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Original poster

Emigrating to Aussie with 2 children & my new partner - leaving their dad behind!

135 replies

SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 14:52

Hi All, We live in the UK & have the opportunity to emigrate to Aussie - this however would mean taking my two sons who are 13 & 9 away from their father whom I divorced 8 years ago! My heart and head are in turmoil and I thought I would reach out to see if anyone had had a similar experience? My boys see their father every 2 wks for 2 nights, he is not in their lives any other times and doesn't take a very active role in parenting. We do not see eye to eye - so I know that telling him of our plans to move away will not go well. My thoughts are that I want so badly to give my children the best opportunity in life and a better quality of life than they have in the UK - BUT can I do this to their father? Can I take them away from him? and his extended family? All to fulfill my & my new partner's dream of living in Aus :(

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 29/04/2019 14:56

Your and your partners dream? What about your DCs? Have you asked how they feel?

isabellerossignol · 29/04/2019 14:56

You've mentioned the effect it would have on their father and extended family but not about the effect it would have on them.

FissionChips · 29/04/2019 14:57

What do your children think?

CAB website says he can probably stop you taking them out of the uk without his permission, maybe you should look into that.

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Families
FluffySocks123 · 29/04/2019 14:57

Do you have a court order in place?

I think you need his permission to take his children to live outside the country.

Have you spoken to him at all about your plans?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 29/04/2019 14:57

How long have you been with your partner for?

Original poster
SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 14:58

Yep - can I take them from him & his family... meaning can I do this to them! It's so tough - they are not that close and probably only see the extended family at Christmas & Birthdays, but even so they are their family

OP posts:
isabellerossignol · 29/04/2019 14:59

What would happen if things don't work out with your partner? How would you feel if the boys father told you he was emigrating? Do the boys like your partner? There's so much more to it than you and your partner's dream.

FiremanKing · 29/04/2019 15:00

It’s quite possible that in a few years time they would lessen contact with their father purely because of their independence and social lives. That’s what I found when they were teens they didn’t want to go on visits to their father or grandmother on his side, not particularly because of any ill will but because they wanted to be out with their friends instead.

So, hopefully the father will understand and give you all his blessing.

RomanyQueen1 · 29/04/2019 15:00

I think you need his permission.
You need to put them first and what's best for them, you don't need us to tell you they are more important than a new partner.
what if it doesn't work out with new bf? it doesn't sound like you've been together long.

Original poster
SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 15:01

My eldest knows, and is really excited about the prospect of doing it... but of course apprehensive. We haven't officially announced it yet, and haven't told my youngest as we don't want to upset him unnecessarily - he will be gutted though

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 15:02

Yes we know the legalitites and are prepared for him to not grant us permission - this is more a heart over head senario... we know we can apply and go to court, but can I do this to my children and regardless of the differences with my ex - can I do this to him?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 29/04/2019 15:02

We had a similar opportunity, never even properly considers it as it wasn't fair on the children. No regrets either, no matter what I wanted it wasn't my right to do this.

FlibbertyGiblets · 29/04/2019 15:02

You'll need the fathers permission. Failing that a court order.

Annual visits to the UK to see their father wouldn't be unreasonable, facilitated by you. V expensive I imagine.

A lot different to eow 2-nighters.

FissionChips · 29/04/2019 15:02

How long to have you been with your new partner? I think it makes a difference.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/04/2019 15:04

DO you plan to have more children? Because I know someone who did and ended up with children in two different countries unable to move either set and never able to live with both.

Figgygal · 29/04/2019 15:05

I agree as they grow older those relationships with family will likely fade even further but I don't think at those ages I could take them away from their friends let alone their father.
Good your eldest is on board

littlemeitslyn · 29/04/2019 15:10

You do realise you will need fathers permission? I got into terrible trouble just moving from England to Scotland

EvilDog · 29/04/2019 15:10

My step brother was in your exh situation - his exw wanted to move to Australia and take their boys (they were a bit older at 11 and 14)

Difference is they actually sat down and talked about it before it was even mentioned to the kids. Lots of tears and tantrums, but he saw that it was a better life for the kids and they left with his blessing. His exw pays for all costs involved with contact whether that’s him flying over or the dc coming back to the U.K. - even now that the dc are 21 and 24.
Bottom line is you have to agree as to what is in the children’s beat interests and you’re not going to do that by arranging it all then springing it on him as a surprise. I think it took just over a year of negotiations between my step brother and his ex to iron out all the fine points.

ittakes2 · 29/04/2019 15:13

2 nights in 2 weeks is not nothing - its 36 days a year. Which might not sound like much but it might mean something to your boys and their father.
I was born in Oz - its a fantastic lifestyle and place to bring up children...but personally I would be concerned if your boys don't want to go. They won't settle and you could find they head back to the Uk when they are old enough leaving you with the new life you built in Oz.
I would be especially concerned because of their ages - especially the 13 year old. Unless he wants to go you will be taking him from his friendship and support network and plonking him in a new country where he will have to break into existing friendship groups. This is a crutial time for his age group - you need to know he has a good bunch of friends around him when he is being exposed to drink and drugs.
The 9 year old is OK - he can start highschool at 12 and all the children will be making new friends first year of high school.
But it seems to me that when I talk to people its the older children who struggle more with the change unless they really want to go.

Karigan195 · 29/04/2019 15:13

Legally I don’t think you can just spirit them away like that. Might even be an offence depending on circs.

You’re trying to suggest father is not in their lives sufficiently for it to be an issue but that rather conflicts with the fact they are regularly seeing their father. Personally I think this would a be totally wrong thing to do without speaking to him and perhaps agreeing a means of maintaining contact.

Troels · 29/04/2019 15:22

2 nights in two weeks is regular contact. I doubt a judge will allow you to do it against his wishes for yours and Dp's dream. The kids are entitled to spend time with their Dad, like it or not.

MyDcAreMarvel · 29/04/2019 15:26

You will need his permission, I don’t think it’s fair on your boys to take them away from their Father.

paap1975 · 29/04/2019 15:26

Where I live, there is a big expat community and it isn't uncommon for kids to have a parent in a different country. They generally take long holidays with the parent they don't live with (and maybe see them more that way than when they lived together).

As for changing schools, I went to 8 schools in 3 different countries and have suffered no lasting damage.

As a parent you sometimes have to take decisions that are tough in the short-term but have long-term benefits. It's your job as an adult to weigh up the pros and cons.

Ninkaninus · 29/04/2019 15:29

I wouldn’t do it. No way in the world would I ever take my children that far away from their other parent. I could have gone home to Scandinavia when I got divorced, and I would have loved to have done so because I miss home. But I knew that this was my children’s home and that their dad was here, so that took precedence.

I think it’s monumentally selfish to deprive them of a close relationship with their father.

PinkHeart5914 · 29/04/2019 15:31

Thing is if you go to Australia the relationship with the father will be fucked and that is on you. It’s too far away to maintain a good relationship.

How would you like it if he took the children away from you like that? To play happy families with a new partner because it’s the dream

Your also going to need the fathers permission and be honest if you were him would you give permission? As a mother I’d have to be dead before someone took my dc to the other side of the world

It might be your dream but your a parent too and sometimes it’s tough luck we get don’t our dreams because dc should always be the priority.

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