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Original poster

Relationship with boss

171 replies

user1471514421 · 09/05/2019 15:05

Afternoon everyone

I have a very delicate situation at the moment which I am unsure how to handle or if even need to address.

I have been working with current organisation for 1 year, I work closely, in the work sense and in the physical sense, our desks are about 5ft from each other, with the CEO.

There is constant banter in the office, there are 6 of us in total, however the conversations tend to change when it is just CEO, another colleague and I. CEO is always making jokes that tend to include me alot, even if I haven't been involved in the initial chat. I find he appears to joke in front of others but is different with me one to one. I also feel his gaze lingers a little longer than with others

There was banter earlier today and he made a comment along the lines of, ' if I was married to you, I would have you chained to the sink'. I was a bit taken aback and the conversation ended.

I suppose I am confused if this is just banter or if there is something more to this and I am very conscious this is my boss. I would appreciate any advice.

Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 09:36

vdbfamily I think that is sound advice thank you

OP posts:

IABUQueen · 12/05/2019 09:55

Op, you might benefit from finding a way to include your husband and discussing with him.

But before you send him into panicky attack’s, my advice is :

1- figure out a way to erupt some boundaries
2- tell your husband what happened and how you resolved it with boundaries .

You need constant support until you figure out how to get out of this

TW1 · 12/05/2019 13:20

OP , what industry do you work in ?

Original poster

user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 15:38

Its finance. My dh answer to this would be tell him to F of!

OP posts:

GenuineNonsense · 12/05/2019 16:09

OP I've been in a very similar situation (still am kinda) with a manager at work. It all sounds horribly familiar.

He's attractive, great at his job, generally a good manager. But he's not a good guy and has a terrible reputation. When he first started hitting on me, he'd split from his wife and I knew for a fact I wasn't the only one he was trying it on with.

But I fell for it anyway (always had a vague crush on him, which didn't help) He's back with his wife, but that hasn't stopped him (though it has stopped my involvement in it) I occasionally have to contact with her too through work, and it freaks me out.

Basically, he really messed with my head and it absolutely wasn't worth it.

Distance yourself

Original poster

user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 16:32

GenuineNonsense so this guy was clearly hitting on you? Did you start a relationship

OP posts:

DotForShort · 12/05/2019 19:04

I think it would be in your best interests to distance yourself from the office banter. Just be polite and professional, don't engage in anything that might be tipping into dangerous territory.

However, I do wonder whether this whole thread is just an extended exercise in Mentionitis.

clearlyclueless · 12/05/2019 19:26

You sound flattered OP. Be careful you don't get too carried away. This guy knows exactly what he's doing, it's more than likely a well worn path... by the sounds of it he's reeling you in hook, line and sinker. He's done this before.

GenuineNonsense · 12/05/2019 21:56

@user1471514421 He was, but it wasn't immediately obvious, to me at least, despite knowing his reputation, because I'm an idiot

I did end up seeing fooling around with him for a while and it messed with my head. We still work together (though not in the same building) and I see him occasionally/speak to him quite a lot in a work capacity.

He hasn't changed. He still says vaguely inappropriate things/innuendos etc. It's generally just accepted that 'that's what he's like'

As far as I'm aware he's still seeing other people, I don't think his wife knows.

Original poster

user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 22:05

GenuineNonsense thank you for the background. I am sure it is difficult for you still having to see him.

I can relate to your idiot comment as I feel like that! I really dont think he says anything majorly obvious that is trying it on. For example he has said things like when I am cold, I would give you a hug but that would be inappropriate or that he is too old for me. Nothing major

OP posts:

IABUQueen · 12/05/2019 22:07

It’s enough user to know that he is being “unprofessional” regardless of his intentions.

notfromworcester · 12/05/2019 22:15

He's a winker. Says it all.

Original poster

user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 22:17

notfromworcester that made me laugh! Is being a winker awful?

OP posts:

notfromworcester · 12/05/2019 22:20

Well I posted it flippantly but tbh the only workplace winkers I've ever known have also generally been workplace wankers.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking all these special signs are just for you. That's how they operate

Original poster

user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 22:23

Yes am beginning to see that. Big changes from tomorrow

OP posts:

IABUQueen · 12/05/2019 22:27

I suggest a neutral way to set things straight,

When he says stupid jokes or comments about hugging you, even if he has the best most platonic of all intentions, this response should not do any harm :

Chuckle, “let’s stay professional shall we?”.
Or “That’s a bit unprofessional don’t ya think” and then disengage from his attention..

stressedoutpa · 12/05/2019 22:27

Ugh!

Have come across a few of these in my time....

Don't bother to even go there. Talk about your husband A LOT. Change your profile pictures to romantic ones of you and DH. Make it very clear you are not up for fun. It's not worth it.

Original poster

user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 22:37

Yes outside of anything else, it is unprofessional and he changes. Thank you all for your advice, invaluable as always

OP posts:

Happynow001 · 12/05/2019 22:38

For example he has said things like when I am cold, I would give you a hug but that would be inappropriate or that he is too old for me. Nothing major
OP. Can you really not see, yourself, this is inappropriate? Especially on top of the other comments he's made eg if I was married to you, I would have you chained to the sink'.

He is misbehaving but your boundaries are woeful. You really should consider getting some professional, real-life 1:1 counselling to help you because you are just going round and round in circles here.

You have much more to lose (your personal and professional reputation and integrity for example) than your boss does if either you do allow yourself to get closer to him or if your work colleagues (or your husband) perceive - incorrectly or not - that there is more to this than currently.

Please look into your own self-preservation because I'm sure your boss certainly would if the situation demanded it.

Original poster

user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 22:51

Happynow001 your post has hit a nerve, as I know you are right. Yes my boundaries are woeful, I struggle with that. I suppose I have only ever known to accept shit.

He has said to me in my performance review, that I need to find my line. I wonder is he testing me

OP posts:

TW1 · 12/05/2019 23:00

Tell him what happened to the Ted Baker founder Kelvin and how you thought it was great he was publicly humiliated for his inappropriate behaviour towards young women ?

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