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Original poster

Book club making me very uncomfortable

164 replies

lolaflores · 09/05/2019 07:20

I am a reader. I enjoy the company of other readers and getting recommendations, usually about fiction but I enjoy biography and love history.
A few months ago I joined a book club, something I have never done, probably because I didn't know about any near me. A friend introduced me to other friends of hers.
This friend is very invovled (borderline obssessed) with a certain topic. Its an issue that I have experienced and have been scarred for life from (not an exaggeration). I have been very boundaried with her on the topic, explained that it is difficult for me when she wants to talk endlessly about it and she has calmed down a bit.

However, everything now at the bookclub is directed to this subject. She sends links in the whatsapp group and this months book is on the topic. I wasn;t at the meet up when it was chosen but I got sent the link.

I honetsly cant read it. From the bottom of my heart, I have asked myself to just try it, be objective, but I am struggling to bring myself to even buy it.
Its got to the point now where I don't want to go anymore. Every conversation comes back round to the subject when she is around. It makes me deeply uncomfortable and upsets me. It is suffocating me
.
I am with people I don't know and who don't know me though it is a to;pic everyone has some experience of, all different but personal. Then it turns into a kind of group therapy thing. Except I don't want to have to talk about it in those conditions but I feel like if I go, I won't have a choice. Reading the book is like consenting to having to share with people something I don't think I want to.

OP posts:
HelloYouTwo · 09/05/2019 07:22

That sounds horrible. Just leave the group! You don’t know these people. You can just walk away. Delete and block the WhatsApp and find a different book group. Most book groups don’t work like this one!

CherryPavlova · 09/05/2019 07:25

That doesn’t sound like a healthy, fun book club at all. I would withdraw from that and maybe find a more normal one.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 09/05/2019 07:25

Leave the group 🤷🏻‍♀️

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dudsville · 09/05/2019 07:26

Look after yourself. You don't have to do that book club. It's unfortunate since you like the concept of them so much, but there might be others you could settle into note comfortably.

HumpHumpWhale · 09/05/2019 07:27

Either leave the group altogether, or at least skip this month. There is no reason to put yourself through this stress.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2019 07:30

I think you just need to leave and block. Sounds like she has some unresolved issues around this subject and wants to therapy them out for free. You dint have to be a part of that. And you don't have to explain why you'reeaving unless you wNt to. Just say it isn't working for you x

Fazackerley · 09/05/2019 07:32

Definitely leave. What's the book?

MyCatHogsTheBed · 09/05/2019 07:33

Definitely skip this book. And yes, maybe the club in general, that does not sound like a healthy dynamic.

thenightsky · 09/05/2019 07:34

It sounds like a very dull book club if it's always the same subject tbh. I'd be rolling my eyes and/or saying so. Can you find a Reader's Group via your local library instead? I'm in one and it's really good. You don't even have to buy a book... The library provides them.

IhavetoD0something · 09/05/2019 07:34

Leave the book club!! I have left 2 book clubs. The first because they used to meet in each others'hous3s and they all lived in perfect gorgeous period houses and i live in a tiny shabby 1980's terrace. I would just go with that now. Be a good host and not apologise for my house but a few years ago.... i wasnt comfortable with it so i left and felt relief.

The second book club i left, they met in a coffee shop but the books would have taken a month to plough through and i had a job!!

Both tim3s i felt relief. Life too short to read books somebody else chose. I understand where ur coming from i think. I cant read abuse where abusive relationships are fiction. Cant.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 09/05/2019 07:36

Is it possible that other members are feeling same as you?

I'd be tempted to post a message on the WhatsApp group saying something along the lines of "Just to let you know that I won't be reading this month's book as I find the topic too upsetting. I might need to step away from the group as I'm finding the constant dwelling on this topic is too much for me"

If you get the impression that everyone else is happy with the status quo and the behaviour of the member in question then just leave.

There will be other book clubs in your area

LoafofSellotape · 09/05/2019 07:36

Just skip this month and hope she settles down,if she doesn't then leave.

JellySlice · 09/05/2019 07:36

This is not a proper book club. This is a personal court. Walk away. You have no investment to lose.

A book club can be hugely rewarding, precisely by virtue of the possibilities for open-mindedness. Go to your local library and ask about other book clubs.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 07:38

Oh thank God. For a while I thought I was being over sensitive.
The subject is death.
I know all the stuff about how we shouldnt be afraid etc., but that hasn't been my experience. At all. Not one bit but it isn't for public consumption.
Its taken me years and years to come to terms with something. Hours of therapy. Impacted my entire development
She simply doesn't understand but I don't have the energy to get her to try and see that. The best thing is to step away as she is driving all the focus at this area

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 09/05/2019 07:40

Just try another club. I wonder if your friend is focusing on this topic because of you.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 07:40

Jellyslice that is exactly what it is becoming. A personal court. I don't think you should impose your own obsession on others.
Self help books about death aren't really book club fodder to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 07:44

Lordamighty I don't think so. I think its a control thing. She wants everyone to be utterly fascinated with everyrthing that totally fascinates her.
She wants to be a death doula.....

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 07:45

The last few times, this topic has just come up over and over.

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 09/05/2019 07:47

Book clubs should be fun and helpful - this sounds like a group therapy session without a professional or trained therapist present, which is a recipe for disaster. Avoid!

IhavetoD0something · 09/05/2019 07:48

Oh blimey!! That is not book club material at all!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2019 07:48

I have to agree that the only thing to do is step away, from the book club and possibly from the friendship too.

Sorry that you are finding this so triggering but you must look after yourself first and foremost.

AnyoneButAnton · 09/05/2019 07:49

That’s a tricky one because it is a huge and universal subject. If she was obsessed with slavery or famine or something then you’d probably get support from the rest of the group for a more away, but this is a topic that’s inevitably going to crop up again and again and she’s always going to talk about it in a way you find stressful so you are going to leave and find another group. I’d just mutter something about time commitments.

IhavetoD0something · 09/05/2019 07:50

Ps i agree with downcasteyes. A grouptherapy session with an amateur leading it 😭😑
Disaster waiting to happen.
Does she think she is a psychotherapist?

Kez200 · 09/05/2019 07:51

Leave. The book club because you don't need it - there are other interest groups out there and you will find one you like. Leave/step back from the friendship too, it isn't a friendship if she cannot understand boundaries and continues to upset you when she knows it will.

wevraver · 09/05/2019 07:51

OP I know somebody just like this with the death obsession! Her name doesn’t start with S does it? Early 30s?

The obsession is bizarre. There’s nothing wrong with feeling comfortable and not afraid, but to be obsessed by it just seems a waste of time.