I'm really not a very nice person

[notaniceperson71]

So on the surface I am a very nice person, respectable middle-aged lady - kind to everyone, the only person at work to hold the door open for the cleaners, judge people that are rude to waiting staff etc etc

But internally I really am not a very nice person and think the most awful things, I openly admit that most of these are jealousy so not a very nice trait I know for example:-

My close friend's DH has just lost his job, I am being supportive but in reality I am secretly pleased, they might have to downsize from their five bed detached house and cut back on their multiple luxury holidays.

I have a crush on a married colleague (I am also married) and if I had the opportunity to shag him with 100% assurances that no one would ever find out then I would!

One of the ladies in our friendship group has recently started to gain wait and is not ageing well (she was always the slim, pretty one) this pleases me.

I love it when my colleague makes mistakes at work, it makes me look good.

My cat shits in next door's garden, I actively encourage this.

Is anyone else secretly evil or am I just a cunt in disguise?

@cherry2727

And the post from sofagirl wishing me to get cancer is acceptable right?

Hmmmm I wonder if any of this helpful advice is sinking in to OP yet?

Obviously not otherwise you wouldn’t be targeting me all the time...

I notice you’ve not said a word about anyone else’s counter posts

Your aware enough to know your not a nice person so I wonder why what I’ve said irks you so much

Sorry I can’t jump on your bandwagon and pat you on the back

Have fun with your nasty floating insecure jealous life.

Karmas a bitch so you’d better welcome it with open arms!

Hey OP

If I said I would offer you sympathy but then secretly gloat about it - would that be ok?

Because by your logic it would?

So I don’t see what your problem is...

Sometimes truth hurts eh?

Why do so many insist “everyone does it” the claim people who say they don’t must be lying. Just because you are a certain way, doesn’t mean everyone is.

I have never wished ill on anyone. I can’t recall ever feeling glad that someone else is going through something shitty.

There was a girl at our school who was such a pain in the ass, she was really quite spiteful and by all accounts hadn’t changed that much. My sister sent me a snapshot of one of her posts and it was about her two year old having a rare genetic condition and she was really struggling to come to terms with it. I can’t imagine thinking “oh good, she deserves that” That doesn’t make me perfect or holier than thou, it just means I’m not a spiteful person.

If it makes anyone feel better to think I am a liar, so be it, no skin off my nose. But maybe hold back on the shitty responses, given you’re all, allegedly, very good at keeping those awful thoughts to yourselves.

Crumbs! Think this is getting too heavy for me! Sorry I voiced an opinion!

I've read the whole thread and it's really nasty. Fwiw i agree with asleep.

Bad things happen to all of us. Some of us have more empathy than others and understand this.

Hope you find some peace OP.

I THINK we all think shit things, it's being human no? I always try to question my thoughts though. I try not to revel in terrible thoughts about other people for the most part but I'm human. I wouldn't sleep with someone else's husband though mainly because I like myself and that's pretty toxic and ugly. There's a big difference between thinking stuff and doing stuff.

Cherry I really wouldn't take it to the extreme of trust no one, I do agree with other posters that you can tell the people who do this, and they likely don't have any real friends. Simply acquaintances.

I guess some folks on here will be gloating rhe op doesn't have any real friends though, and that she's envious of slim people, who have great holidays or nice houses, as the implication is she's overweight, lives in a house she doesn't like, isn't very good at her job, and can't afford nice holidays, so she will be ok with people gloating about it. Even those she calls friends in real life.

You get what you give really.

It’s interesting living long enough to see the end of stories, it can give what has gone before a new perspective. I have had bad thoughts about people in my family.
One of them had some awful things happen, and I was honestly surprised that my main emotion was pity not satisfaction.
There is a world of difference between fantasy and reality.

PatriciaBateman has it spot on i think.

they likely don't have any real friends. Simply acquaintances

This is such primary school nonsense. I have friends I have had for decades, who think I am hilarious, loyal and supportive, because I am . You can keep telling yourself that big meanies like me won't have real friends and will be punished for being such shit people, ie they don't think like YOU. But it's such a limited way to think "you all have to be just like me or you'll have a bad life and no one will like you". Even my twelve year old has more emotional intelligence than that!

I think the poster who talked about that inner voice - that seems to carry on regardless of our attempts to censor it - has hit on a seam of accuracy. It's not so much that we think these thoughts as they happen to us. (And that is not to eschew responsibility for them; they are ours, and ours alone.)

Some of us have harsher inner critics than others. Sometimes that critic turns on us; other times it turns on others. It's nothing we can help ... but we can learn to accept it, take responsibility for it, and learn to deal with it.

I also think it is entirely telling that those who purport to be on the side of right and good are the ones who are dealing out a shit-ton of invective on the OP.

People. Glass houses.

People who don't think like this aren't necessarily virtue signalling. Some people don't have these thoughts. Perhaps they are more assertive in real life so just don't need to have these thoughts.

@Bluntness100

But I do have lots of friends, I am slim, I do live in a nice house and go on nice holidays, oh and I'm very good at my job too.

I think a lot of people have misjudged me from my original post - I don't 'constantly' have these thoughts as some people have mentioned, I have never wished anyone harm, illness or death or to be homeless etc.

Some people have been very nasty and I can honestly say I think you are the people with issues and are unhappy with your lives, does it make you feel better to say nasty things, at least mine stay in my head.

OP in case the is helpful, sometimes a more understanding place to post about identifying too much with thoughts and judging yourself as a 'bad person' etc could be somewhere like Elefriends it might be better? as Mumsnet can be really crap for some stuff like that as people like to feel better / more superior etc (well some anyway) and it can be hard when feeling low anyway.

here is a link. It is run and moderated by Mind. It's a lovely understanding place when here gets a bit much! www.elefriends.org.uk/

@Fazackerley - I think there's some truth to that. But I do think we all have the capacity to think them; and that sometimes we hide them from ourselves enough to believe we don't.

So why do you think ypu have these thoughts OP? It sounds really tiring.

When I was a bit depressed and stuck in a rut and generally feeling unhappy I used to think like this.

Then I made some changes and now I feel much more happy and settled and peaceful within myself.

One way I recognised this was that I no longer felt bitter and genuinely felt happy for people. Could be a sign you're unhappy OP.

@notaniceperson71 - The danger of posting something like this in a forum is that you'll get very harsh responses, particularly from those who either have no idea what you're on about (for whatever reason), or from those who feel your post is destabilising.

Then, of course, there's the reason why you posted it in the first place, and what you wanted to get from it - both consciously and unconsciously.

Whatever the reason, don't believe your bad press. Really. We're all just muddling through at times. I write this as someone who often feels like they're muddling through. I've had enough therapy about that to at least be honest about my struggles.

Well, most people probably have thoughts such as 'so and so has aged, quite quickly' or 'workmate has made mistakes' but the thing is about then, feeling better that whose things are true, maybe some people don't have that part.

@Fazackerley

Exactly. I don’t wish people ill or gloat when they suffer misfortune.

My own life is crazy busy enough without that pointless negative energy going nowhere

As they say jealousy is like a poison in which you are the vessel - it is only harming yourself

I’m truthful in real life. I can’t see how to be otherwise. If I don’t like someone I won’t be friends with them.

If I’m friends with someone I certainly don’t delight when I hear bad news

I wish them well and hope that things pick up for them.

Yes i prorbably had occasional thoughts like that when i was younger. But when you've lived through genuinely sad times then those kind of thoughts seem so petty and unnecessary. I know I'll be accused of being patronising but i feel a bit sorry for the OP and those who think regular thoughts like this.

The post about the person who was rude to a pg woman whose dd went on to lose her baby and the pg woman felt glad really shocked me. And I'm bloody far from perfect!

I think people who divide everyone they meet into Goodies and Baddies are actually very emotionally unhealthy. If someone admits to a mean thought or act and you consign that person to the Baddie List; convinced that every thought and action they have or commit is spiteful and vicious, so much so that they can't possibly have friends, they can't possibly really like or love anyone that they're bitter and twisted and Bad People, then that is a problem with your thinking and emotional intelligence. I know people in RL like this and they are by far the unhappiest and uptight people I know; so ready to take offence and treat anyone they don't agree with as beneath contempt. Thinking this way can actually be a symptom of poor mental health, even personality disorders and you should probably take a look at yourself especially if you are in the habit of using their "Bad Behaviour" as an excuse to vilify and attack them has been done by certain posters on this thread.

Yep, @CarolDanvers - that's splitting.