Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Please talk me down over DD's weight gain

146 replies

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 14:30

DD2 has come home from uni looking very portly. Her normally lovely face is like a moon and she's squished into her baggiest clothes. She's had her hair cut and very badly dyed. She's a stunning girl but she looks dreadful.

I am absolutely biting my tongue not to say something. Why though? I'm no stunner myself. I'm not even well groomed. I'm not bothered if my mates aren't supermodels. Why am I so invested in my kids being attractive? I keep thinking ridiculous thoughts like she'll never have a nice boyfriend.

Please help me unpick why I'm having such bitchy thoughts and help me keep my gob shut.

I have actually virtually harangued her to the gym. I'm planning salad for tea. Vipers, please he[p me get over myself.

OP posts:
Outofinspiration · 07/05/2019 18:21

Apparently my mum was 'horrified' at how much weight I gained in my first year at uni. She didn't tell me at the time, she told me after I had settled down with the drinking and junk food and lost it all again! I also got piercings and tattoos that my parents were not happy with but... Whaddayagunnado?

howwudufeel · 07/05/2019 18:23

My dmum calls a spade a shovel (northern). If I walked through the door looking like like that she would probably say something like what the bloody hell have you down to your hair and it may be an idea to lay off the pies. I am used to it and I would probably laugh.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/05/2019 18:26

OP, how would you feel if people didn't agree that you had 'bloomed' that you were in fact still plain and picked fault with your appearance? It would hit you very hard I think.

Your posts don't offer any self-reflection at all, no insight into how to support your daughter, just a continued attempt to bolster your own ego and bask in the reflected glory of having 'good-looking' children. It's unpleasant to read.

Maybe you're actually not like this in real life and you've just unwittingly put together a string of self-absorbed posts. I really hope you can conceal your obsession from your daughter and support her. That's your job.

DeadWife · 07/05/2019 18:30

I like that howwudufeel and I'm not even Northern.

Branleuse · 07/05/2019 18:31

I thought it was normal to gain uni-pounds due to all the shit eating and alcohol. She will lose it later. Dont make a big deal

Loopytiles · 07/05/2019 18:40

Loads of students put on weight, living and studying semi independently is a big change.

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 18:43

My OP didn’t say, “Slag me off for my nasty thoughts”, it asked for some help in unpacking them and understanding them because I am horrified at myself.

So thanks to the posters who have been measured and insightful. And for those who have basically ripped into me for being honest and asking for advice, well what can I say? Wonder how perfect you are?

OP posts:
userxx · 07/05/2019 18:48

It's probably due to drinking a hell of a lot more, of course you're going to be concerned.

CarolDanvers · 07/05/2019 18:51

You may think this things but never say them. Others will say them. You’re her mother and should never let her know that you’re judging her physical appearance. My Mum told me I wasn’t allowed to go on holiday unless I lost weight - I was nine stone - and my Dad told me I was looking really beefy when I was five months pregnant. I’ve never forgotten it.

DinosApple · 07/05/2019 18:58

I remember my bro coming back from uni, a bit heavier and with bleached hair. He takes after the Indian side of the family colouring wise so that was a pretty stark contrast especially with black eyebrows Grin. DM never said a word to him. The hair lasted a term and the weight settled at some point shortly after uni.

norrismcwhirtersfridgemagnet · 07/05/2019 18:59

Unfortunately if these are your views of her, and you're posting about them using terms like "talk me down" as though she's been arrested with a gun and a crack pipe, it's extremely likely she already knows exactly what you think. Your views are sadly a reflection of you more than her.

Japonicaflower2 · 07/05/2019 19:07

Unfortunately my mother's like you, judgemental and critical.
I'm 65 and she's still at it (she's 92). According to her I'm fat (yep, because I'm in heart failure), my hair's a mess (yep, medication's doing that) and lazy (yep, too breathless on a bad day to do much other their try to breathe).
I've had it all my bloody life.

Loopytiles · 07/05/2019 19:19

I reckon I will worry about this kind of thing too, mainly because of my own food/weight issues and binge drinking history! I would try very hard to hide my thoughts and feelings.

My mother never said anything critical of my appearance or weight, she just complimented me. Some of my friends’ mums said negative things to them, and it was noticed and often discussed amongst us.

wengie · 07/05/2019 19:26

Life is just easier when you are good looking.

Yet when you read about footballers cheating on there beautiful wives or girlfriends with scantily dressed women. To me they are all air heads and will probably end up with nothing in the end. What about intelligence or would you rather your DD flaunt her beauty to get a man. There is someone out there for everybody.

miagerbies · 07/05/2019 19:29

Tbh I'd be worried too, can't understand why some posters are jumping down your throat! We all want our dc to be happy and healthy. You should have a talk to her, make sure she is both.

Whats your relationship like usually, will she open up to you?

Dont push salad down the girls throat, it'll give her a complex. She must know how she looks. Just talk to her.

Alicatz66 · 07/05/2019 19:34

Please be happy she's healthy ... my partners daughter is in an eating disorder clinic ... it's horrendous .... don't be mean .

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/05/2019 19:58

OP, I am not and will never be 'perfect'. I will definitely NOT do to my daughter what you are doing to yours in your OP. It's not coming across to me as concern for her, just that she's not looking as she should, in your opinion, which seems to impact you somehow.

You seem quite please with your actions in 'haranguing her to the gym'. You're not liking the horrified posts, understandably. Why do randoms need to be 'talking you down' for your bitchy thoughts? She's your daughter, presumably you love her, but you could do so much damage if you're not careful.

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 20:11

I’m not doing anything to my daughter Lying I am having thoughts about her appearance which have taken me by surprise and I am struggling to process.

Damn right I’m happy she went to the gym, she’s come home all rosy cheeked and dyed her hair a fetching shade of orangey pink. She’s eaten pizza and salad and she’s currently chilling with DS2.

And I am very grateful to the people who have talked me down from having a “concerned word”. People who have just slagged me off simply for being honest and asking for input obviously have their own issues.

OP posts:
thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 07/05/2019 20:22

Be very careful what you say.

My mum has always criticised my appearance and it can feel hurtful

I'm 38 now and at the weekend she stared at me for a minute and declared that my face was "blotchy" and walked off.

Erm, thanks.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 07/05/2019 20:25

OP your post and the response to it is an example of a spreading trend that I've noted in society; people aren't allowed to have potentially judgemental thoughts at all.

I'm in agreement that if you think something unpleasant then you should have the self-awareness to realise it's unpleasant and keep it to yourself, but the insistence that you're a terrible person for having thought it at all worries me deeply. It verges on thoughtcrime, IMO.

I think you've done well in realising that your knee-jerk response is not an ideal one, and in seeking help from others in moving forward.

sparklefarts · 07/05/2019 20:27

I don’t really have body issues.

Yes you do.

foodiefil · 07/05/2019 20:32

Well done for trying to keep your mouth shut.

I have a mother who does not and it mightily pisses me off and hurts me and makes me think a lot less of her.

Is she happy? Good on her for working hard. It can be easy to just eat shit - and cheaper. You could talk to her about thrifty meal plans (that are healthy).

Floatingfancy · 07/05/2019 20:36

Did you talk about your weight and healthy eating when she was growing up?

I love my mother but she was obsessed with healthy eating, cooked everything from scratch, we were never allowed crisps or sweets or takeaways.

The consequence of that is when I went to uni I went mad on junk food, takeaways, chocolate, crisps and generally all the things I was denied growing up. Put on 2 stone.

Which is why I do not restrict food for my children.

Exploration2018 · 07/05/2019 20:46

You want people to help you unpick. I think it is a natural instinct. Most people want their child to be successful in life and being academic, good looking/ healthy looking and tall are some of the factors which help us to be more successful. You are more likely to be employed if you are good looking apparently. You are also more likely to attract a wider range of people to choose from as a partner. Wanting your child to have successful attributes isn't necessarily shallow, not loving them because of a lack of such attributes would be shallow.

Regarding the weight, you obviously know that you have to tread carefully. If she is back from Uni for the summer, say you want to get fit and ask her to join you. Make lots of salads, get in loads of fruit and don't buy any unhealthy snacks.

As her about her alcohol intake and talk to her in terms of general health.

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 20:52

I did talk about healthy eating and cook from scratch. But my kids always had biscuits, cakes takeaways and crisps in moderation. DD has always been one to get the extra treats in when she had friends over and always been the one who really liked pasta, bread and all the carby stuff. She also likes exercise less than the others.

I’m not going to lie, we do have a bit of a culture in our house of ribbing each other over a few extra pounds. Like howudifeel upthread, there is pie related banter, particularly between DH and his brother and our eldest. DD has never been part of that though as she is quite sensitive and wouldn’t like it.

OP posts: