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Original poster

Please talk me down over DD's weight gain

146 replies

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 14:30

DD2 has come home from uni looking very portly. Her normally lovely face is like a moon and she's squished into her baggiest clothes. She's had her hair cut and very badly dyed. She's a stunning girl but she looks dreadful.

I am absolutely biting my tongue not to say something. Why though? I'm no stunner myself. I'm not even well groomed. I'm not bothered if my mates aren't supermodels. Why am I so invested in my kids being attractive? I keep thinking ridiculous thoughts like she'll never have a nice boyfriend.

Please help me unpick why I'm having such bitchy thoughts and help me keep my gob shut.

I have actually virtually harangued her to the gym. I'm planning salad for tea. Vipers, please he[p me get over myself.

OP posts:
AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 07/05/2019 15:02

Does she know how to cook healthy budget meals? When I was a fresher I knew someone who lived almost exclusively off a diet of turkey twizzlers and potato waffles.

Is she in first year? If so, it's probably part of the adjustment. If it's a subsequent year and this is a big change, I'd wonder if there's something going on.

Needallthesleep · 07/05/2019 15:03

This is so normal. Most people I know (myself included) put a lot of weight on at university. Mainly because they were having too much fun. The people I know from uni are now slim, groomed, and don’t live off a diet of pasta, pizza and vodka.

Encourage healthy habits where you can, but don’t do what my dad did and tell her you think she’s fat.

BettyDuMonde · 07/05/2019 15:07

Don’t judge her hair, but maybe gently help her figure out easy ways to be healthier at uni - would a bicycle help? Very popular on some campuses. Or maybe you could pay a monthly subscription for the campus leisure centre/ subs for a sports society.

Don’t make it about food, talk about activity.

Shit hair is a right of passage, ignore it!

BookwormMe2 · 07/05/2019 15:08

Don't be that mother and give your daughter a body image complex - it sounds like your own is bad enough. Encourage her to be healthy but don't make a song and dance about it and don't serve her salad for a tea as a punishment because you don't like the way she looks.

englishdictionary · 07/05/2019 15:09

If my daughter arrived home like that my concern would be her health and well-being not that she wasn't attractive. Fucking hell there are some right shallow bastards kicking about.

OP. Love your DD. That is all.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 07/05/2019 15:10

This made me really sad. Most students put on a few pounds when they start uni, most shake it off quite quickly once the novelty of eating and drinking whatever they want, whenever they want wears off.

My DD went the other way - she was so determined not to acquire the ‘freshers 7’ she went on a totally unnecessary diet which became the first steps into anorexia nervosa that lasted 4 years. At one point she was so thin and ill she had to take a year off as she wasn’t strong enough to function normally. She is mostly recovered now but still has occasional relapses. So I know from bitter experience there are a lot worse things in life than a student being a bit ‘portly’.

cakeandchampagne · 07/05/2019 15:14

She might already have some nice boyfriends. Smile

She came back to see family. She is trying things and learning who she wants to be as an adult.
I would just be thrilled to see her.

bigKiteFlying · 07/05/2019 15:15

I lost weight when I started - ate less at meals, skipped a few, and walked for miles.

WHen I went back people commented - usually positively but my Mum didn't she was really worried but it came out with very negative comments.

I'd check she was okay, maybe buy a few better fitting clothes and keep an eye on her going forward.

MariaNovella · 07/05/2019 15:15

You are right to be concerned, OP. Your DD isn’t managing to maintain the standards of self care now she is at university that she achieved at home with your support. We have one DC like this and it’s frustrating and worrying.

My advice is to make the same healthy food you always have done now your DD is at home and to see whether she adjusts her selfcare standards upwards of her own accord now that she is back on familiar supportive home ground. Give her extra love, not a beating.

Saffy101 · 07/05/2019 15:17

As LittleAndOften says BUT also she may be struggling in some way friends, Uni work, loneliness! Don't add to her woes.

CurtainsAndCords · 07/05/2019 15:19

I remember going to a shop after returning from uni and the woman in there saying 'wow curtains you're supposed to go and be on student rations' what the hell happened?

I was gutted. So humiliated.

I've never shopped there again (her own small business) and still tell anyone that asks. It was over 20 years ago and I'm now thin but she's on my shit list and isn't coming off.

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 15:21

She’s not a fresher. It’s the end of her second year. She knows how to cook. And she seems to be having a good time.

We’re a very healthy household. I don’t really have body issues. I’m not gorgeous but I’m not hideous.

OP posts:
Kez200 · 07/05/2019 15:21

There are words you use I don't like but essentially, I think you are concerned its a symptom of something you can help with - but don't know how, as it seems to require you to criticize what she looks like.

I agree you need to be very very careful how you deal with this. But you need to find out somehow if she is unhappy, unsettled, depressed, affording money and time to eat properly.

Hopefully its none of those and its because she IS happy thats she's changed.

Letsnotusemyname · 07/05/2019 15:22

Least said, soonest mended.

My eldest has different coloured hair every time we meet. (Currently blue).

It’s not really a problem.

Going to uni isn’t just an academic thing - there’s a degree of finding yourself.

Cegbee · 07/05/2019 15:23

I put on loads of weight in my first term at uni. My clothes were tight, I knew it. My Granny very non-subtly commented 'you look better with some meat in your bones'. I felt awful about myself. I went back to uni and severely restricted my food intake and made myself sick when I ate a proper meal. Harmless comments can make a big impact especially when life is suddenly so different. She'll work out a better diet and exercise on her own in time.

Acis · 07/05/2019 15:29

You harangued her to the gym? Well, that's one way of persuading your children to leave home, I suppose.

CielBleuEtNuages · 07/05/2019 15:30

I lost loads of weight in my first term. A close friend committed suicide the weekend I started uni and I was fucking miserable.

My mum just took me shopping (my clothes were literally hanging off me) and didn't say anything negative. That helped much more than any criticism of my health.

wengie · 07/05/2019 15:34

As long as she keeps her self clean and where she is living clean I wouldn't worry.

Springwalk · 07/05/2019 15:35

Op I thought you were just kidding us all for a while, never thinking for one minute this post might be real, but it appears it just might be....and you my love need to hang your head in shame!!!!

You have described your own child as: dreadful, portly and a face like a moon!!!! I mean seriously??!!

Your dd can do as she pleases now, and thank god she no longer needs to answer to a hag of a mother.

Poor girl who needs enemies when she has a mother so happy to take her down :(

speedbird55 · 07/05/2019 15:37

My friend went off to uni and put on loads of weight , she went as around size 12/14 and left size 22/ 24 she had an amazing time from what she said about it and later after leaving but still a big size met and eventually married her DH
However her grandparents continuously fat shamed her and now she has eating problems , last time I saw her a couple of years ago she was absolutely tiny around size 6 - far too small and skinny for her height thanks to her grandparents interfering

Your daughter will know that she has put on weight she will not need to be told this fact and unless she has gained it because of a medical prob she needs love and support not fat shaming , she will loose the gained weight eventually

Isadora2007 · 07/05/2019 15:37

Not your body. Not your business. Is that easier?

starsparkle08 · 07/05/2019 15:37

Poor girl .

When I was at university I went through an awful time . I was raped . I gained a lot of weight quite quickly and also developed hypothyroidism . It was awful .
My family said I had a moon face and that it actually a sign of hypothyroidism in itself . It was very hurtful at the time

DeadWife · 07/05/2019 15:42

I would be concerned OP.

To drastically change appearance-wise or stop caring about it could be a sign of depression or something going on emotionally.

A loving mother would notice and care.

My mother wouldn't have noticed if I'd set my hair on fire and painted myself blue at that age. But that's another thread.

All you can do is make sure she knows she can come and talk to you about anything and she feels loved. But I would wait for her to come to you about it.

IHateUncleJamie · 07/05/2019 15:43

We’re a very healthy household

Maybe she’s rebelling now that she gets to choose what she eats and doesn’t have to be “healthy”.

I did that at uni; my mother was obsessed with “healthy” eating and people’s weight and the food at home was vile. I rebelled at uni and lived off takeaways and cheap, tasty food, put on a stone or so, got a horrible haircut.

When I got home both my parents shamed me because of the way I looked. My mother actually refused to be seen in public with me because I was “so fat”.

I was horribly depressed but my mother wasn’t someone I could talk to so she probably thought I was fine. Just saying. Hmm

Preggosaurus9 · 07/05/2019 15:46

I am pretty sure that at her age your DD knows about the links between diet, exercise and weight gain. So shut up! All you will do with those comments is damage your relationship, perhaps beyond repair. Let her be. She is not an idiot, she is an adult now.