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Original poster

Book club making me very uncomfortable

164 replies

lolaflores · 09/05/2019 07:20

I am a reader. I enjoy the company of other readers and getting recommendations, usually about fiction but I enjoy biography and love history.
A few months ago I joined a book club, something I have never done, probably because I didn't know about any near me. A friend introduced me to other friends of hers.
This friend is very invovled (borderline obssessed) with a certain topic. Its an issue that I have experienced and have been scarred for life from (not an exaggeration). I have been very boundaried with her on the topic, explained that it is difficult for me when she wants to talk endlessly about it and she has calmed down a bit.

However, everything now at the bookclub is directed to this subject. She sends links in the whatsapp group and this months book is on the topic. I wasn;t at the meet up when it was chosen but I got sent the link.

I honetsly cant read it. From the bottom of my heart, I have asked myself to just try it, be objective, but I am struggling to bring myself to even buy it.
Its got to the point now where I don't want to go anymore. Every conversation comes back round to the subject when she is around. It makes me deeply uncomfortable and upsets me. It is suffocating me
.
I am with people I don't know and who don't know me though it is a to;pic everyone has some experience of, all different but personal. Then it turns into a kind of group therapy thing. Except I don't want to have to talk about it in those conditions but I feel like if I go, I won't have a choice. Reading the book is like consenting to having to share with people something I don't think I want to.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 09/05/2019 09:34

I think that now you've drawn people's attention to it, others will notice how much she focuses on this one topic. I think I would send back a message saying that a book club is about broadening interests and is meant to be a leisure activity rather than a therapy session. They'll either embrace that or not, but you might feel better for saying your piece and you will know where you stand once and for all.
Emotional vampire types are to be avoided at all costs - they contribute nothing positive and just leach the joy out of you.

RevealTheLegend · 09/05/2019 09:35

OP I think this woman probably actually gets something out of the fact that this has a big impact on you. She's not just being insensitive IMO, she's being an emotional vampire. It's an obsession for her so someone who has an upsetting experience with it feeds her obsession.

Yup. She’s itching to feed off you.

Grim

churchthecat · 09/05/2019 09:36

She's being a bully.

Reply "No thank you" and remove yourself from the WhatsApp group.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Books
newtlover · 09/05/2019 09:38

OP sorry if this has already been mentioned, but you could ask at your public library about a book club. Ours provides an excellent service to private book clubs, and it also runs it's own, I think facilitated by a librarian
Or, you could start your own, stick a note up in a friendly shop/cafe - or even a bookshop- see what happens. Obviously find a neutral public place to meet. Pubs often have a room they will reserve for you midweek.

MaybeDoctor · 09/05/2019 09:40

I dropped out of a book group that I had actually started!

Really don’t worry about it. You don’t owe people anything.

Sagradafamiliar · 09/05/2019 09:42

'Sorry but I can't indulge your unhealthy obsession, it benefits no one'. You have your valid reasons to be triggered but I don't think this would be considered normal by anyone. It's not you, it's her. Hobbies are meant to be enjoyable.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/05/2019 09:43

Honestly OP, just leave. I bet if you had a look on facebook you'd find other Sci-fi groups for fiction recs, and then you could start a club of your own if you enjoy the social aspect of it.

You're 'friend' has no boundaries, why would you invite that into your life?

hellojim · 09/05/2019 09:45

I can't imagine that this topic is of much interest to the other club members and what on earth are death cafe meet ups? I sounds very draining for you and probably for the other members too. I would find another book club either in real life or online - I think you may be joined by the rest of the group!

MarthasGinYard · 09/05/2019 09:51

'death cafe meet ups?'

WTF

Oh Op do yourself a favour

FFS

cheif · 09/05/2019 09:58

"Death Doula" ? Confused(shudders)

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 09:58

It's a thing now. Death cafes. She has tried to get me to go to a few. Posted on book group about one.
Of course discussing g death is helpful and not wrong a d we shouldn't be ickkie about it...but its intimate for me. The conditions are not in a cafe or book club.
It's such a desperate attention seeking act.
The reply about facing my fears was pretty infuriating but I didn't get into. Just declined again for the same reasons.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2019 09:59

I agree that what you wrote on here in response to that utterly trite response is exactly what you should send back to the whatsapp group.
Followed up with "you're not trained to deal with this - you're dangerous".

RuffleCrow · 09/05/2019 10:01

Plenty more book clubs out there.

WhatTheWatersShowedMe · 09/05/2019 10:03

OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable. Like this woman, I am very interested in death, funeral rituals etc (I want to work as a funeral director)- but I KNOW that this is a difficult topic for other people and I'd hate to make them feel uncomfortable by constantly bringing it up. She sounds quite culty in her thinking IMO.

I think I'd be looking for another book group and making the reasons why extremely clear.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 10:08

Culty! Is exactly the expression to cover this person.she believes, without question. Skimmer World...every syllable.
Religion.
Nationalism
If she can submerge herself in something then she us in it up to her eyeballs.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 10:11

Equally happy to be oblivious to the bleeding obvious. She has said somethings andbi thought .."joking surely" but the look in her eyes of bemusement when I dug a bit deeper made me go cold.
But she evangelises about everything. Once I get her off topic it's ok but jts getting too hard.

OP posts:
ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 09/05/2019 10:13

She doesn't sound like much of a friend and I think you've definitely done the right thing to say you're bowing out. Her message back is massively insensitive. This is all about her and how she is 'helping' you, not you and your feelings. She's so busy being 'helpful' she's ignoring the fact that she's the opposite. She sounds like she thinks she knows what's best for you, as if she's trying to save you from yourself or some crap like that. In my experience, people like that are doing it so they can go on about how great they are and how they helped so-and-so when they needed and it's all about them. Yuck.

I'd cut her out, tbh. You are more than entitled to feel however you want to about the subject. Just because it's not taboo doesn't mean everyone has to put up with her going on about it all the time.

Offallycheap · 09/05/2019 10:13

She sounds crackers. Bin her, and the book club. Life is too short! (Grin see what I did there?)

Bookworm4 · 09/05/2019 10:19

A self help book about death? That's your reading matter? Ffs!
I'm in a great book club, we meet once a month (meeting room in local hall) someone takes a turn to choose a book and provide cake. We have read every genre from autobiography to sagas to crime. Someone needs to speak up and point out this isn't a therapy group but a book club, or everyone else get on the same page and tell the friend to not come back.

AsleepAllDay · 09/05/2019 10:20

Hit the 'exit group' button on WhatsApp. Don't even have to justify yourself

StripeyChina · 09/05/2019 10:37

re 'face your fears and we'll support you'

'AFAIK none of us are Qualified to 'support each other' nor is it appropriate for a book club'

llangennith · 09/05/2019 10:39

Leave it! Find another book club. That one isn't like any book club I've ever heard of.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 10:50

stripeychina she has made herself the expert on the topic so that's all fine.
I have told her that the topic, the area is fraught with potential harm; conscious and unconscious but it's not registered.
I do feel she has created this group to channel her ideas and advertise her death groups.
Unscrupulous

OP posts:
FaithInfinity · 09/05/2019 10:54

I have a friend who set up a death cafe locally. She lost her DH very suddenly (only early 60s) and found a great lack of support in her grief. So she set up something. I think it’s great and it’s been helpful to have something to throw herself into (she’d only just retired). However she is there just to support people and she is a very positive person.

Your ‘friend’ sounds quite the opposite, I agree with pp who say she really isn’t a friend is she’s behaving like this! I lost my DMum in my 20s. It was traumatic and took a long time to deal with. Professionally I’ve dealt with death and dying a lot (HCP in elderly care for years). I can talk about Mum and tell people what happened without crying now, it’s been over 10 years but I still wouldn’t want to do a book on death at a book club!

I’m think you have a few options - leave the book club, message and say you need to bow out this month and will not be participating in any books on death or dying. Either way you need to ditch this ’friend’. She is not a positive person to have in your life, she sounds very self-centred and at times really quite vindictive. Unfortunately this might mean you can’t keep going to the book club.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 11:01

It feels vindictive. That uf a friend has an area in their life that is deeply painful and continues to be problematic...would you insist on bringing this topic up?
If you do, then I think it makes you an arsehole without a shred of empathy which I would consider an essential element t for a counsellor in any area

OP posts: