I'm really not a very nice person

[notaniceperson71]

So on the surface I am a very nice person, respectable middle-aged lady - kind to everyone, the only person at work to hold the door open for the cleaners, judge people that are rude to waiting staff etc etc

But internally I really am not a very nice person and think the most awful things, I openly admit that most of these are jealousy so not a very nice trait I know for example:-

My close friend's DH has just lost his job, I am being supportive but in reality I am secretly pleased, they might have to downsize from their five bed detached house and cut back on their multiple luxury holidays.

I have a crush on a married colleague (I am also married) and if I had the opportunity to shag him with 100% assurances that no one would ever find out then I would!

One of the ladies in our friendship group has recently started to gain wait and is not ageing well (she was always the slim, pretty one) this pleases me.

I love it when my colleague makes mistakes at work, it makes me look good.

My cat shits in next door's garden, I actively encourage this.

Is anyone else secretly evil or am I just a cunt in disguise?

Yes I mean that could be a confidence thing. So, if you didn;t care about ageing you wouldn't worry about the friend ageing. and if not worried about work / making mistakes you wouldn't worry about that either.

If it helps any i feel cross / more those kind of thoughts when tired hormonal or people have got to me.

We all have thoughts and feelings, try not to judge yourself so harshly. Even saying you feel like a bad person because of it, shows awareness. If people had these thoughts and worse, acted on them in some way and didn't care, now that would be a different thing.

Carole i dont think anyone has been that black and white, have they? Surely you can believe that some people jsut don't think like this? Or thst they did when they were miserable or had unresolved issues but as theyve got happier and more secure they dont need to feel like this any more.

I think a few have yes. Maybe have a read back?

I'm sure some people don't think like this and that's fine. But many do and that's fine too.

Well, I'd say its slightly less fine to have these thoughts, they sound intrusive and unpleasant, but i guess if you can live with it then that's fine!

Only in your opinion are they intrusive and unpleasant. For me they pass through my mind, I might have an inward smirk and then I carry on with my day.

This is why we can all be helped by mindfulness- letting thoughts come and go and not judging them

Yes and not taking them too seriously.

I think fistfulofdolores has it spot on. Generally, these aren't thoughts that you actively think (badly phrased there, but you get the point), they happen to you.

I have friends who I have for decades and I do love them and wouldn't ever "stab them in the back" but I occasionally get thoughts about them like the OP's. If I was an omnipotent being, I wouldn't wish for X to happen but, depending on what it was, I might feel quite satisfied if it did.
It happened a lot more when I was younger.

I think it depends, most people might have these thoughts creep up on them at moments of weakness but it’s abour having the will power to not entertain such thoughts.

I wouldn’t generally feel this way about situations you mentioned.. if I did, I would realize my friend deserves better and I would keep my distance until I cure my inner evil

I read somewhere that the mind is like a monkey

Mischievous and restless.

Anyway I want to thank everyone on the thread including the OP

It has really been a great ‘discussion’ of differing views and for that I am grateful at least.

It is good to shine a light on our darkest corners - myself included!

All these moments pass and tomorrow is another day!

The fact you know the things you're thinking aren't very nice says something. Some people would think them and not realise they were being mean.
I can't say I feel the same as OP about most things but if something bad happened to someone who had been vile to me then yes, I would be secretly pleased.

I agree with Fazackerley, it's irksome to keep being told that 'everybody feels like that', 'everybody does it'. No. No they don't. I feel sorry for the OP that something is so wrong for them that they post a thread like this because they need validation for their views. I think that's quite sad.

We all have different ways of dealing with things and our own internal 'barometers' of what's acceptable and what isn't. It's useful to know where other people's barometers are because 'birds of a feather' isn't just a saying.

I said on another thread that Mumsnet has really changed from what it was and it was the royal wedding/royal baby threads that showed me the polarisation. I can't imagine even having acquaintances that share some of those views, they're vile.. and there are so many women who seem to really enjoy ripping other women apart, women they don't even know. I just can't find common ground with that.

I don't think anybody is perfect, I think that we all do have darker sides to us but I also think that there are different shades of 'dark' and somebody else's shade might be something we can't stomach.

I remember watching this video by Jordan Peterson a while ago about how we all think we are good people but we are all much worse than we think.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Uj1iQiJo3Cg

I don’t agree with everything he says but he is a clinical psychologist. To the people slating the OP because you don’t have the same bad thoughts as her, good for you but I’m sure there are things about you other people would be equally repulsed by.

You aren’t a good person because you are nice to friends/family. How do you treat people who aren’t people you like?

Having these thoughts doesnt make the op a bad person, but i woukd assume someone getting so much satisfaction from others discomfort is either troubled or lacking in empathy.

True

We’re only a few steps away from Lord of the Flies..

I’m also acutely aware that we’re only three meals away from a revolution!

@Sofagirl - I'm with you. What a ride it's been!

OP, you should look within yourself why are you having these feelings of jealousy, resentment and judgement. What is going on in your own life that makes you feel that way? I believe this stems from lack of self-love. Are you overly critical with yourself, your appearance, your thoughts, actions? If you truly love yourself and are happy with yourself, then you are ok when people around you are doing well, are happy. When you compare yourself to others and only see what’s lacking in your life instead of all the things you should be grateful for, it starts eroding joy and love and happiness out of your own life. Don’t look for answers Externally, everything you need to know is within you. Just spend some time quieting your mind, being in nature alone, just simply being instead of doing, and love and cherish yourself more, be kind to yourself and the world around you will start to appear a lot more kinder and friendlier place.

You keep saying this Fazackerley but you're exaggerating. No one is "getting so much satisfaction". They're fleeting thoughts. For me anyway. OP listed a few of the thoughts she has, she didn't come back and try to convince anyone of the "rightness" of her thoughts. She's admitted they're unpleasant hence the title of her thread. She wasn't seeking agreement or to feel justified in having them. Someone who was troubled or distressed by them would be believing them and ruminating over them consistently and nowhere has OP said anything like that.

It seems like the OP is being light hearted and a bit tongue in cheek but it does remind me of the problems that some people experience with OCD (another diagnosis for you OP!)

When people say thoughts are just thoughts I think for most people these types of thoughts are so fleeting - they simply pass through our minds as they are so fleeting - we disown them so quickly that we don't have any memory of them but people with some kinds of OCD will place undue emphasis on the fact that they had the thought and be appalled and ashamed of it. They remember their bad thoughts and can think that because they have had the thought that they are bad/evil etc when IMO most of us have the thought and toss it away moving on to other more pleasant thoughts. That's how I understand it anyway.

OP's not a bad person. They've recognised that they're not very nice to their friends and as many people have said - sounds like a symptom of a deeper unhappiness.

Like you have listed all of the things good in your life - nice house, good job etc, why are you caught up in judging people on their misfortunes rather than enjoying your good fortune?

I grew up with a very very critical mother so the voice in my head is ruthless. Realising that, and that it's something I can change, into thinking good thoughts, compassion for others and seeing good in my life, has changed my life too.

The worst thing about your voice that's thinking bitchy things about the people in your life and enjoying the bad things that happen - that voice will talk to you too.

I know, from myself, how exhausting that is. Why not have a little mercy, some empathy, give some leeway, for yourself and others. People aren't living life to your standard? That's okay. Someone being silly and stupid? Let it go

I hope you find peace, somehow. That inner voice is like a cannibal - it's rude about other people but it'll be vicious about yourself too.

If you dont think the OP is getting satisfaction from bad things happening to others i suggest that you go back and read the OP.

An interesting thread and I have read every comment so far.

It seems to me that some people did not ‘get’ that the OP was using a degree of comic irony and facetiousness to underpin a truth about humanity:- that we are all motivated by basic human instincts and emotions. It seems to me that the issue here was not about behaviour but about self awareness.

The degree to which the virtue signallers and those who are certain they are ‘nice’ people jumped in to assert how wonderful they are and how awful the OP is revealed that there are many unselfaware individuals. Though, of course, they might well be uncomplicated and simple souls who have drifted through the world without much observation of others or knowledge of psychology or human nature.

The point is that the OP clearly possesses a moral framework which impels her to behave well. But she is not so stupid or brainwashed as to believe, like Candide and Pollyanna, that everything is great and everyone is perfect. She is aware and honest.

Surely the comment about cats, which are independent and uncontrollable, should have alerted readers to the tongue in cheek nature of the post?

I am always wary of ‘nice’ people. In my experience they are usually mad, bad or sad.

'Comic irony' and 'facetiousness' probably spill over with the schadenfreude into being really unpleasant to be around! As a friend I really enjoy when my mates are facetious as well as barely containing their pleasure when I fail

What a ridiculous post.

Its amazing what contortions people will twist themselves into to judge people who say they don't have these kind of thoughts.

It's not lack of self awareness, its actually often the opposite. There are plenty of posters on this thread that have said, yes, i used to have thoughts like this, then when I became happier and more secure they went away.

Being pleased that someone might lose their house because their dh has lost their job is childish and shallow at best, downright nasty at worst.

You can mention Candide all you like teacher, your post will sound silly to posters who dont have these thoughts, or if they do see them as something that suggests all is not right in their world.

does it make you feel better to say nasty things, at least mine stay in my head

But they didn't did they? You started a thread and told 16 million people your thoughts on your friends.

And as much as you may not like the comments back at least the comments aren't to a friend.

And for my part if a friend told me what you have started a thread about I'd say the exact same thing, it's not normal to gloat in thr face of friends misery, it comes from a place of unhappiness and to try to solve those areas of unhappiness.