Please talk me down over DD's weight gain

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

DD2 has come home from uni looking very portly. Her normally lovely face is like a moon and she's squished into her baggiest clothes. She's had her hair cut and very badly dyed. She's a stunning girl but she looks dreadful.

I am absolutely biting my tongue not to say something. Why though? I'm no stunner myself. I'm not even well groomed. I'm not bothered if my mates aren't supermodels. Why am I so invested in my kids being attractive? I keep thinking ridiculous thoughts like she'll never have a nice boyfriend.

Please help me unpick why I'm having such bitchy thoughts and help me keep my gob shut.

I have actually virtually harangued her to the gym. I'm planning salad for tea. Vipers, please he[p me get over myself.

Why does it need said though MrsJ? I'm sure OP's daughter is perfectly aware that she has gained weight. What's the benefit in having her mother point it out?

I would, as would my parents, brothers and sisters.

Why? Do you not think the OP's DD knows she has gained weight?

You must treat her like you’d treat a friend. Respect her choices regarding her appearance and not express an opinion unless asked for one.

It’s just not on to make personal comments about our children’s appearance.

Your dd needs to know that you love and accept her unconditionally and that she is always beautiful in your eyes. That’s what will give her self esteem and confidence.

I’m another who remembers maternal comments from 20+ years ago. They really damaged my relationship with my mum and my view of myself.

You must treat her like you’d treat a friend. Respect her choices regarding her appearance and not express an opinion unless asked for one

Perfectly put

I would, as would my parents, brothers and sisters. We’d say it kindly but honestly, this pussy footing around weight issues is getting ridiculous. Having friends and family keeping quiet does not do anyone any favours in the long run.

Says you.

My body is my business.

Whether I’m underweight, overweight, gaining, losing ... my body, my weight, my business.

Mind you own.

On the other hand I wish someone had said something to me. I got dreadfully fat in the first 2 years at uni. I didn't really notice how bad it was. I was drinking too much and eating crap. You don't need to be horrid about it.

Maybe offer to take her clothes shopping.

My mum was heavily critical of my weight and appearance and it only made me fatter.

If you must discuss anything with her, talk about the importance of nutrition and of balance. Encourage her to look after herself without ever mentioning weight or clothing size.

Incrediblysadtoo Wouldn’t you care if one of your dc were eating or starving themselves to death?

Incrediblysadtoo Wouldn’t you care if one of your dc were eating or starving themselves to death?

No. Not at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

🙄

There’s a WORLD of difference between putting on or losing weight and genuinely doing either to the extreme of requiring medical intervention.

Ok so as someone who put on a massive amount of weight during uni...

Uni is a time to be on your own, to discover the right eating habits on your own, to eat a bunch of crap, to live on a diet of coffee and energy drinks, to pull all nighters for essays, to discover some self expression, to make shitty decisions, to dye your hair ridiculous colours, to get a stupid tattoo, to get stoned, to get drunk and just generally get that irresponsible behaviour out the way 😂 (disclaimer: not everyone behaves the same way)

My weight gain was a symptom of my general unhappiness. Anxiety, depression and stuck in a relationship to a man who was a cunt (told me endlessly that my choices and my career choice was shit).

She may not be happy. Your bitchy thoughts may be as a result of your sub conscious thinking 'something's not right here'. I do think you need to adjust that way of thinking though - 'blimey you've let yourself go' is not really a mum thing to say, it's not really something someone who cares about someone says.

Perhaps your daughter has anxiety? Or depression? Perhaps she is just really stressed. Either way, please make sure she knows where her mental health services are (every uni has one), make sure you're always there when she needs you to chat or whatever. If she asks why you're saying all of that, just say you noticed she's not quite herself and you wanted to make sure she's ok.

Uni is a time to be on your own, to discover the right eating habits on your own, to eat a bunch of crap, to live on a diet of coffee and energy drinks, to pull all nighters for essays, to discover some self expression, to make shitty decisions, to dye your hair ridiculous colours, to get a stupid tattoo, to get stoned, to get drunk and just generally get that irresponsible behaviour out the way... My weight gain was a symptom of my general unhappiness. Anxiety, depression and stuck in a relationship to a man who was a cunt (told me endlessly that my choices and my career choice was shit).

And you think that was a useful way to spend three years?!

incredibleysadtoo being overweight is a significant cause of cancer and other health issues. I can’t imagine how a parent wouldn’t care about that.

That is one hell of a negative take on life at university plinkplink

@MariaNovella

Wow... taking it out of context there.

I also got a degree. Thanks.

And for the record, I didnt do all of those things. That's just generally what alot of students do.

@howwudufeel

Ah yes, sorry about that. Didnt quite realise it had come off so negative 🙈

I did say in my post though that I suffered awfully with anxiety and depression.

That is just my experience (wish I could go back and do it all again now - I don't suffer with it anymore) and not everyone's experience will be the same. But it could be something her daughter is going through.

bigKiteFlying it was the comments about the moon shape face that makes me think that the cause is alcohol related

My school friends at uni either put weight on because of beer and takeaways or lost weight because they couldn’t cook and had no money. I still remember coming home at the weekend and my mum being horrified at my lipstick and another time commenting on my weight gain. My mum is lovely and I know she was doing it from a place of concern but it definitely felt a bit sore that I hadn’t seen her for ages and they were the things she commented on. I guess the fact that I remember it 18 years later probably tells you what you need to know about how it made me feel.

She’s a grown up but she still needs your support. It’s ok to enquire gently that she’s doing ok but honestly, I wouldn’t mention her appearance.

i remember going home right chubby- i couldn't work out why! (it was living on toast!) my mum didn't say anything and always told me (erroneously!) that i was beautiful. i no longer have big face, (but always have a big head and big love for my mum.)

Well done your Mum, Helmet.

I've decided how I will tackle this or any other issue for my own children as it's what I would have wanted (when I had my ill-advised breast reduction at just 15), I would have wanted my Mum to just hold my hands and say, "What do you need, Lying? What can I do to help?". Anyway, that's what I'm going to do for my own children.

It's not difficult to see when somebody's in pain/hurting inside, even if you don't know what the trigger is. If they're your child then you can't ignore it but there's no need to start verbalising the 'faults'. I'm determined not to do that because it sent me into a spiral and I don't want that for my own kids.

I'll find other ways to upset them, I'm sure, but they'll know that they're accepted whatever because I'll din that into their heads.

Why not have an intelligent conversation with your kids that's what I do. If I see something that I don't like I google why it could harm them and then I ask them to google it as well. That way they are well informed about what is bad for them. Knowledge is key in all this.

An overweight or obese person show them what could happen and talk to them. What parent is going to want there child to have diabetes or heart problems and possibly an early death. Anorexia and obesity are health problems they can kill you. Yet when someone comments about a persons weight gain its fat shaming not that it can shorten your life and kill you.