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Original poster

Emigrating to Aussie with 2 children & my new partner - leaving their dad behind!

135 replies

SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 14:52

Hi All, We live in the UK & have the opportunity to emigrate to Aussie - this however would mean taking my two sons who are 13 & 9 away from their father whom I divorced 8 years ago! My heart and head are in turmoil and I thought I would reach out to see if anyone had had a similar experience? My boys see their father every 2 wks for 2 nights, he is not in their lives any other times and doesn't take a very active role in parenting. We do not see eye to eye - so I know that telling him of our plans to move away will not go well. My thoughts are that I want so badly to give my children the best opportunity in life and a better quality of life than they have in the UK - BUT can I do this to their father? Can I take them away from him? and his extended family? All to fulfill my & my new partner's dream of living in Aus :(

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahLuna · 30/04/2019 07:28

I have no intention of taking without his permission!

OP posts:
mrbob · 30/04/2019 07:46

It is unfortunate because now you have suggested it to your eldest and got them excited, if your ex says no then he becomes the big baddie doesn't he? I agree with everyone else that he should have been the FIRST one this was discussed with.
Sometimes you have to give up YOUR dream because YOU made the decision to have children. Life is not always fair but this needs to be about maintaining the relationship between your children and their father.
Ps Australia IS awesome and I definitely feel a much nicer place to bring up children in SO many ways (I have been here for years) but it is irrelevant at this point!

Aquifolium · 30/04/2019 07:54

I want so badly to give my children the best opportunity in life and a better quality of life than they have in the UK

I’m not convinced emigrating to Australia equals a better quality of life... although it depends what gives quality to your life.
Personally I find lasting friendship and family are crucial to my quality of life.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Bbub · 30/04/2019 08:00

I think this would be a huge mistake and you owe it to your sons to facilitate them having a strong and close relationship with their father for as long as they want/til they are adults.

My sister did this and regrets it now. It didn't work out with new guy who she hoped would be a new dad for her child.

InceyWinceyette · 30/04/2019 08:01

I can’t imagine the emotional impact if a child knowing that one parent is taking the other to court to take them to the other side of the world.

I can see the attraction OP, but the fact that you think your younger child would be distraught is surely a significant deal breaker?

Is there any possibility that your ex would emigrate too, given that you choose suffered it years ago?

memaymamo · 30/04/2019 09:07

I think there are so many nuances that it's really hard to have an opinion on it. Overall you should be putting the children and their needs first, front and centre, but it's hard to predict how they'd get on in Australia. It might be the making of them!

As a side note, I have to say that nobody in Australia would call it Aussie. An Aussie is a person. The country is Oz or Australia.

fecketyfeck21 · 30/04/2019 09:55

op you said in your opening post 'new partner' and now it's your partner of 4.5 years, then there is the sudden drip feed Confused

Madamedeluxe · 30/04/2019 09:56

I wondered why you would say new partner when you have been together nearly five years.

memaymamo · 30/04/2019 10:13

'New partner' is probably as opposed to her old husband, ie the children's father.

PotatoScallop · 30/04/2019 10:15

Australia is a signatory to the Hague Convention. You need more than verbal permission to move your children away from their father.

If you are moving to Sydney, have you accounted for housing costs in your new salary offer? As an Aussie, I'm always amazed at the relatively low rental prices and salaries quoted in £ sterling. Even London. You would need a comparatively massive salary to rent in most parts of NSW.

Also, Aussies don't call it Oz. Only Poms. Wink

Everydaypeople · 30/04/2019 10:24

So can you answer the question, if they decide they want to stay with their df will you still want to follow your dream and go on your own and leave your children behind?

pikapikachu · 30/04/2019 10:35

Have you taken into account the higher cost of living in Australia- especially if you're moving to a city like Sydney? I know London is pricey but the costs of school, food etc are high in Australia.

I think that you've had some shocking advice on this thread. I understand that EOW isn't great (this is the case with my kids too) but it's better than nothing. The posters who suggest that contact would naturally lessen as they got older are being very unfair to suggest throwing away the relationship completely.

Would you see your boys once or twice a year if your ex got a job in an exciting country abroad? Your post comes across as very selfish - why wouldn't you wait a decade until your younger child is off to uni or working? I can't believe that you told your older child about this opportunity. You have set up their Dad as the guy who's robbed them of a fictional amazing life abroad.

If he said yes would you happily give up spending Xmases and weeks of the summer holidays to make contact happen? Can you afford flights and accommodation (for you) in the UK the hole the boys spent day 2-3 weeks at a time with their Dad? You might have to fly them home if birthdays fall in school holidays too.

Original poster
SarahLuna · 30/04/2019 10:39

‘New’ partner to keep it simple on a post... and Aussie as I can’t be arsed to type Australia every time and phone autocorrected Aus... arghhhh you guys do make things hard!!! And no, I wouldn’t dream of taking them without his consent and correct legal paths and no I will not go without them and leave them behind... lol
Again thank you to everyone for your helpful comments.. it has given me lots to think about and that was what I was looking for... and to the negatives... wow! I won’t post on here again! there is enough hate in the world without having to bash someone who was purely reaching out to women who may have had a similar experience to mine...

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/04/2019 10:44

Are you American?

yakari · 30/04/2019 10:46

So from the kid perspective, we grew up in the UK my Dad was in the US. His choice. We saw him every summer for 3 weeks, and ad hoc in between if he happened to have a business trip in the UK.
I was fine, we're similar enough in personality that we picked up quite quickly each summer. My sister - not so much. They had and still have a very poor relationship. The problem got worse as we grew older and as teenagers had our own selfish priorities so didn't want to hang around for agreed phone calls, or cut back vacations. Ultimately he's now in his 80s and of course I love him - he's still my dad - but honestly we're not close and his second wife deals with any illnesses (which he's had a number of in last couple of years), I call, visit maybe every 2-3 years. My sister even less. And my kids minimal relationship with him as a granddad.
No one is particularly sad about this (although I suspect he is more than he mentions) it's how it's crept up over time. It's a remote but 'fine' relationship.
You can't predict the future, the kids and he may have a great/average/bad relationship even if they lived down the road. They may decide to move back 'home' when they are older. He may bail out and fine the relationship drifts. Who knows.
But do acknowledge that you are putting a big barrier in their way - and you should budget and plan to facilitate their relationship even to the inconvenience of yourselves ie AUS big holidays are over Christmas, is that when they'd go Home to see him?
It's a big move, from my experience don't do it lightly

Snog · 30/04/2019 14:24

If their dad plays an active part in their lives and cares about them then I think it would be shocking to move to Australia. No amount of sunshine can replace a father.

TeaForDad · 30/04/2019 14:37

I'd probably go for it

Notjudesmum · 30/04/2019 14:44

I couldn’t do it. My mum moved me to another country when I was 12 and I saw my dad once a year. Although we weren’t particularly close, he was still my dad. 25+ years later I still have anger issues with my mum stemming from this. She did what was best for her and her partner and I was dragged along...leaving my dad, brother and sisters, friends, school I loved and the village I’d grown up in.

JapaneseNotWeed · 30/04/2019 16:53

No hate fgs. Sometimes posters are so wrapped up in themselves it takes a strong message to penetrate that thick shell.

Aquifolium · 30/04/2019 18:25

No hate fgs. Sometimes posters are so wrapped up in themselves it takes a strong message to penetrate that thick shell.
I agree.

You have had a negative reaction on here because what you are proposing is selfish and wrong.

Don’t let this put you off posting when you have a more reasonable issue you want to discuss.

floraloctopus · 30/04/2019 18:30

I would like to move from where we live, however it would be a longer distance for my DCs to go and see their father so I won't move. YABU to consider going to the other side of the world.

Doyoumind · 30/04/2019 18:46

There is no doubt this would have a catastrophic impact on their relationship with their dad. You need to decide whether that is really in their best interests (I doubt it) and what the repercussions would be down the line. They might also decide to move back for uni or just to settle in the UK when they are older. How would you feel being on the other side of the world from them and your grandchildren?

1Wanda1 · 30/04/2019 19:00

In saying that discussing with your 13 year old your desire to emigrate to Aus felt like the right conversation to have, you are being hugely self-indulgent and unfair on your child. At 13, your DC will know perfectly well what you want to hear, and is likely to give you that response, regardless of their true feelings. Why didn't you ask your ex first what HE thought, and THEN if appropriate discuss with the DC?

I have slightly older DC and have an appalling relationship with their father. I wouldn't dream of asking them if they fancied moving abroad without asking their dad first - and we really do not get on. My DC also say they don't get on well with him, but he is their dad, they see him EOW (like your DC), and it's not my place to decide for them that they suddenly can't do that any more. Asking a child a heavily loaded question such as would they like to move to Aus, knowing that you really want to, is very very unfair and puts them in an awful position.

Branleuse · 30/04/2019 19:04

He could stop you doing this, and since he sees them regularly, he would likely do this. The only way round this would be if you could prove that 1, you had a very good reason for moving there, ie, you are from there and could get family support there that is missing here, or for a much better job etc. Im not even sure even in those cases you would.
Unfortunately if you have kids with someone, then they do get a say where you take those kids

adaline · 30/04/2019 19:22

=and no I will not go without them and leave them behind... lol

But it's perfectly okay for you to take them away from their father?

Hypocrite.