Please talk me down over DD's weight gain

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

DD2 has come home from uni looking very portly. Her normally lovely face is like a moon and she's squished into her baggiest clothes. She's had her hair cut and very badly dyed. She's a stunning girl but she looks dreadful.

I am absolutely biting my tongue not to say something. Why though? I'm no stunner myself. I'm not even well groomed. I'm not bothered if my mates aren't supermodels. Why am I so invested in my kids being attractive? I keep thinking ridiculous thoughts like she'll never have a nice boyfriend.

Please help me unpick why I'm having such bitchy thoughts and help me keep my gob shut.

I have actually virtually harangued her to the gym. I'm planning salad for tea. Vipers, please he[p me get over myself.

You're her MOTHER. Why would you even consider criticising her weight or appearance?

Do some mothers not do this?

I rather assumed it was a natural process my mother needs to do to stay alive; much like breathing, except more frequent.

She might not be on the end of the ribbing but she still hears it and internalises it.

I'm at uni also and for the first time in my life (mature student) I've put on a noticeable amount of weight. I've spent endless hours on my laptop over the past few months and I've just had to be kind to myself (with chocolate) to get through the stress. It's surprising stressful!

I plan to look after myself more during the summer break, hopefully your daughter will too.

My heaviest time of my life was when I was at uni. Too much spare time and access to chocolate bars were to blame.
I lost it without trying when I left and my lifestyle changed - got a job etc.
Maybe she's just going through a podgy phase like I did. Try not to stress about it.

I’m not going to lie, we do have a bit of a culture in our house of ribbing each other over a few extra pounds

Please try to stop this. Even if it’s not aimed at your dd, do you think she doesn’t hear and absorb this?

endless hours on my laptop

I agree - this doesn't help (along with the drinking culture of uni and the ease of grabbing ready meals or chocolate to keep you going). I'm a mature student and have gained half a stone since starting my degree and it's from sitting on my bum and studying, rather than getting outside and doing something else.

I think it’s important to remember that not everyone who is told they have put on weight lets it affect their self esteem. Some people take the advice and improve their health and others laugh it off and get on with their lives. I know that fat shaming is a thing and it’s it something I approve of but not every conversation about weight is fat shaming.

Knock it on.the head. Seriously.
You're her shelter. Her ally.
Whatever shit the world chucks at her.
Words hurt. Support her.

My kids are gorgeous though, because DH is gorgeous. Like I said, I was a plain Jane who bloomed in her twenties. My sister was the pretty one; I was the clever one. No one ever told me I was pretty when I was growing up and having good looking, socially confident kids has been both lovely and unexpected. It gives me a great buzz

I think this is more about you. Be careful OP - 2 or 3 wrong words here can stay a lifetime (they have for me)

Make her feel seen, heard and special - for her inside, not her outside. It's the only way to be. I think as a family, it sounds like appearance is higher on your agenda than you think

If she had to explain to you that she’s been working hard and eating crap, then clearly you have made your feelings about her weight known.

She won’t forget that. Ever. Well done 🙄

I rather assumed it was a natural process my mother needs to do to stay alive; much like breathing, except more frequent.

Hah, me too!

I moved abroad for uni. All the new things to buy and eat and drink that were different from home. No mum (or fear of mum) to lurk in the background making me feel ashamed about a snack. Weirdly at the time my bulimia symtoms (which I'd had since 14) also pretty much stopped completely for the first year of uni. (They came back with a vengence later.) Going back to visit home for the first time, and both my parents made a point of telling me right at the airport arrivals how much weight I'd gained. Nice to see you too, indeed. They only sort of stopped commenting on my weight change at each visit - be it up or down - after I had a tantrum at them and was very graphic about throwing up blood in my purges these days. They now only comment indirectly, while making comments about how some people are so sensitive.

Please don't say anything to your DD. She knows she's gained weight. If she is of normal intelligence, has been to school and knows how to read (which I assume if she's in uni) she will also know what makes one gain weight and how to lose it.

Jesus. Poor poor girl. The only think making her feel shit will be you nagging her to go to the gym.
I put on loads of weight at uni and look at photos now and just remember my mother's comments instead feeling proud of all I achieved there.
Just let her be if she seems happy. Maybe offer to pay for her to get her hair done. A pure luxury when a broke student. Just be nice. It's shouldn't be hard since she is your.child.

I’m not going to lie, we do have a bit of a culture in our house of ribbing each other over a few extra pounds

Sorry but that is awful.

I have a heavy cold so watched some TV this morning. Within about half an hour the presenters had talked to Katie Price about her cosmetic surgery to remove body fat, they showed a photo of Kelly Hoppen in a bikini to show what a good figure she had and Lorraine Kelly talked about how Lisa Snowden uses chopsticks to eat as a way of watching her weight. Apparently Lorraine thought this was a brilliant idea. My point is that women are bombarded with with this shit constantly and so I think we should focus on this being the problem rather than the concerns of a clearly loving mother who is concerned her dd has put on a few pounds.

The way you describe her weight gain I think is most likely attributed to alcohol.

Friends of dds who went to uni (you never see them without a glass in their hands in pictures) have all ballooned to some extent.

I don’t think the amount she is eating comes into it.

Jesus if your DD is already "quite sensitive" how on earth do you think she feels about your subtle as a fucking brick suggestion that she go to the gym?

You sound dreadful.

I was about to come on and reply just like the first few outraged responses.

Then I thought about it and this would make me sad too. I want the best for my DD and that absolutely doesn’t mean looking attractive BUT often our outer selves is a reflection of our inner selves.

It’s a very tricky subject though so tread carefully but I commend you for posting and thinking about your thoughts.
I bet there’s lots of people reading who have commented negatively on their DDs appearance without thinking, I have - even though my first response was WTF when I read your post. Just things like “ah DD ” which we both find funny because she thinks nothing of wearing the strangest of things (shorts with one normal sock, one ankle sock a pair of sandals and a big wooly jumper) I wonder how that will translate when she’s older though.

I think it’s silly to imagine wouldn’t even think it if our DDs looked drastically different and unhealthy.

Would it be rude to comment if she had become anorexic?

Would it be rude to comment if she had become anorexic?

Obviously you wouldn't ignore the serious illness. But even in that situation I doubt it would be helpful to anyone at all to actually make judging comments about her appearance, even if it was about you disliking the very thin look.

There really is nothing wrong about having opinions about other people’s weight - it is a very basic indicator of their state of health and mind.

The issue - which is the very issue raised by the OP - is whether and how you engage with that opinion.

The way you describe her weight gain I think is most likely attributed to alcohol.
Could be - could also be course load - I put on weight on my MSc as the course load was brutal at times - really long days sat at screens near deadline regularly up to early hours - not enough sleep, no exercise and skipping meals and then eating junk.

Had similar with one of the first jobs I had – lots of unpaid expected over time and only place to eat was office with constant interruptions – so often skipped meal entirely and really long commute. They moved office so I had to move flats – went from nearly 2 hour commute twice a day to 10 minute walk – my weight and eating habits quickly improved.

It really is a dilemma. My 8yo DD is chunking up a bit and although I have control over what she has access to, I'm struggling with how to approach it. I don't want to ban food or give her life long issues.

I will always remember going clothes shopping with my mum for a family wedding just after I had had DS1. She actually said 'I can't believe I've got a daughter who's so big' I was always slim and I am now but I went huge during my first pregnancy. It totally shocked me and I'll never forget it.

Op as asked for insight as to WHY she feels this way,she clearly knows it’s not right to feel this way, and is trying to figure out why she’s thinking like this so just having a go her is not help at all really
I thought it’s an interesting question
As it seems a pretty common thing

We get fed up of in-laws commenting on other people’s weight
In front of our dc
And have to say things back to them like tbh we don’t really take much notice of other people’s weight etc

Mil declares herself disgusting in form of dc for weighing 10 stone in her mid 70s
At a height of probably about 5ft 6 /5ft 8

So out of 100+ posts, most of you would not say anything if your child came home from being away and had gained a lot of weight? Really?

I would, as would my parents, brothers and sisters. We’d say it kindly but honestly, this pussy footing around weight issues is getting ridiculous. Having friends and family keeping quiet does not do anyone any favours in the long run.

You're her MOTHER. Why would you even consider criticising her weight or appearance?

Because you're her mother! A parent can point this out as you can be sure friends won't say a damn thing.

LardLizzard that's disgraceful. If you've said about not commenting about weight in front of your children previously and she still comes out with that, I would say, "Do something about it then, MIL. Your weight, your business".

That would shut her up because people who blether on like that are just making.a.point. They need to be put back in their boxes. Makes me shudder.