Please talk me down over DD's weight gain

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

DD2 has come home from uni looking very portly. Her normally lovely face is like a moon and she's squished into her baggiest clothes. She's had her hair cut and very badly dyed. She's a stunning girl but she looks dreadful.

I am absolutely biting my tongue not to say something. Why though? I'm no stunner myself. I'm not even well groomed. I'm not bothered if my mates aren't supermodels. Why am I so invested in my kids being attractive? I keep thinking ridiculous thoughts like she'll never have a nice boyfriend.

Please help me unpick why I'm having such bitchy thoughts and help me keep my gob shut.

I have actually virtually harangued her to the gym. I'm planning salad for tea. Vipers, please he[p me get over myself.

Seriously?

You're her MOTHER.
Why would you even consider criticising her weight or appearance?

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I think it's reasonable to ask about how it's going, how she's feeling, if she's out lots etc. But I think you need toeave it for her to mention the weight.

Is she depressed, living in crap, drinking lots! Does she seem happy or down?

Get the fuck over yourself.

HTH.

P.S. I met my gorgeous, kind, generous, funny, hardworking husband when I was fat as fuck and growing out a bad haircut and dye job.

Why am I so invested in my kids being attractive?

Why indeed? What was your own mother’s reaction to you being “no stunner”? Are you repeating her harsh critic or are you trying to live your life through your child rather than tackle your own issues?
Get yourself to the gym if looks are what matter to you. Or maybe give yourself a shake and get talking to your daughter. Is she happy? Is she enjoying her course and her life away? Is she looking after herself and being safe? THOSE things are far far more important than her clothing size.

She sounds shattered, give her a break.

She says she's just been working really hard and eating crap. I have said perhaps you need to do some exercise. I'm not going to say anything. But I'm just taken aback at how horrified I feel, How shallow I must really be.

Well they so say women look more like their mums as they get older

I was a plain jane myself. I bloomed in my late teens and life became much better.

Roaring30s

Because sometimes tough love is called for, who else will be honest to you if something is going to have long term consequences.

I am a bit worried about her being depressed but she seems okay.

I’ll never forget coming home from uni after I’d dyed my hair and the first thing my Mum said was You’ve dyed your hair. It’s looks awful. It’s far too dark. Wow, nice to see you too Mum!

Part of being at uni is learning how to be more independent. I think most people gain weight at uni? It’s easier to grab take out when you’re studying. You’d be better making sure she knows how to cook and maybe sending her back with some batch cooking to keep in the freezer than dragging her to the gym!

Why am I so invested in my kids being attractive?

I think that’s a step too far in your argument. You aren’t (necessarily) - you’ve just noticed a change and you’re worried about it. Plus - I think most parents want their kids to make the best of themselves (in whatever form that takes). Not everyone is interested in clothes or makeup and that’s fine. But sudden weight gain could be due to oor lifestyle choices or depression and I think it’s perfectly natural to want to know what’s going on with her.

And yes my sister was gorgeous and slim until her late tens then put on a lot of weight which has greatly affected her self confidence.

I gained a stone in my first year at uni from drinking far too much and eating crap. I lost it again. My DM said 'What on earth happened to you?' when she first saw me! She's always been very blunt though, as my GM was too, so it didn't surprise me or particularly offend me. It's just how she is.

Please don't say anything!

I went away travelling through north and South America for 6 months after uni graduation. I loved it, but was so happy to be home. At the airport, the first words my mother said were "Christ you've put on weight." That was nearly 20 years ago and I still remember it.

In America they call it the "Freshman 15" ie the 15lb you put on when you're first getting used to uni, getting your head around leaving home, the work etc. Probably eating too much crap, and definitely drinking if you're in the UK.

She will know she's put on weight, you don't need to hold up a neon sign for her.

Maybe your daughter is happy being a little bigger and is just enjoying herself at uni eating out and trying new foods? As long as she’s happy you know deep down it doesn’t matter, maybe she can’t afford a nice cut and colour being a student and her friend has kindly done her hair for her, why don’t you treat her to a cut and colour as a treat?

My daughter came home from uni with sleeves and whole legs done with dark skull tattoos

And those huge ear stretcher things. Plus about 2 stone of pizza and beer.

Obviously I said nothing apart from how lovely to see her

But it was quite a change.

Don't criticise her. You will push her away. She's learning how to cook, care for herself, clean, manage money, eat well (or not), navigate a new city, make new friends, find out who she is AND study at a higher level than she's done before. She's not going to get the balance right yet. Show her your unconditional love, not your judgement.

No. Just no. Bite your tongue and don't be so superficial. You'll end up giving her a complex.

Tough love?! Seriously???? Only her DD can change her eating habits. It's her life, her body. I'm sure she is fully aware she has put on weight and won't be happy about it.

By all means tell her she's put on weight of you want her to have life long issues with her body image. Making her salads? There are other types of food you can eat that's healthy.

That's coming from someone who got called a heifer as a teenager by her "tough love" grandfather.

Your daughter will know if she's gained weight. What difference will it have you mentioning it? Apart from her thinking you are a judgemental, pass-remarkable cow. She's an adult. You are her mother.

I think people are being far too hard to you, OP, and you're being too hard on yourself.

Of course you're going to notice if your DD comes home looking less healthy and with a bad haircut, it's part of a parents' job to look out for their child's health and well-being.

Learning how to look after yourself is part of becoming an independent adult - and we all make mistakes. As she told you, she's eaten crap food lately and you can give her some TLC while she's home.

I remember meeting up with formerly gorgeous sixth-form friend after our first year at uni and he looked rubbish! He was clearly suffering from a lack of home cooking and too many pints!

Just take care of her while she's at home and perhaps talk about quick meals she can make when she's busy. She probably doesn't want to eat crappy food, but may not know what to make instead.

You most definitely need to leave her alone.
She's probably already thinking all of the things you are, she doesn't need her own mother, the person who should be on her side and have her back through everything, being negative and making her feel worse.
For what its worth I think you're projecting and your issues with her appearance are your own. You make some quite negative comments about your own appearance, address why you think that about yourself, before you make her feel awful.

I remember a friend coming back from her first term at uni having put on a LOT of weight - she looked shockingly different, but I didn't mention it because I'm sure she knew! It was just adjusting to living more independently, eating what/when she wanted and drinking with friends. She went back to normal when she'd settled down.

Oh an as for hair and whatever - she's young, she's experimenting, meeting different people and being influenced in new ways - that's what going to university is all about. We all have shit haircuts to look back on... it's not a big deal.

But about why you feel that way OP... I'm not sure, but at least you are questioning it and trying to have a look at yourself. Did/does your own mum (or anyone else) put that kind of pressure on you, do you think you've absorbed it somehow? Also, there are a lot of mixed messages out there - body positivity and not wanting to fat-shame, which I do support, but also the message that weight is a terrible health problem, children being weighed, the idea that we are crap parents if we have an overweight child. Which there is something to as well - health is important, but you don't have a right to give someone a hard time about their body, and that includes your own DD. It's a hard balance to strike.

I would try to take a step back, stop thinking about bodies and think about what your DD needs most when she's at uni - a loving, safe home to come back to and a mum who has her back 100%. Make her her favourite food, go shopping with her, or to the cinema, or whatever you like doing together. Think about what she needs and wants from you aside from appearances. Forget the gym, salad etc. - those are her choices to make and not yours, and pressure won't help. Tell her you love her and ask her about how she is and how it's going, and if she talks, just listen.

My ex’s eldest daughter went to uni a slim girl but quickly got into the booze on nights out and trebles in size.

We would visit and take her shopping and she would eat healthily and moan about her weight but then admit to all the alcohol she was consuming.

I told her straight that it was the alcohol and my ex went mental at me but she said to me that I was the only one who had pulled her up on it and she then understood it was all the booze and she stopped getting pissed all of the time which not only got er figure back but probably played a part in helping her get her degree.