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Original poster

Book club making me very uncomfortable

164 replies

lolaflores · 09/05/2019 07:20

I am a reader. I enjoy the company of other readers and getting recommendations, usually about fiction but I enjoy biography and love history.
A few months ago I joined a book club, something I have never done, probably because I didn't know about any near me. A friend introduced me to other friends of hers.
This friend is very invovled (borderline obssessed) with a certain topic. Its an issue that I have experienced and have been scarred for life from (not an exaggeration). I have been very boundaried with her on the topic, explained that it is difficult for me when she wants to talk endlessly about it and she has calmed down a bit.

However, everything now at the bookclub is directed to this subject. She sends links in the whatsapp group and this months book is on the topic. I wasn;t at the meet up when it was chosen but I got sent the link.

I honetsly cant read it. From the bottom of my heart, I have asked myself to just try it, be objective, but I am struggling to bring myself to even buy it.
Its got to the point now where I don't want to go anymore. Every conversation comes back round to the subject when she is around. It makes me deeply uncomfortable and upsets me. It is suffocating me
.
I am with people I don't know and who don't know me though it is a to;pic everyone has some experience of, all different but personal. Then it turns into a kind of group therapy thing. Except I don't want to have to talk about it in those conditions but I feel like if I go, I won't have a choice. Reading the book is like consenting to having to share with people something I don't think I want to.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 09/05/2019 08:41

There are other book groups.

Either just miss this meeting, or say you've reconsidered and the group isn't for you.

Choosing the right book club for you is quite personal. Preferences about how the books are chosen and the dicussion format make a big difference.

LizzieSiddal · 09/05/2019 08:43

I agree with others, just leave. This person will continue to dwell on this subject and you will continue to feel upset, most book clubs are not like this!

If you join another group, and this subject comes up again, do not feel shy about saying "I'll give this book a miss as it's a theme I don't want to dwell on". I did it this month with my book club, the book's main theme is a subject which really upsets me, so I'm not going to put myself through that. it's no big deal.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 08:43

Just had a message back...face your fears and we'll support you
No.
Its a fucking book club not a therapy session.
Jesus

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Books
MarthasGinYard · 09/05/2019 08:44

'No.
Its a fucking book club not a therapy session.
Jesus'

Send back exactly that

Job done.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 08:45

Yea. Im going to snuggle up to the sci fi folks.

And Terry P. is a world creator and all the fascinating characters take time to read and learn about so it isn't something someone can just jump straight into then join in a conversation with people who have read all the books. But if you find those who have, then its like a lovely get together.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 09/05/2019 08:48

Your response is perfect. Please send that. She's being highly inappropriate.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 08:49

I've true crime fiction but my own grisly tastes are not appreciated by all soni keep it to myself. Ot would probably give most people nightmares.

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 09/05/2019 08:50

"face your fears and we'll support you"

Reply

'I have had to work for years to overcome this experience. I've already faced my fears. I do not, however, feel comfortable sharing this in the context of a bookgroup, which is something I do for leisure and for fun. I'm out'.

ChuckleBuckles · 09/05/2019 08:55

"face your fears and we'll support you"

Message them that the person who is forcing their obsession with death down everyone's neck is fearful of oncoming traffic, and you want them to help her face her fear.

More seriously just block them and move on. I would be removing this "friend" from your life as well, some people are supportive in our lives and show empathy and understanding when we struggle with something, and then there are people like your friend that treat hurt people as a science experiment that they want to dissect in the name of "understanding" but it is high handed of her to think that she knows what you need more than you do.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 08:57

Oh my God.
Fear of on coming traffic.. 🤣

OP posts:
Greyeye · 09/05/2019 08:58

God, I can't bear book clubs - there is usually someone who is like this.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 08:59

Its a fucking book club not a therapy session. Perfect response. I hope you sent it!

gilchrist168 · 09/05/2019 09:09

Definitely send that response OP and give her a wide berth as a so called "friend". Weird agenda.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/05/2019 09:11

Goodness me, what sort of book club is that, sounds awful. Surely people go for some great boo recommendations, a chance to socialise and kick back. Op either join another club or start your own. I looked or ages for an evening book club, couldn't find one so started my own. Love it, and we don't discuss death!

Yerroblemom1923 · 09/05/2019 09:11

Why not just say "we've done this topic to death, let's pick another genre for a change"? The other members are probably bored of reading titles on the same theme too.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 09/05/2019 09:13

Wow, it sounds intense.

I do think that unless you stick to Chic lit or Richard and Judy then there will be some books that people won't want to read and that's fine.

You really don't need to be patronised by someone telling you to face your fears.

Our book club had a book which featured domestic abuse. I skipped that one and told them why and no one said a thing.

I really hope you find a club which suits you.

QueenKubauOfKish · 09/05/2019 09:14

OP I think this woman probably actually gets something out of the fact that this has a big impact on you. She's not just being insensitive IMO, she's being an emotional vampire. It's an obsession for her so someone who has an upsetting experience with it feeds her obsession.

You don't owe her or anyone at this book club anything, no matter what they say. You don't have to "face your fears" or anything like that, and don't let them make you feel bad for dropping out - how you deal with your own feelings is your business. You don't even have to explain yourself - just don't go again.

I hope you find a lovely new group, I'm sure you will because this isn't normal! Flowers

LoafofSellotape · 09/05/2019 09:18

How do you choose books, are you actually reading lots of books about death or is it she just manipulates the conversation ?

Tidy2018 · 09/05/2019 09:19

lolaflores - don't want to derail, but wanted to say there are loads of true crime and sci-fi podcasts which might help fill the gap until you find a better book group. Also discussions about how writers create their universes.

cottonwoolmouth · 09/05/2019 09:23

I thought this was a book club and not a therapy session? Sorry I won’t be there, too much dwelling on death when so many other books to discuss

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 09:28

She manipulates it into everything. She posts things about death cafe meet ups. The group has met 3 times. This is her first choice of book. I've had to back away from her because of her constant desire to talk about death/dying. This respite my very clear message that I'm not comfortable given my experience.
I will fade out if the group I think

OP posts:
TheRedBarrows · 09/05/2019 09:30

“face your fears and we'll support you”

Was it your ‘friend’ who sent that it another member?

It is a really outrageous and arrogant response. Ignorant at best from a group member but if it was your friend, utterly toxic and damaging.

To disregard your feelings and experiences, to be so arrogant that a chat with acquaintances over cheap wine and a book can trump tears of professional therapy, and especially horrible to being your feelings into public with that message, essentially telling the group you need support.

She needs a direct explanation as to why she is an ex-friend, if she sent that message.

Lexilooo · 09/05/2019 09:30

Find a different book club, it shouldn't be like this

Bettythedevil · 09/05/2019 09:31

How utterly bizarre. Leave OP. This isn’t a book group!

lottiegarbanzo · 09/05/2019 09:33

It's worth replying firmly but politely - even just 'no thanks' - or she'll think you didn't come because you do need her help, rather than because you don't want it. She's a ghoul.