got home he had made DD's favourite dinner, the house was spotless as he said neither of us were doing anything except rest for a couple of days. To be clear he is not her DF unlike my ex (who came to the hospital once for an hour when she was in).

As a warning you maybe traumatised, it took me 10 years and counselling to describe what had happened to my DD without crying.

It sounds like you've had the measure of the man for some years but you were hoping that somehow, someday, life events would show you that there is more to him - more than selfish, more than incompetent and expectant, more than emotionally stunted. But that 'something' came and, thankfully, went this week and there he was - still selfish, still incompetent, still expectant and apparently still emotionally stunted. Would you ultimately be happier with or without him as he stands today? If not, then walk away now because he won't change, ever.

So pleased that your son is okay. That is a 'worst nightmare' scenario and you must be in total shock

God he sounds awful. for you.

I had one similar who effed off to watch the football whilst our 7 month old was taken into hospital. I am grateful for that now as I saw him for what he was that day and realised I could parent on my own through anything

I would suggest you have some counselling just for you in which you can talk about the trauma and also, when you are ready, what you might want to do about your emotionally detached partner

Hey OP

Sorry to hear this - has he always been like this?

When you first met and throughout your relationship did he demonstrate love and care?

This behaviour sounds at odds to what he previously was like if I’m guessing right?

I wonder if he’s processing it differently and feels helpless?

Not to excuse his behaviour!

Thank you so much for your replies, I will post in the morning.

I couldn’t live with someone so emotionally detached. I couldn’t let my child live with a father who is so emotionally detached.

...nor with a selfish man child who can’t look after himself and the house.

You have had a HUGE shock, your DS is now home, that’s when you have to look after yourself physically, but more importantly mentally. It can be the start of a lot of MH problems. You need to talk to someone - whether that’s a professional or a friend. It’s a BIG deal when your child has a life threatening illness. 🌷

I hope his follow up appointments go well x

You and your baby deserve better.

I went back into hospital two days after my son was born. My husband took my son to my mums and went home. He turned up an hour later with all the snacks I loved. A cd and Walkman with my fav songs on. He had also taken photos of our son and printed them out for me.

He went home and slept with his head next to the cot as he was an incredibly deep sleeper and set his alarm for every hour to wake him up to check on him. I loved that man even more that day than ever before. He is my rock and my world.

That is what a husband is. You deserve someone like that

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, and that he’s offered you absolutely no support.

You’d be better off going it alone than with an emotionally stunted tosser like him

I told him again last night how I feel through snot and tears. He just looked at me with a vacant look as he always does why I try to talk about feelings, emotions etc. He said nothing at all. He has a house up for sale 20 miles away I told him he needs to go there. He said nothing. There is something missing with that man.

Ds is fine, I'm not I feel as though I've been through a huge trauma and stunned actually.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have no one IRL so you've helped massively.

Oh OP You did the right thing asking him to leave though - has he agreed?