Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Book club making me very uncomfortable

164 replies

lolaflores · 09/05/2019 07:20

I am a reader. I enjoy the company of other readers and getting recommendations, usually about fiction but I enjoy biography and love history.
A few months ago I joined a book club, something I have never done, probably because I didn't know about any near me. A friend introduced me to other friends of hers.
This friend is very invovled (borderline obssessed) with a certain topic. Its an issue that I have experienced and have been scarred for life from (not an exaggeration). I have been very boundaried with her on the topic, explained that it is difficult for me when she wants to talk endlessly about it and she has calmed down a bit.

However, everything now at the bookclub is directed to this subject. She sends links in the whatsapp group and this months book is on the topic. I wasn;t at the meet up when it was chosen but I got sent the link.

I honetsly cant read it. From the bottom of my heart, I have asked myself to just try it, be objective, but I am struggling to bring myself to even buy it.
Its got to the point now where I don't want to go anymore. Every conversation comes back round to the subject when she is around. It makes me deeply uncomfortable and upsets me. It is suffocating me
.
I am with people I don't know and who don't know me though it is a to;pic everyone has some experience of, all different but personal. Then it turns into a kind of group therapy thing. Except I don't want to have to talk about it in those conditions but I feel like if I go, I won't have a choice. Reading the book is like consenting to having to share with people something I don't think I want to.

OP posts:
Acis · 09/05/2019 07:52

It sounds as if your friend needs therapy about her obsession more than you do. Definitely time to distance yourself from her and the book club.

ExpletiveDelighted · 09/05/2019 07:55

I'd leave too, or at least make clear you won't be reading that book or coming to the group to discuss it. Book groups are meant to be about books with friendships forming around that, not group therapy Flowers

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 09/05/2019 07:57

As far as the book group goes, run like the wind.

And she doesn't sound like a good friend for you, or a good future "death doula" (W.T.A.F.?!) if she is insensitive to the feelings of others, and basically just indulging her own ghoulish tendencies.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Books
Bluetrews25 · 09/05/2019 07:59

She sounds like a barrel of laughs, OP. Not.
I bet you aren't the only one who is not delighted at this choice of subject.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 08:00

WhatsApp a short message: I am out. I wanted to join a book club, not a support group for a death obsessive!

They aren't your friends.

There are other book clubs.

dottiedodah · 09/05/2019 08:03

One thing I have learned .If you dont feel comfortable dont do it!Just because of her morbid fascination with this subject she is trying to get everyone else on board!.(Does she know what happened to you?).Just either skip this month ,or have a look online for another Book Club!.Even if its a bit further away .You can maybe meet new friends and hopefully some less heavy books!

MarthasGinYard · 09/05/2019 08:08

Op
If I sat in your book club I'd have absolutely no problem saying

"I'll be giving this title a miss guys, will catch you in a few weeks"

Can you not just be straight.

Damntheman · 09/05/2019 08:11

Oh wow OP leave! These people cannot respect your clear boundaries, they're not people you need to be around.

Peridot1 · 09/05/2019 08:14

Just don’t go. Drop out and maybe try and find another book club.

Book clubs are supposed to be fun and a chance to maybe read books we might not have otherwise with people that we are comfortable discussing them with. Not to be made to read something confronting and purely based on one person’s obsession.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 08:16

wevraver no. Sorry. Different name and age but probably equally as unerving.
She knows all about what happened to me. She knows all the impact it has had on me.
She knows for example, that even discussing it makes my stomach hurt.
I am going to be very honest and put a note up on the app group. I don't want to sit in passive aggressive silence then make some drippy excuse the week before.
And I have said to her before that her lack of training is dangerous when she wants to invovle herself in this area. Not just for others but for herself but she doesn't seem to think training trumps interest and kind thoughts.
She is a menace

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 08:19

Its a shame because I had some great fiction recommendations from the others. I like Terry Pratchett and 12 of the others were fans as well but I don't expect everyone to like TP. Those who do are happy to be fans together and enjoy talking about it but I wouldn't if it wasn't to everyones taste. SCI FI isn't universally adored.
Like someone else said, I don't know how confortable the rest of the group are with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 08:20

thats 2 of the others...not 12. there aren't that many

OP posts:
wevraver · 09/05/2019 08:22

Definitely be honest. You’ll probably find there are others who feel the same as you who haven’t been brave enough to speak up.

exexpat · 09/05/2019 08:23

I once picked a book for my book group which had a storyline heavily featuring cancer. One member bowed out for that month - I hadn't realised that her brother was dying of cancer at the time, and it was all just too close to home. I apologised, she was fine with it, and the next month's book was something completely different.

But it sounds like your 'friend' is continuing to obsess over the subject of death even though she knows your sensitivity. Definitely skip this month's book, and mute the whatsapp conversation. If you think there is a chance that the group could move on to less traumatic subjects in future, and you like the other people, then it is worth giving it another go. But from what you say, it sounds like your friend is long-term obsessed and is likely to bring the subject up repeatedly so you might have to just find another book group.

IrisAtwood · 09/05/2019 08:26

I also think that this bookclub is a recipe for disaster and that you should leave.

Peridot1 · 09/05/2019 08:28

I’ve just remembered that when I was in a book club one person picked a book written by a doctor who was dying of cancer when I was going though radiotherapy for breast cancer. We used to pick two books so I just read the other one. The discussion was fine as I nipped to the loo and helped the hostess clear up so avoided most of it.

TatianaLarina · 09/05/2019 08:29

So leave.

senua · 09/05/2019 08:30

Put a message on the watsapp group saying that you are giving it a miss. You may find that lots of them agree with you and you end up forming a (normal!) breakaway bookgroup.

When I first started with a bookgroup, I used to religiously plough my way through the book every month. After a while you get more discerning: books have to earn/be worth the effort.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 08:30

Thank you all so much for understanding.
I know that these days death isn't the taboo it was etc. And thats fine. As a rule I empathise with anyone who has lost someone and entirely understand that it is on the cards for all of us.
There is nothing to be done about it.
But its personal for me. I don't want it the central part of a night out. Frankly? I don't want to hear anyone elses grief or be forced to think about what my own death is going to shape up to as if it was as simple as that....plan your death. book a doula. nice one. all tidied away

OP posts:
PeachesAndMayo · 09/05/2019 08:31

Leave. Don't look back. It's her obsession and she's clearly the dominant member of the group. Try meetup.com for other book groups.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 08:35

Put a message up saying I cant face the book and Ill give it a miss.
Oh my.
Better out than in.
Or is that constipation?

OP posts:
Rabbitmug · 09/05/2019 08:37

As an aside, have you considered NLP and/or hypnosis for your fear OP? I felt like you and had pretty good success with hypnosis especially.

As for the book club, I'd persevere if you like all the other people but give this month's choice a miss.

LoafofSellotape · 09/05/2019 08:37

You might find now you've said that others think the same and will be more willing to change the subject when she starts up- if the others are ok and you enjoy it apart from this woman.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 09/05/2019 08:38

I think it's entirely reasonable for you to leave OR give that month's meeting a miss.

But to pick up on your Terry P comment, I'd just say that I'm also a massive fan, but I don't think he makes a great book-group book author because there isn't that much to say about his books (not beyond one or two meetings)... They're very funny, there's some great thinking, he's created a fabulous world. I love the characters (you just have to see all the usernames on here. There was a CuttingMyOwnThroatDibbler username at one point, which I LOVED as a username).

If this bookgroup doesn't work for you, consider starting your own.

But I would just add, that (for me), what my bookgroup gives me is books I'd never normally have read and sometimes those are turkeys and sometimes they're amazing.
I'm not talking about the subject of your OP now... I'm not suggesting you read something/participate in a subject that's going to upset you, I'm talking more generally.

ChuckleBuckles · 09/05/2019 08:38

@lolaflores Good move on leaving the group, I would also suggest that you message the two members that share your interest in sci fi and ask them to let you know if they have any other books to recommend. You may even end up with a breakaway book club.

Swipe left for the next trending thread