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Original poster

Book club making me very uncomfortable

164 replies

lolaflores · 09/05/2019 07:20

I am a reader. I enjoy the company of other readers and getting recommendations, usually about fiction but I enjoy biography and love history.
A few months ago I joined a book club, something I have never done, probably because I didn't know about any near me. A friend introduced me to other friends of hers.
This friend is very invovled (borderline obssessed) with a certain topic. Its an issue that I have experienced and have been scarred for life from (not an exaggeration). I have been very boundaried with her on the topic, explained that it is difficult for me when she wants to talk endlessly about it and she has calmed down a bit.

However, everything now at the bookclub is directed to this subject. She sends links in the whatsapp group and this months book is on the topic. I wasn;t at the meet up when it was chosen but I got sent the link.

I honetsly cant read it. From the bottom of my heart, I have asked myself to just try it, be objective, but I am struggling to bring myself to even buy it.
Its got to the point now where I don't want to go anymore. Every conversation comes back round to the subject when she is around. It makes me deeply uncomfortable and upsets me. It is suffocating me
.
I am with people I don't know and who don't know me though it is a to;pic everyone has some experience of, all different but personal. Then it turns into a kind of group therapy thing. Except I don't want to have to talk about it in those conditions but I feel like if I go, I won't have a choice. Reading the book is like consenting to having to share with people something I don't think I want to.

OP posts:
foxyfemke · 09/05/2019 11:02

Just leave. Find another book club. Book clubs can be so so lovely, this doesn't sound like one of them.

lazylinguist · 09/05/2019 11:12

She sounds really and truly awful. I'd go and hang out with the nice Terry Pratchett people. I love Pratchett Smile.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 09/05/2019 11:19

I had a “friend” like this. Different trigger but the same emotional vampire vibe. In the end we just couldn’t be friends.

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Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 11:54

Tiny signs of perhaps differing views. Another person suggesting doing something that works for everyone. Been seconded so wait and see. Herself has been quiet but ..

OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · 09/05/2019 11:59

Ime it takes a while for a book club to settle into something that everyone is happy with so give it time if you like the others. I do find there's always one in a group of people and usually people get fed up and they pipe down eventually. I hope it works out.

StripeyChina · 09/05/2019 12:54

OP yes take your point.
She is potentially dangerous though to be pushing 'support' on her esp subject area du jour via her 'book' club.
I'd body swerve this one but prob just leave anyway.
She sounds very domineering?

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 13:00

Shojkd have been around for the breast feeding era stripeychina. Is just getting worse over time. Jer private life is a train wreck which is why I give e all her shit the side eye as she has 0 insight jntobjerself never mind anyone else.

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 09/05/2019 13:10

She wants to be a death doula.....

WTF is a death doula? And WTF happens in a death cafe?

You should try our Gin Club - very much like a book club but without the books Wink

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 09/05/2019 13:14

She wants to be able to share details of your grief with others. I have zero time for fuckers like that.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 13:23

To me, death doula is a well meaning yet interfering rubber necker with no quakification beyondbthinking death can be blue birds and rainbows if shes around and shell make it all fine.
Get to fuck.
Death is for those left behind and it's a lonely grinding experience that no one can just drop in and out of.

OP posts:
RattyTat · 09/05/2019 13:26

That's not what a death doula is. They're there to help the dying person.though the family may possibly,y derive some comfort from them helping the dying person too, just because your friend is a bad example of one doesn't mean that they don't have their place.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 09/05/2019 13:31

It might be interesting to see how the others in the group respond, but ultimately it seems that you'd be best to cut this person out of your life. Do you get a sinking feeling when she gets in touch or you see her? She is who she is, you can't expect that things will change.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 13:31

Whatever.

OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · 09/05/2019 13:34

That's not what a death doula is. They're there to help the dying person.though the family may possibly,y derive some comfort from them helping the dying person too, just because your friend is a bad example of one doesn't mean that they don't have their place

I agree

RattyTat · 09/05/2019 13:34

She does sound batty though. I think I'd have to give her an ultimatum or cut her off.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 13:35

Actually, sorry for that curt response but the topic is of no interest to me. Whatever people want to do that's fine but its not something I am even slightly interested in exploring.
She knows this yet persists.
It's the fact that the issue has been forced I now am very turned off by it even of it is a good thing, it's been devalued

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 13:36

And she seems to be getting nuttier

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 13:38

I think palliative care is enormously important and when I needed support from McMillan nurses, their input was beyond gold. They were awe inspiring

OP posts:
Paddington68 · 09/05/2019 13:39

If you like the group, tell them you are a bit busy this month and will come back after the current book.
If you don't like the group, bin them off.

Foslady · 09/05/2019 13:45

Find myself comparing her to the woman who ran the 1-2-1 club in the TV series Dear John - would listen boredly to people’s experiences jusr so she could ask if there’s been any sexual problems!

Atalune · 09/05/2019 13:52

She sounds nutty!

I have left book clubs, they seem to bring out the worst in some people who use it as their platform to evangelise on any given topic. So boring!

I like to read the book, ask and discuss some of the questions from the back. Have. 3 glasses of wine and toddle home.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2019 14:03

I dont think they are places to grand stand opinions. It's a place to listen and reflect on another person's point of view and find out about different writers

OP posts:
Magi84 · 09/05/2019 14:32

What you have been describing is nothing like any book group I've ever known, and there have been a few over the years. Great times discussing writers and their choices of subjects, how they arrived at that idea for a story. Characters broken down, structure discussed, style etc. Certainly never never one major topic that went on endlessly and was supposed to be a form of therapy!!

If this ever started as a proper book group it has seriously lost its way. Find another pronto.

wevraver · 09/05/2019 14:57

She doesn’t sound like she wants to help or comfort people at all. She sounds like some sadistic grief vampire who derives some sort of weird pleasure from other people’s suffering.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 09/05/2019 15:01

You should try our Gin Club - very much like a book club but without the books

I've found my soulmate Grin

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