I'm really not a very nice person

[notaniceperson71]

So on the surface I am a very nice person, respectable middle-aged lady - kind to everyone, the only person at work to hold the door open for the cleaners, judge people that are rude to waiting staff etc etc

But internally I really am not a very nice person and think the most awful things, I openly admit that most of these are jealousy so not a very nice trait I know for example:-

My close friend's DH has just lost his job, I am being supportive but in reality I am secretly pleased, they might have to downsize from their five bed detached house and cut back on their multiple luxury holidays.

I have a crush on a married colleague (I am also married) and if I had the opportunity to shag him with 100% assurances that no one would ever find out then I would!

One of the ladies in our friendship group has recently started to gain wait and is not ageing well (she was always the slim, pretty one) this pleases me.

I love it when my colleague makes mistakes at work, it makes me look good.

My cat shits in next door's garden, I actively encourage this.

Is anyone else secretly evil or am I just a cunt in disguise?

Same. When a member of the group-therapy group doesn't show up for two weeks, other people in the group start "worrying" they won't come back, or have done something stupid. I don't worry because I don't care. I have no special relationship with these people.

Op, I think you're pretty normal. And you're not that bad. You're sympathetic and supportive too.

But perhaps focus more on you and your stuff than thinking about others.

Should your HD's friend have to downsize and lose all their holidays, I think you will probably feel a bit sorry for them when their new reality strikes.

Tell me how to encourage a cat to poop elsewhere??

That's ok OP. But just know that other people also have similar attitudes, and will take steps to stop cats shitting in their garden. I'm one of them. Just know that your amusement at being a shit person, will one day meet a shittier person.
HTH.

Interesting.

I'm quite naturally empathetic however...

I do know people for whom everything in life is wonderful and I don't think they deserve it...for example, one wealthy woman I know with a fantastic life but is actually not an especially nice person...I'd feel really happy if her relationship fell apart

This used to be me. Then I improved my self-esteem.

How will it show? Seriously, all of those who say everyone will know, what nonsense. Spiteful people are usually openly spiteful. All these butter wouldn't melt types you meet you have absolutely no idea what is going through their heads.

How will it show? Seriously, all of those who say everyone will know, what nonsense. Spiteful people are usually openly spiteful. All these butter wouldn't melt types you meet you have absolutely no idea what is going through their heads

Exactly. Most actual abusive people are extremely charming/nice to the outside world. My father is like this, everyone thinks he’s lovely when he’s a violent and overall terrible person.

Not saying OP is abusive but this stuff is harder to spot than people think.

Maybe your husband has a crush that he too would shag at the drop of a hat.

Everyone is capable of being vile.

And when you're on the receiving end of misfortune or vile behaviour, I think that is when you have a rethink about your own nastiness.

Oh thank you pp. I've just done the : "Enneagram model of personality profiling. " and really enjoyed it.

I have taken schadenfreude to a new level.

I used to have a flush of happiness when my kids would tantrum in Waitrose, because it made me feel so good to give the other mums a chance to have the joy of taking pleasure in my disgrace.

Where is my halo???

I'm always shocked by these threads. I don't think its normal nor human, I think its lowest common denominator behaviour and ppl are fools for lowering themselves and thinking it's ok. Being bitter and small minded is sad. Ppl you're speaking to, who think you're genuine, are at risk from you. I dread to think I come across this sort of thing in women I deal with. And I dont think like it myself. I would have a stern word and a good think if I were like this, and anyone trying to tell me I'm alright like it would out themselves as not very nice.

Make the best of your own life.
Resolve your own problems.
Think up. Work to be positive.
And minimise nastiness. And yes I do think bitter ppl make themselves known.
This is enough for me to shut off mumsnet for a bit, in case nice at face value ppl are secretly hiding their joy at others misfortune.

Ppl you're speaking to, who think you're genuine, are at risk from you.

In what way?

And as for the poster telling OP off for being "unfaithful" in her own head?! . And expressing sadness for her DH, It's called fantasy and it's perfectly normal and does not make OP a bad person.

Thoughts aren't anything, they are like dreams.
I love the following quote and think it is very true:

Watch your thoughts. They become words. Watch your words. They become deeds. Watch your deeds. They become habits. Watch your habits. They become character. Character is everything.

I think it's normal to feel a twinge of glee when something goes wrong for people you don't like. But if you feel that for your friends (to make it clear, friends are people you really like, not just acquaintances) then that is not something you should just accept, you should try and understand why and work on it.

CarolDanvers Except the OP said she would make the fantasy real if she could.

So? I'd only judge a person having these thoughts if they actually acted upon them and hurt others by doing so. There's nothing wrong with these kinds of fantasies. Many people have them and nothing ever happens and everyone just carries on. I'm amazed at the amount of people on here who suggest that thoughts alone, are damaging and wrong and need to be ruthlessly suppressed. All sounds very unhealthy to me. Apparently even your own mind, the only place that's entirely yours and can never be entered by anyone else, shouldn't be a safe space to work through your frustrations, you should be policing yourself constantly. No wonder people have nervous breakdowns.

I think fantasies about an affair you would not act on is fine. If you would have an affair of you could, it means something is not right in your life. It is not about suppressing thoughts, it is about finding out how you can make your life better and doing that, so you don't want to have an affair.

She doesn't want to have an affair. She's got the hots for her colleague and fantasises about him sometimes and that's perfectly ok. It really is. It would become a problem only if she took steps to make something happen.

Personally I find the glee with which people dispense self righteous, exaggerated, shaming judgment both on here and in RL, a far worse trait than a few harmless fantasies and internal snarking at people who sometimes irritate you.

She said she would have an affair if she could.

I have a crush on a married colleague (I am also married) and if I had the opportunity to shag him with 100% assurances that no one would ever find out then I would!

This is not just about a fantasy.

It is.

I don't agree with you. You won't make me agree with you. You think in a very black and white way and I think differently. You have interpreted her words in the way that allows you to have maximum judgment and disgust at them. I have interpreted them as something she knows will never happen but she enjoys fantasising about it anyway. We can all say, I would 100% do something but when it comes right down to it we would balk. Maybe OP wouldn't but until the thought leaves her head and becomes an action then it is just a fantasy and therefore harmless.

Can we leave it there please. I have to walk my dog and "yes it is! vs no it isn't!" discussions do get really dull really quickly don't you think?

@CarolDanvers Whilst you might believe that evil thoughts are ok as they are only thoughts please remember that thoughts can turn into actions! This is the reason why there's a lot of emphasis is placed around mindfulness in order to obtain peace and a successful life ! Your thoughts do control your actions! You are also forgetting that the op has stated that she hasn't acted upon the affair only because of fear of getting caught and not that it's just a fantasy! I'm sure if you found out that you partner has been having thoughts of sleeping with a colleague but wouldn't dare as he fears getting caught you wouldn't be soo understanding now would you ?!!

Yes she may balk at it. No I don't think in a very black and white way. But I ma good at understanding myself. I know sexual fantasies are common. I also know that if I fancy someone that I would never do anything about it. I also know that plenty of people who do fancy someone do do something about it. Affairs are very common. So if given the chance she may balk at it, or she may have an affair.
And it is not judging to say that something is missing in your life if you feel this way. Wanting to have an affair or having an affair either means you are not a nice person, or something is missing.

Yeah those traits are a bit cuntish... But take heart, you're not unique: m.youtube.com/watch?v=DOJbBBSe4oI

Jealous is a nasty trait, it eats away inside you.

I know this from having a sister who is incredibly jealous, she has no friends through being jealous.

CarolDanvers yy to everything you've said. Couldn't have put it better myself.

It's just thoughts though. We all think
things but don't say them out loud. I know I don't , as I like the quiet life and confrontation isn't something I like doing.

I did support a colleague through a bad patch / divorce but a little bit of me thought that she was a lot more to blame than she made out ( her ex wasn't perfect , but she also pulled some big stunts and passed it off as just being 'bored' ) part of me was a bit angry at how much she got away with as i know I wouldn't have done!
We are all capable of being a bit jealous at times or weary of the rubbish you have to put up with, but mostly I'm sympathetic to people and try to help them if I can. I know some people like to reveal in other people's misfortune , but it's not nice really!