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Original poster

Emigrating to Aussie with 2 children & my new partner - leaving their dad behind!

135 replies

SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 14:52

Hi All, We live in the UK & have the opportunity to emigrate to Aussie - this however would mean taking my two sons who are 13 & 9 away from their father whom I divorced 8 years ago! My heart and head are in turmoil and I thought I would reach out to see if anyone had had a similar experience? My boys see their father every 2 wks for 2 nights, he is not in their lives any other times and doesn't take a very active role in parenting. We do not see eye to eye - so I know that telling him of our plans to move away will not go well. My thoughts are that I want so badly to give my children the best opportunity in life and a better quality of life than they have in the UK - BUT can I do this to their father? Can I take them away from him? and his extended family? All to fulfill my & my new partner's dream of living in Aus :(

OP posts:
Secondstartothergt · 29/04/2019 20:02

As other posters have said you have his permission, you won’t be able to move the children to Australia. Google The Hague convention and child abduction.

fecketyfeck21 · 29/04/2019 20:25

let's be honest you come across as selfish enough to do this anyway, why did you bother asking on here if you are bu ?

Wheresthebeach · 29/04/2019 20:44

A beach doesn't trump their father.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
FreyaB84 · 29/04/2019 20:51

I think you need to speak to your ex first to see if he'll even allow you to take them out of the country. There's no point at all planning a move only to find that he won't let the boys go. Even if he says yes, there's still lots to consider.

You say this is a new partner. How new are we talking here? Don't move to the other side of the world unless you're as secure as you can be in the relationship.

Are you going to be financially dependent on your partner if you move? Would you have the funds to return to the UK with the kids if you got out there are hated it?

Similarly, would you be in a position to financially facilitate your sons' relationship with their Dad? Pay for you ex to come to Australia and for your sons to fly back to the UK? Will you be happy to be away from them for weeks at a time whilst they visit their Dad?

TemporaryPermanent · 29/04/2019 20:53

'Why not' - because they'd be leaving their father behind?? Seems like a pretty obvious reason to me.

If he's not that brilliant a dad at regular contact, and it's been a struggle to build the current situation, then all the more reason to stay.

fecketyfeck21 · 29/04/2019 20:55

freya several of us have asked these questions but op is being evasive and knows that answering means she will get bashed even more as a result. 'new relationship ' probably translates as a couple of months

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 29/04/2019 20:59

Ridiculous and selfish

NorthernSpirit · 29/04/2019 20:59

IMO this is a completely selfish move.

How about the kids live with dad and they move to the other side of the world so you can’t see them? Bet you wouldn’t like it.

I hope he takes you to court and stops this.

sonjadog · 29/04/2019 21:07

Almost exactly the same thing happened to a good friend of mine when he was about your youngest son´s age. It has had serious repercussions for his life. He has always felt torn between two places and cultures, never really belonged anywhere, and he feels the loss of a close relationship with his father deeply. I can see why his mother made the decision and why she would have thought he would adapt just fine, but really, knowing him now as an adult, I think it would have been much better to have stayed there until he had grown up, and then for her to have moved back.

TheNavigator · 29/04/2019 21:11

OP - how long have you been with your partner? Are you moving for his job? If you split up, could you support yourself and your children in Australia or would you need to come home? I would be worried you you and your children could be vulnerable and isolated a long way from any family or support network.

JapaneseNotWeed · 29/04/2019 21:25

I would be worried you you and your children could be vulnerable and isolated a long way from any family or support network.

The kids won't be isolated. Come adulthood they will make their own decisions in life of where they want to be. That may or may not include the OP

I would be googling the cost of nursing home care in Australia.

Cornish83 · 29/04/2019 21:29

Maybe you should go with your partner if that’s what you want to do and leave the children’s here with their dad and when the children are grown up they can decide if they want to come and join you or remain here. Sounds like the fairest option.

lots33 · 29/04/2019 21:47

My mother moved us 120 miles from our dad in the 1970’s; forcing him to be a holiday dad as opposed to the daily contact dad he was before ( before m25 and neither parent drove so travelling between the two took a long time and was expensive).

I have never forgiven her.

tanpestryfirescreen · 29/04/2019 22:48

13 year old could refuse to go and their views would usually totally be taken into account by a court.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 29/04/2019 23:14

This is why I hate those Wanted Down Under shows. Seeing those families split up, I always think it really selfish especially with children leaving a parent.

Beansandcoffee · 29/04/2019 23:21

Why don’t you let the boys stay in the U.K. with their father and you and your partner emigrate. Then see how it feels when you see your kids once a year.

Beansandcoffee · 29/04/2019 23:29

Every other weekend is a very common access set up by divorced parents. My kids see their father every other Friday and Saturday. They also spend extra time during the school holidays. My kids are very close to their dad and chat and talk every day. Cruel to say that ops ex wouldn’t receive a father of the year award when many families have this set up

tiddlyipom · 30/04/2019 00:11

I live in Australia, have you ever been here?
It is basically same shit, different bucket.But a lot more expensive than the UK.Energy, food, travel, entertainment, school fees - yes, even for state schools - housing, rates, not to mention flight costs to the UK.

You would be hugely selfish to take hour children away from their father and I think it was a dick move to tell your oldest son about your plans.

MaitlandGirl · 30/04/2019 00:51

I moved to Australia when my children were 9, 11 and 14 and it was tough. They hadn’t seen their dad in 4 years (100% his choice) and it’s been so hard on them.

DW is Australian and we moved for her mental health and to give the children better opportunities. On the whole it’s been the right decision but they still can’t grasp the lack of interest/involvement from their dad. He hasn’t had anything to do with them since Dec 19th 2005 (with the exception of a couple of DMs on Twitter) and they don’t understand why. It would be easier for them if they could knock on his door and ask, or put themselves into his environment to force a conversation but we’re too far away.

I honestly can’t imagine moving children who have regular contact with their parent.

I also can’t imagine floating this as an idea to a 13yr old and expecting him to keep it to himself or to be able to understand when it doesn’t work out. Adult decisions shouldn’t involve children.

tittysprinkles · 30/04/2019 06:03

Don't do it. You are depriving your children of a relationship with their father, every other weekend is a lot of contact and phone calls/Skype from Australia are just not the same.

As others have said, your kids might decide to move back to the UK, or even you might not like Australia and want to come home whilst they might want to stay.

It's such a long and expensive trip that you won't realistically be making it back to the UK very often and your children will start to lose contact with their father. They may even begin to resent you over time.

Out of interest why do you want to go to Australia? As others have said, once you get over the novelty of the nice weather and the beaches, it's not vastly dissimilar to the UK?

CrumpetyTea · 30/04/2019 06:16

why is it your dream? I'm in Oz and it isn't a dream just reality. DS (9) is already over the novelty that is having a beach on your doorsteps, He's not over missing family or friends - let alone a father. people are precious not places

Original poster
SarahLuna · 30/04/2019 06:16

‘New’ partner and I have been together 4.5 years. I have cousins, Aunty uncle and family friends in Aus and have spent a lot of time there over the years. We have job offers in Sydney. It has been a life long dream of mine, before I fell pregnant with my first I was applying for my visa to emigrate. My ex actually travelled with me there for a job interview and for me to start house hunting! I got pregnant on the trip so ended up putting it on hold... so yes I know Aus well.

OP posts:
RainbowWaffles · 30/04/2019 06:19

I am amazed how many people consider this to be acceptable. And pp who have said ‘well he will see them less as they get older anyway’ and the assertion that EOW isn’t a lot so hardly a commitment worth honouring. Can you imagine if a father couldn’t be arsed seeing his 9 year old and 13 year old on that basis? No, you shouldn’t take your children to the other side of the world and essentially deprive them of a relationship with their father. That isn’t a ‘better life’ and it’s utterly selfish.

Mummaofmytribe · 30/04/2019 06:21

I've done it. 13 yrs ago. OH had been made redundant, we were struggling. He was supporting my DC from previous marriage as well as our own two, as exH gave up work so he didn't have to pay child support.
ExH saw kids one weekend in three at the time. Kids were 10, 14, 15. Middle child usually refused to go as he was scared of exH and I later found out the eldest was being walloped/thrown about, nasty physical intimidation.
OH is a dual UK/Aus citizen but lived in UK since infancy. Was finding it a nightmare to get a decent job in his field in London (it was a bad time in his industry) but he was with every employment agency going to increase his chances.
All the good opportunities offered were in Sydney/Melbourne.
We thought VERY hard for months. I told exH we needed to go to secure our family future inc his kids who he was not supporting. He was vile even though I made every arrangement for visits home.
He made no effort to stop me apart from threats and insults.
As soon as we'd gone he stopped phone calls and Skype. I realised I'd given him the dream scenario really. He was able to totally abdicate fatherhood but say it was my fault.
We're not wealthy (I wish!) But we're debt free apart from our mortgage. The kids have had so much more freedom than I would EVER have allowed in London. My OH has been constantly in work. We are in a position where we're still able to help out our AC with finances as they find their feet with now a few tiny GC too.
We could never have had this level of financial security in the UK and bringing up a family here is so much better than at home (IMO)
So just my twopennorth from a mother who did it

adaline · 30/04/2019 07:11

It's all a pipe dream until you get permission from their father anyway.

If you take them without his permission you can be arrested for child abduction - the consequences of which will most likely be your children living in the UK with their father until they're adults, and you going to prison!

You're getting far too wrapped up in an idea that may not even be allowed to happen. Why not get his permission first before you think about it any further? You're just wasting your time and energy over it at the moment.