Was I expecting too much from DP?

[Cottagepienpeas]

Apologies in advance if I come across as rambling, my brain is fogged over and I'm very overwhelmed with emotion.

Ds 18months has been in hospital for a week with Sepsis. It was very very serious at one point and touch and go. Thankfully, our beautiful is home and on the mend, we are very lucky!

My post is about DP. Yes he was there everyday and given hugs to DS but he was pretty vacant. I know it was tough for him too but he didn't seem to be bothered or think about how I might be feeling. He lay on the hospital bed watching sports falling asleep whilst I'm keeping Ds room tidy, sorting clothes etc. Not once did he bring me a flask of coffee or some snacks to keep me going or even offer. I was running on empty, 10 hours broken sleep in a week. Not ONCE did he ask any questions to the Dr's or nurses about ds condition. Not once. When the Dr said Ds has septicaemia, no reaction from dp, no questions, no emotion, just carried on like Ds is there for a broken toe! He'd go home in the evening, yes he'd text and ask how he is but that's it. Just fed himself, watched football and be asleep by 10pm. HOW CAN HE FALL ASLEEP SO EASY WHEN OUR SON IS SO SICK??? No worry, no concern, nothing.

So we get home. There's clean dishes on the draining board from the day I left. Sink full of dirty dishes. Airer full of washing from the day I left. Wash bin overflowing with dirty laundry then he has the cheek to moan he has no clean pants or socks and didn't know how to use the washer! I was exhausted, she'll shocked, drained, felt like I was swimming through a hellish fog, could hardly function then he pipes up "what time is dinner?"

That evening I sat in the conservatory and cried. From pure relief more than anything. Dp came in, looked at me crying and walked away. No support, no hug, no nothing.

I've had issues for years about his selfishness, lack of appreciation, and his emotional detachment. He's even admitted himself he's emotionally detached. To be this has just proved all he is. Never ever there, never supportive. I really want to walk away.

Was I expecting too much?!?

And let’s face it if he was serious about the relationship he wouldn’t of gone to watch football !

Of course he doesn't want 'this'; he will now have to cook, clean and launder for himself and will have to find someone else to have sex with. He's got everything just how he wants it so won't want anything to change. He would probably say you are both happily married - which brings to mind the joke about the chap who opined "I was happily married for 10 years, until my wife decided she wanted to be happy too". You deserve so much more OP

Not a “Can we sort this out?” Or “I love you, how can I make things better?”

Nope. Just a flat I don’t want this.

Hard luck matey, you saw many times how distressed your wife was and you did nothing.

Of course he doesn’t want this!

I’m assuming he gets his washing and cooking and cleaning done? And sex? And childcare, all with minimal effort? And he doesn’t have to show a shred of emotion? Why would he want to split up?

You, on the other hand; why would you want to stay with that?

You're doing so well @Cottagepienpeas it must be such an awful day and you're being really brave xx

You're not expecting too much. Op I've had 3 major health scares in the past 3 years. My husband couldn't do enough and has been a tremendous emotional support. He has been thoughtless on occasion but receptive / remorseful / understanding when pulled up.

His "I don't want this" is insulting. If he can't acknowledge / admit where he is going wrong and is not receptive to you then nothing will change. Not only does he sound horrible, but he sounds like a slob who the hell cannot keep a house clean when it is just them there?! Talk is cheap.

He’s showing his priorities today- his marriage is on the line, his wife has told him it’s over and he’s off to a football match?!

You’re doing exactly the right thing. Please lock all doors so he can’t just walk in and decide not to leave.x

He still went to the match! I'm so so sorry you're going through this OP. I have a friend with a v similar DH who is currently on the autism diagnosis pathway, the problem is though that the diagnosis doesn't actually change anything.

Hug your DC tight and feel secure in the fact that you did everything right for them, and that they are going to be ok now.

Just a thought op. If he's gone to the football it is likely he will have had a drink so be unable to drive. He may not go quietly.

Football always has come before anything. He's a disgrace. A cold hearted disgrace. I don't think he will cause a scene but I'm on edge.

Is there anyone who can come and sit with you until he's been? Not that I'm saying he'll cause a scene, just to ease your nerves a bit.

You’ll be fine, just keep all doors locked etc, needs be call police. If he Tries to communicate tell him you’ve rung 101 and police are aware and you’ve been advised to call back if need assistance ( and do if you do)

It's not about what he wants, but he's such a determined narcissist he believes the whole world revolves round himself and what he wants.

Hope he just goes.

He won't change. He doesn't care. Football came before his critically ill child.

I am so sorry he is like this but so glad you've been in a position where you could tell him to go and that you've had the strength to do that.

Well done OP. Stay strong. Thinking of you.

Now he's playing the twat, he shouldve been back over an hour ago. I just want him gone 😢

Does he have to come in to the house? If not just close the blinds and lock the doors.

I assume he's off getting trollied.

Can you just lock him out? You’ve left his stuff in the car, so just text again confirming that his things are in the car, he can’t come back to your house and then settle down for the evening, go to bed etc.

Don’t wait round for him, what have you done with car key?

Lock his book ass out! Fuck him, pull the blinds and turn out the lights, put your DS to bed, put your keys in the locks and sit with your phone or laptop in your room. He's being a headfucker because he thinks you're not serious and wants to punish you for not putting up with his selfish behaviour anymore.

Agreed, he's trying to fuck with you. Don't let him. There is no reason for him to come in the house. Send him another text reminding him about the car and key if you feel it's necessary, shut the house up and settle in, run yourself a bath, have a glass of wine and start feeling the relief that he is gone.

I had one like that. There is something missing. Don't bother spending time working out what's wrong or trying to make it better. It won't work, ever,and you will destroy yourself.
Divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour and move on

He's gone. No drama. I despise him.

Well done. You’ve done the best thing for you and your child. You’ve also shown your now ex that his behaviour will not be tolerated and he might seek help or at least realise he does not act normally.

YAY!