Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Emigrating to Aussie with 2 children & my new partner - leaving their dad behind!

135 replies

SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 14:52

Hi All, We live in the UK & have the opportunity to emigrate to Aussie - this however would mean taking my two sons who are 13 & 9 away from their father whom I divorced 8 years ago! My heart and head are in turmoil and I thought I would reach out to see if anyone had had a similar experience? My boys see their father every 2 wks for 2 nights, he is not in their lives any other times and doesn't take a very active role in parenting. We do not see eye to eye - so I know that telling him of our plans to move away will not go well. My thoughts are that I want so badly to give my children the best opportunity in life and a better quality of life than they have in the UK - BUT can I do this to their father? Can I take them away from him? and his extended family? All to fulfill my & my new partner's dream of living in Aus :(

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 17:50

Thank you all for your input. Tbh everything, every post, I relate to and have thought myself. I gave a small insight into our situation for obvious reasons, it goes so much deeper, but is not for sharing on a public platform. I think I was hoping to reach out on here to people who have gone through this directly themselves or through a friend etc (and thank you to those who have commented) it’s v easy to make assumptions from the little information I gave. Whatever we decide will not be done without going through the correct channels and not having discussions with everyone involved. As I say I was hoping to reach out to people who have been here and to find out a little about the effects it had on both parties esp the children. Their happiness of course comes before mine, I’m a mother, and a good one, thank you

OP posts:
KateyKube · 29/04/2019 17:57

Morally I’d have no qualms. Legally you will need his permission, which he is unlikely to grant.

Veterinari · 29/04/2019 18:08

How long have you been with partner?
Would you be financially dependent on him if you move?
What will you do if your relationship breaks down or your children hate living in Aus?
Fundamentally yes you’d be unreasonable. Your elder DS is preparing for GCSEs - what about the educational impact ?
How will you facilitate contact?
What will you do if it all goes tits up?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
fecketyfeck21 · 29/04/2019 18:16

sorry, but you aren't really answering any questions no matter how simple, like the length or relationship or is it work related. you say you are a good mother and you may well be but why are you seemingly putting your wishes before your ds ?

fecketyfeck21 · 29/04/2019 18:17
  • length of relationship
TheCraicDealer · 29/04/2019 18:20

there's no way you should have told your eldest child before getting Dad's consent. You're setting Dad up to be the bad guy. A court might view that as parental alienation.

Yeah and keeping it from the younger DS whilst you're at it? I mean if you told both boys so they could discuss it between themselves and sound the other out, talk through worries, provide mutual support etc I could kind of get it, but seems like a lot to put on a 13 year old without an awful lot of certainty. He might feel like he's keeping a secret from both his dad and brother. Unfair to put that on him before speaking to their father.

spannerintheneck · 29/04/2019 18:46

How would you feel if he told you he was emigrating and taking the children with him? It's literally no different, that would be a disgraceful thing to do

SilverySurfer · 29/04/2019 18:48

You should also consider, if you did go and have another child with your DP in Australia, if it didn't work out for whatever reason and you wanted to return to the UK, your DP could refuse you permission to take the baby. Then you are basically fucked and stuck somewhere you don't want to be until the child comes of age. In the meantime your first two DC would be of an age where they may want to return to the UK and you will end up never see them.

You seem to be unaware of how many people have similar dreams which don't become reality and they return back to the UK with nothing.

To be honest I think it would be selfish of you to follow your dream at the expense of your DC's relationship with their father.

JapaneseNotWeed · 29/04/2019 18:53

OP Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me .......

luckygreeneyes · 29/04/2019 18:55

I’m separated from my DDs dad, I’ve had multiple opportunities to work in some amazing places. I even think that I could probably persuade him to give me permission. However I wouldn’t do it to DD, she loves her dad, she’d miss him and may resent me for ruining their relationship when older. Even though my DH and I may be really keen to go.

At a minute thing you’d need to facilitate and pay for a long holiday in school holidays for them at least 1-2 times a year.

It’d be a pretty awful thing to do though

Madamedeluxe · 29/04/2019 18:59

What if your eldest now tells his father and/or his brother?

I don’t think you should consider it.

Every other weekend in an established arrangement is quite a lot of contact (compared to one hour a week which my ex does.)

juneau · 29/04/2019 19:01

Just out of interest, why do you think that Australia offers a better quality of life than the UK? Have you ever visited Australia? Is it a country that you're very familiar with? Because I would question making that assumption unless you have very concrete reasons for thinking it. Quality of life is a lot more than just sunshine and beaches ....

Everydaypeople · 29/04/2019 19:05

Wow, so you are planning to uproot your children’s lives .
Is this your dream or your “ new partners” dream.
How would you feel if they want to stay with him, will you still go on yourselves?
I wouldn’t ever consider this or allow it if my ex proposed it.

fecketyfeck21 · 29/04/2019 19:06

it really is a crash waiting to happen isn't it ? i can't comment on life in australia but why is it better than the uk [apart from the weather]
are there any aussies on mn who could throw some light on life in aus ?

llangennith · 29/04/2019 19:08

Lots of families emigrate to Australia and their DC survive the trauma. Most even love living in Australia.
It's a wonderful opportunity OP and I'm sure your DC will be as excited as you are if you get accepted. Good luck!

juneau · 29/04/2019 19:12

Yeah, lots of families move to Australia, but most of them don't leave one of the parents 12,000 miles away!

IncrediblySadToo · 29/04/2019 19:15

One weekend a fortnight and no contact in between? No other interest in them, their school stuff, their hobbies...? If you tell him he no longer has to pay anything he might not actually be bothered, he’s no father of the year is he!?!

Your eldest is excited about going and unsurprisingly not bothered about leaving his father.

Your youngest will be upset. Is that because of his Dad or his friends?

I couldn’t do it to an involved father, but one who sees them this infrequently and has no contact in between, I could, if I thought my kids would benefit from it.

There’s nothing wrong with sharing something with a teen that you’re not yet sharing with a 9 yo.

martinidry · 29/04/2019 19:24

@JapaneseNotWeed That's not very nice. It's not helpful either.

JapaneseNotWeed · 29/04/2019 19:27

But its damn true.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 29/04/2019 19:30

I wouldn’t even consider it. I would be utterly heartbroken to have my children moved to the other side of the world. It was bad enough when DSS moved 25 miles away and he’s not even my son.

IMO if your partner has a dream to live in Aus, he either gives it up as a compromise of being with a woman who already has kids, or he splits with you and pursues his dream.

Original poster
SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 19:54

Thanks for all the supportive messages and Jesz for a ‘mums’ group there is a lot of unkind opinionated people on here...
and as for ‘why Australia?’ Well why not? Life is short, time and people are precious, we owe it to our children and ourselves to be brave and go out into the world

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 29/04/2019 19:55

I wouldn't even consider this. Not fair on the dc or their dad to create such a distance between them.

JapaneseNotWeed · 29/04/2019 19:58

You warrior OP you damn good sanctimonius champion of life you...

Biscuit
Original poster
SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 19:58

Thank you... yes this is how it is... yet still the guilt creeps in. My eldest if v mature and has endured a v tough relationship with his father. We had a chat with him about the possibility of moving to Aus. It felt like the right conversation to have.

OP posts:
Everydaypeople · 29/04/2019 20:00

Have you ever been to Australia?
What if the dc want to stay with their dad, are you happy to leave them and go with your partner?