Emigrating to Aussie with 2 children & my new partner - leaving their dad behind!

[SarahLuna]

Hi All, We live in the UK & have the opportunity to emigrate to Aussie - this however would mean taking my two sons who are 13 & 9 away from their father whom I divorced 8 years ago! My heart and head are in turmoil and I thought I would reach out to see if anyone had had a similar experience? My boys see their father every 2 wks for 2 nights, he is not in their lives any other times and doesn't take a very active role in parenting. We do not see eye to eye - so I know that telling him of our plans to move away will not go well. My thoughts are that I want so badly to give my children the best opportunity in life and a better quality of life than they have in the UK - BUT can I do this to their father? Can I take them away from him? and his extended family? All to fulfill my & my new partner's dream of living in Aus :(

I think you were very wrong to discuss this with your 13 year old. When I was a similar age my DM told me about something which would change our family dynamic. She didn't tell my siblings and my DF didn't know I'd been told. The stress of not being able to discuss something so important with others in my family was horrendous and long-lasting.

One word leaps out from your op. NEW partner. This is rash and no, you have kids and can't swan off and deny them the chance to see their father and other relatives. They will resent you for it.

Wait 5 years till the partner is not new and the kids are more or less grown up. It's really not that long.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity

I thought she said that she’s been with him over four and a half years and used the word new to distinguish between him and her ex.

if you get their father’s permission and are happy with the prospect of having to pay for him to visit them and ur kids are happy with that idea then go for it.

I am one of 6 dc born over 20 years , my Mother married three times. She took the eldest 3 to South Africa when small. They lived there for almost 7 years. She was the most selfish woman I have ever met and two of her dc didn’t even attend her funeral. My older sisters mourn the loss of their Father missing out on their childhood to this day and they are women in their sixties.

One of my school friends emigrated with his parents and four siblings - he was 14, his brother 15 and the others were 9, 10 and 11.

Even though there was no NRP involved in the decision, the 15 year old wasn't keen on the idea but was overruled, obviously.

He went to school, got a part time job and one month after his 18th birthday, got on a flight and came back to the UK, sleeping on various schoolfriends' floors until he got a job and a room of his own.

One of the younger siblings came back when she was 18 as well and recently, my schoolfriend came here with his wife and two children, with no intention of ever returning. So, despite there being no extra complications, the intent of a 'better life' hasn't really worked well, as the parents are over there with two out of their five children (and I've no idea of their ongoing relationship, it might be brilliant, it might not).

Not everybody likes Austalia - or moving.

Another friend disappeared over the summer holiday aged 15 because he went home on the last day of term and was informed they were emigrating at the weekend. The only thing that keeps him in New Zealand is that he now has two daughters with his ex (they apparently split up because she didn't want to come to the UK) who he feels he can't leave.

I'm not saying don't go, but I am saying you should consider what the consequences would be if either of the DC decide this isn't what they want - do you let one stay here, or risk finding out at 18 that they've gone and aren't coming back, or have them permanently feeling that they aren't 'home' but are trapped?

@SarahLuna - I'm doing something not too dissimilar, except in my case its been prompted by my soon to be exDH being an idiot here in the UK and making things difficult for me. However for us we were both originally from Aus, both DSs have citizenship, and he has given me permission and is actively encouraging me to return because he knows its best for us. In about 5 years he might head over there himself, but that's not definite.

My DSs are similar in age to yours, and I think this is the perfect age to go to Australia and make it a permanent home. Any older and they might not settle well enough to want to stay there. Both DSs are keen, and we have both sides of the family over there. So that will help with settling.

Things that I have considered - for ex DH to visit them in Australia I am hoping to be eventually able to have a granny flat type of set up so that he could stay there when he visited, so that he could make the most of his time with his DSs. I am also planning return trips to the UK with the DSs. If we can't stay with him, we have friends we could stay with to be in his area. Accommodation costs can take an expensive but manageable trip and make it completely unaffordable. However I am not moving to be with someone, so I don't have to give consideration to a new partner's feelings. Would your relationship with your ex be good enough for you to do similar? Would your partner be able to tolerate that as an idea?

I'm also setting up Skype and Viber phone calls so that he can have free phone calls with the DSs whenever he wants. Both DSs will have their own mobile phones for that very reason.

I think if you're going to do this you need to be very active in making sure that the relationship between your ex and your DSs is maintained. Who knows, your ex might even decide to move over there as well!

Let them grow up and establish an adult life here and then you and your dp can leave and start your life in Australia on your own. Then it is on your and your do to continue your relationship with your grown dc, pay for airfares, find time for extended holidays to visit etc.

Are you willing to do that?

That is what you are wanting to do to your ex, take his kids and bring them up in Australia where they may likely stay and establish their adult lives. How on earth can you see that as acceptable? Airfares are so expensive it is a major barrier to their relationship. One negative that divorced/ separated families deal with is that you are geographically tied to the same country as your ex! It is unethical to coerce your teens into moving abroad on an adventure when they do not have a full understanding of the ramifications of this choice. Let them grow up in peace in their own home country and have your own adventure with your dp in Australia next decade!

It’s not just the airfares/distance, but also the time zone difference which would make maintaining a meaningful relationship with their father much more difficult as even phone/FaceTime would not be as easy. All the legalities aside (and it sounds like it’s a lame duck from the off if it ‘would not go down well’ with the children’s father) I would be extremely wary of doing anything which would get in the way of the children’s relationship with their father. They will not thank you for it in the future.

A few questions/points to consider:

How would children be affected by the long distance relationship with their father?

How long is your relationship? If it's under two years, I personally wouldn't drag my kids half way round the world from their established social life to begin a new one with a new partner.

What would happen if you split with your partner whilst in Australia? Is your residency dependent upon his job or vice versa?