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Original poster

Relationship with boss

171 replies

user1471514421 · 09/05/2019 15:05

Afternoon everyone

I have a very delicate situation at the moment which I am unsure how to handle or if even need to address.

I have been working with current organisation for 1 year, I work closely, in the work sense and in the physical sense, our desks are about 5ft from each other, with the CEO.

There is constant banter in the office, there are 6 of us in total, however the conversations tend to change when it is just CEO, another colleague and I. CEO is always making jokes that tend to include me alot, even if I haven't been involved in the initial chat. I find he appears to joke in front of others but is different with me one to one. I also feel his gaze lingers a little longer than with others

There was banter earlier today and he made a comment along the lines of, ' if I was married to you, I would have you chained to the sink'. I was a bit taken aback and the conversation ended.

I suppose I am confused if this is just banter or if there is something more to this and I am very conscious this is my boss. I would appreciate any advice.

Help!

OP posts:
Ormally · 11/05/2019 23:47

About the dark side to 'loyal'? Not sure if this is a term he has yet used, but he might, and I wanted to alert you to this being a problematic one in some respects. Sounds good. Isn't wise.

Loyal = to him. Possibly to the company. But it may mean he realises you will put up with a lot that many would not, and that he is confident you'll stick by him even when logic or more objective feelings would not support this stance.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 11/05/2019 23:48

Sarcelle no I have seen this guy as an expert in this field, someone to look up to and was so pleased to work alongside him to develop and grow. But things have changed

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 11/05/2019 23:54

Op giving your background of abuse I understand your confusion now..

Your relationship with your own father might be shedding some light into how you view this man now .. you might be abusing yourself and finding this as your comfort zone.. you need to get help.

He is grooming you. He is a total egoistic man who is designed to push boundaries until he finds the type of woman who is vulnerable enough to give in ... and then he will toy with you so he will feel more in control and boost his ego.

You are vulnerable to grooming.

You are seeking validation from this man because he reminds you of an abuser who was in a position of trust, who you naturally seeker approval from and validation...

You have underlying issues with self esteem.. you are still not over your abuse

Please don’t let it drag on and ruin your future

Hugs Flowers

IABUQueen · 11/05/2019 23:59

You do sound like you are reverting back to teenage mode.. I mean that in a respectful way..

I think perhaps something happened in your teenage years that’s making you emotionally still stuck there when it comes to relationships with creepy men like this ?

pinkgloves · 12/05/2019 00:03

He has told me my work is excellent, that I need to work on me as a person. I see now, I have placed so much emphasis on pleasing him, maybe I have lost sight of how far I should go to please my boss.

Again, it sounds like you're being groomed. It doesn't just happen to teenagers.

He's a fucking creep. Don't ruin your marriage for such a sleazy guy, value yourself more than that.

EatenByDinosaurs · 12/05/2019 00:06

I completely agree with others, he is grooming you and you childhood makes you an easier target. I had a shitty childhood too, and it really does mess up your perception of boundaries.

I do actually run any situations I'm not sure of past my DH, he's very astute and I trust him to have my best interests at heart, unlike your boss who has his own agenda.
An agenda which you can bet isn't focussing on your long term happiness.

I also genuinely wouldn't care whether anyone was attracted to me or not, I don't find it flattering, just uncomfortable tbh. The only times (pre DH) I've been trying to work out if the other person is attracted to me is when I've been interested too, even if I told myself I wasn't.

I am also quite stunned the chained to the sink didn't make you run screaming, or his blatant lack of respect for you and your marriage. It doesn't speak well of his character. That sounds Victorian but i'm struggling with words tonight for some reason.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 00:12

The chained to the sink comment was the one that made me think about this, but if I'm honest it was the part which he said if I was married to you which did it. Is that terrible??

I definitely do have self esteem issues and am a people pleaser. He is the one who tells me I need to find my line in work and be stronger

OP posts:
Mythreefavouritethings · 12/05/2019 00:21

I mean this with kindness, OP, but this is just intensifying things. It’s nearly 1 o’clock in the morning and you are still mulling this over. Is your DH around? These thoughts are just swirling round like tepid bath water. I’m not sure where else there is to go with this, as others have said, you are just ruminating over ifs and maybes. It’s a mental cul-de-sac, nowhere to go. Who knows what’s in his head? This isn’t helpful for you, surely. Hope you get some sleep.

Mythreefavouritethings · 12/05/2019 00:21

Oh, thought it was later, still gone midnight anyway.

EatenByDinosaurs · 12/05/2019 00:26

Yes, the "if I was married to you..." serves several purposes, it pushes the boundaries a bit by not at all subtly encouraging your brain to go down the lines of imagining yourself in a non work relationship with him.

It was also a test to see whether you'd shut that line of inquiry down, he was testing how loyal you are to your DB.

EatenByDinosaurs · 12/05/2019 00:27

Gross typo there. Meant your DH, unless your name is Cersei and those two terms are interchangeable! Grin

Rainbowlampshade · 12/05/2019 00:33

Jesus some of the replies on here..

Op as a women that worked in a make orientated environment the biggest asset I learned was to bide my time and pick my battles.

Yes it would be awesome if this shit didn’t go on but it does and tbh it’s not going to change any time soon.

Yeah he may find you attractive, but also the girl that sells him coffee and all the rest.

If he genuinely makes you feel awkward then report him. If he make any astounding derogatory remarks - report him. Other wise keep your head down and crack on with your work.

Don’t fantasies about him being nice to you, it’s irrelevant. You want the experience and the knowledge. When you get that move jobs.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 00:38

Rainbowlampshade thank you. You seem to understand. It's a tough call, I need this to work

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 00:39

He doesn't make me feel awkward. I suppose I feel nervous around him as I feel he is watching my every move and I want to do a good job

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 00:42

I dont think I am imagining it but there is something, even when we are alone and there is no talking, there is just something I cant put my finger on. Maybe it's my nerves

OP posts:
YemenRoadYemen · 12/05/2019 03:44

If you remain professional, you can't go too far wrong.

I know it's easy to think of responses after the event, but the natural response to the 'chained to the sink' comment is, 'it's a good thing I'm not, then'.

It doesn't have to be said in a confrontational or rude way, but it should be said, to close down that line of 'banter'.

God, why do women need to tread on eggshells around men like this? You think things have moved on, but they so haven't.

He's not behaving well, and you're the one who has to deal with it.

I have some sympathy, as you're young (not meant patronisingly), and have issues from your past. And you value your job. Those of us who've been around the block would relish the chance to put someone like this very quickly back in their box (of course, he'd be unlikely to try it with someone like that, which is part of the problem).

It's not right or fair that you have to put up with this crap.

SoHotADragonRetired · 12/05/2019 07:33

You really really really need to change jobs. As in, start polishing your CV and applying today. Being around this guy is going to be really bad for you. And unless this job and your boss matters more than your marriage... go.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 08:39

Just to clarify this wa my thinking - 1) establish was there something here (self doubt etc unable to do so 2) if something up, then tackle it. This job on paper suits my life, I would need to be out of my mind to leave, although it is stressful and challenging

OP posts:
Exploration2018 · 12/05/2019 08:50

"Also, since when, as a woman, has it become not ok if a guy happens to pay a little attention even if woman is married"

When it is your boss. When the person has a position of power over you.
You seem to be confusing approval of your work and approval in a fancying sense. I would be offended if my boss valued me because of an attraction. It would devalue my work contribution.
You should have called him out on such a sexist comment.

LolaSmiles · 12/05/2019 09:06

You seem to be confusing approval of your work and approval in a fancying sense. I would be offended if my boss valued me because of an attraction. It would devalue my work contribution
Spot on.

There's a healthy amount of workplace encouragement and then there's fantasizing over being fancied based on some inappropriate comments.

My boss passes opportunities to staff to help them develop, give opportunities, and is generally good at praising staff for their efforts, but not once have I found myself wondering if there's an attraction there.

OP
He may well be encouraging you professionally, but lots of people have told you with some comments he has overstepped the mark and is pushing the envelope.
There isn't anything to tackle. You behave professionally, do your job and stop spending your weekends wondering if he fancies you.

Bodear · 12/05/2019 09:08

OP, can you expand on your step 2? What does “if something is up” mean and how do you think you might then tackle it?

SoHotADragonRetired · 12/05/2019 09:11

I knew you would say something about how you couldn't leave this job. I knew it. Because this kind of boundary-pushing jackass always has some kind of line about how you're amazing but also nobody else would want you, about how he alone sees your potential (and also your tits).

Let's recap: however good at his job he might be and however much you might admire him in that regard, he's making sexual comments to you (and massively sexist ones to boot). You have a history of abuse and are vulnerable to manipulators (which this man is). You also claim to value your DH, yet you're all starry eyed and "intrigued" over this man and positively desperate for us to tell you about how he wants you. Is your marriage more important than a job, or not? Because there are always other jobs. They may not be easy to find or perfect, but if one boss values you enough to hire you, so will others. Others that won't deliberately mess with your vulnerable head.

Rainbowlampshade · 12/05/2019 09:22

user it’s your sub conscience telling you to be on alert because he has already crossed boundaries. Then because of conditioning the other part of your brain justifies it in to something else.

It’s not fair that women get treated like this and when you stand up to it you get classed as a trouble causer.

However if I walked out of every job the manager went past an entirely professional boundary I’d have never continued with my career.

I’m not talking about sucking up sexual harassment just disconnect from looking up to him and counter act shite office banter - if you can be arsed.

vdbfamily · 12/05/2019 09:24

Having read all your comments my thoughts are this. This will only be more than a work relationship of you let it. If you are happily married and just respect this guy as your manager then this also needs to be clear to him. Do not overthink what he does and says. Do not react at all unless it is totally inappropriate at which stage it would be good to remind him you are married. If you socialise as a team, talk about your husband and life outside work so he is clear you are happily married. Do not give him any excuse to think you may be considering a fling with him. You need to take back control here. If he is trying it on, he will soon get the message lid and clear and you can get on with focusing on your job.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 12/05/2019 09:34

Yes I find it so hard to think of responses on the spot.

Well if it is evident is being inappropriate I would need to address it, even subtly. I need to learn how to deal with these scenarios

OP posts:
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