Please talk me down over DD's weight gain

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

DD2 has come home from uni looking very portly. Her normally lovely face is like a moon and she's squished into her baggiest clothes. She's had her hair cut and very badly dyed. She's a stunning girl but she looks dreadful.

I am absolutely biting my tongue not to say something. Why though? I'm no stunner myself. I'm not even well groomed. I'm not bothered if my mates aren't supermodels. Why am I so invested in my kids being attractive? I keep thinking ridiculous thoughts like she'll never have a nice boyfriend.

Please help me unpick why I'm having such bitchy thoughts and help me keep my gob shut.

I have actually virtually harangued her to the gym. I'm planning salad for tea. Vipers, please he[p me get over myself.

I think some posters on here are being extremely harsh. I would be concerned about her appearance too. But equally it's best not to say anything to her. The most important thing is does she seem happy? I think the best thing you can do is try not to stare (she WILL notice) and just be supportive and chatty. From your comments you don't seem too invested to me, it's normal to notice changes in our kids and wonder what has caused them.

Over the summer she can make good food choices and perhaps you could treat her to a nice haircut, encourage gently to exercise but don't be critical, it's an age of experimentation and also growth including weight alas

Oh well! I have a mother who is constantly watching my weight.

I have a lot on at the moment and so I have been reaching for food too often.

I know that when I see her, she sees it. Constantly talking about other people's weight as well.

I didn't used to have to worry about my weight at all, now I see that she was like this the whole time (at uni I was stick thin)

It just makes me feel like crap. So watch yourself, OP.

@TinklyLittleLaugh the way you put it sounds like she's not fitting your ideal image of how you want your family to look. Are you just worried she's letting the side down?

Being in her 2nd year doesn't mean she's got it all sorted. Stuff happens. Especially at uni where people can be quite intense. I was horribly bullied in my 2nd year, and diagnosed with clinical depression in my 3rd year. I didn't tell my parents - we had a very distant relationship at that time. Lots of those issues stemmed from them being hyper-critical. They still are (I'm 40!), but I learned to ignore it.

Example - I'm 3 months pregnant. I'm hungry all the time. I saw my mum a few weeks ago and she looked me up and down and said "have you put on much weight?" meaning "you're looking lardy".

My 2.5 year old said to be that she needed a clip in her hair as "I have to look pretty, mummy". I was aghast. Told her that it's more important to be kind and work hard than it is to be pretty - she obviously didn't get it but it's a message I'll be reinforcing from now on.

(I was an horrific looking child and my mum criticised me regularly and wished I was more normal looking - that's stayed with me forever...)

Just a little reminder for you there OP.

Bit of a different perspective here. My parents were so paranoid that I would "turn anorexic" that they said nothing about my significant weight gain age 18. This has led to an eating disorder that lasted well into my 30s, and is only now under control at 38.

OMG OP! What are you like!!! I was all for telling you it’s fine to be concerned about a drastic change in appearance of your child, regardless of age. Ie. Is it a sign of a problem or is it something that is going to give them a problem long term.

BUT you’re saying it’s in your head as something bitchy! That’s nasty and shallow and I’m honestly shocked. It would never occur to me to see my child as less because they didn’t look as good as I expected!

Students often put on weight, they are useless at self-regulation.

She'll probably sort herself out when she leaves uni. But don't say anything now unless her health is a genuine worry. There is nothing at all to be gained by commenting on how you perceive her attractiveness.

I've never been allowed to think of myself as pretty or clever or have much pride in any achievements - it is allowed that I can think my children are and to take pride in what they do - could it be a similar thing?

I'm happy for my kids to look and dress how they want - mainly as I wasn't allowed to do so growing up - so I'm probaly less focused on how they look than otherwise more that they have choices.

She will know you are biting your tongue.
My mum is very judgemental about what I look like despite her being 1" shorter and 4st heavier than me. When I put on weight at uni I can remember 'feeling' her eyes looking at me and weighing me up. I felt very judged and it stopped me going home as often.

I went to uni looking fairly "normal" for my hometown, then came home at the end of year 1 (having made friends with a lot of philosophy students) with a half shaved head, the rest of it dyed blue, and a nose ring.

My parents were horrified but I told them it was the inner self that they should care about, I'm expressing my individuality etc etc.

One of mine went to University very slim...and came back a 5 stone anorexic at the end of the first year.
Another went slim and with beautiful natural blonde hair...came back with it a greeny shade of brown, and yo yo-d between getting a bit heavy (for her tiny frame) and then painfully thin when she became a gym bunny.

Neither were ideal. We battled the anorexia..that was life threatening and 10 years later DD1 is still having difficulties though now she has a lot of support.

Other daughter is now back to her natural size and shape and at least her hair isn't green

I think unless it is a life threatening change in which speaking up IS vital, you should keep your thoughts to yourself on any aspect of appearance. Small criticisms bite deep even if well meant.

OP, I think you're getting a hard time - I would feel the same. But, LIKE YOU, I would be aware that my reaction wasn't helpful and would be trying very hard to rein it in. I'm another one with an incredibly critical mother who taught me that fat = disgusting (and I was indeed fat at the time), and it can be a very very hard lesson to unlearn (if ever). All we can do is try.

As an aside, I frankly don't believe all the people saying you should be completely oblivious to appearance. That is so far removed from my daily experience of life that I am just incredulous. I suspect a certain number of posters agree with you but wish they didn't and that the conflict is emerging in their posts here.

Practical advice? Say nothing about appearance at all. If you want to be kind, offer to get some special shampoo that preserves the dye as that way it will last longer. That would be thoughtful and hard to construe as you hating it

Good luck!

It is an interesting question

I think the reason why you (and many other mothers) are so judgemental of your children is that you feel that they somehow reflect on you and contribute to your worth. They don't.

If they're gorgeous, that doesn't mean that you are or that you had anything to do with that. By the same token, if they're average-looking then what's that to do with you? Not your glory or your punishment. You don't sound vacuous but your post is full of judgement about what your daughter looks like. She isn't stupid and she will see right through your concern because it's directed in the wrong place... 'nice boyfriends' indeed. Whatever made you say that?

What LaurieFairyCake said, unconditional acceptance. Anything else is going to bite you on the bum and wreck your relationship.

My mum has always been on my case about my clothes, skin, hair and weight. She can't help herself. It makes me feel shit.

And yet, even when I did fit her "ideal" at my wedding...nicely highlighted hair, perfect makeup, even skin, v. slim....I still don't recall a single compliment.

Their issues. Not ours.

Your issue. Not hers.

We’re a very healthy household. I don’t really have body issues. I’m not gorgeous but I’m not hideous.

There's nothing healthy about judging yourself or your dd on the basis of whether you are 'hideous' or 'gorgeous', as though attractiveness is the most important thing about a person. You seem predominantly concerned about what your dd looks like, not about her health or happiness.

I don’t know. I’m shocking myself. I consider myself a feminist. I say looks don’t matter. But in my head I’m thinking, “Flipping heck you’ve let yourself go love”. I’m obviously more conditioned than I thought.

But this thread has been very helpful. I can’t help my gut reaction but I can certainly stop myself saying something. And hope she doesn’t guess what I’m thinking.

I honestly don’t think anything is up; she said herself that she’s been massively busy with her course and eating crap. I have already made her favourite dinner, her second favourite and we’ve been out for a curry.

But everyone is right; her being happy in herself is the most important thing. She’s back from the gym. She ate tuna and salad for lunch. We will have pizza for tea. I will sort myself out.

My kids are gorgeous though, because DH is gorgeous. Like I said, I was a plain Jane who bloomed in her twenties. My sister was the pretty one; I was the clever one. No one ever told me I was pretty when I was growing up and having good looking, socially confident kids has been both lovely and unexpected. It gives me a great buzz. Of course I know it’s not as important as the fact that they are kind and clever and funny.

Life is just easier when you are good looking.

Life is definitely easier for good looking people to an extent (job interviews/initial impressions etc) but then you get the flip side of that, jealousy and hate.

Beautiful people still get cheated on like anyone else for example.

Nothing is simple.

OP your own issues with self esteem and your misguided emphasis on conventional physical attractiveness is screaming through in this post. Please don't put those unhealthy attitudes onto your daughter. It sounds like while she's been a normal weight and of an appearance that pleases you you've managed to avoid it which is great - but now is the time to step up and do the work you need to do to avoid setting her up for a fall. I say this with kindness as your own attitudes are a product of your experiences and upbringing and must be difficult for you to deal with.

It's a shame that you care about her looks to the extent you want to fix it (sending her to the gym, feeding her a salad dinner)

Can you try and pretend you have not noticed? Cook her a nice treat meal, make her favourite pud, talk about her life... that's what I'd do

A few years ago i came across some photos of myself and my friends taken in the first year of university. We all have plump cheeks! All of us slimmed down again.

“Talk you down” about your DD’s weight? Talk you down from what - your ridiculous hysteria?

I moved to London when I was 17. Every time I returned home, I was some variation of over weight or under weight, with hair consistently wrecked from disastrous dye jobs and home haircuts from self-experimentation. My mum occasionally made comments about my weight or how my cousin always looked so lovely. I remember those comments now at 38.

Moon face! You need to seriously dial it down. It’s so nasty.

It isn’t an “unhealthy attitude” for a mother to take notice of her child’s wellbeing.